1) What is the Deepwater Horizon?
A trippy album by Jimi Hendrix that was never released to the public, but, now that he has been dead long enough, soon will be.
No. And, it's too bad, because it would probably make a more interesting Frequently Unasked Questions file than the one you are about to read.
3) Well...can't we just...you know...go with that one, instead?
Unfortunately, that would be like reporting from another dimension, which would get us in trouble with the Alternate Reality News Service. We've met their leader. We would rather gnaw off our own testicles than deal with her. (She would hand them to us in any case, so, in those circumstances, we would be resigned to giving them up.) Can you just forget that we brought it up? Please?
4) Oh. Okay. So, what is the Deepwater Horizon?
It is an offshore drilling well run by BP that - tee hee - exploded and started spewing oil into the Gulf of Mexico.
Umm, not much, really, Only 1,000 gallons a...day. Make that: hour. Okay, minute. Possibly a little more.
6) Holy crap! That's terrible!
Not really. It's like...throwing tarry goop at a Picasso in a museum. You know the original is underneath all that black stuff...somewhere...so, that's okay. And, anyway, it's an opportunity to redefine how you conceptualize art. Or, the environment.
7) Is ecological devastation the price the United States has to pay for energy independence?
Yes. By which, of course, I mean, no. Oil drilled off the American coastline immediately goes into the world market where it is sold at the greatest profit. It doesn't necessarily stay in the US. Ecological devastation is more the price the United States has to pay for energy company profits.
8) How is British Petroleum dealing with the spill?
BP immediately leapt into action: mere moments after the spill, it had sent a lawyer's letter to people living in Louisiana, Florida and other potentially affected areas asking them to sign an agreement that they would not sue the company.
9) How would that help stop the oil from gushing into the Gulf of Mexico?
Stop the oil from gushing into the Gulf of Mexico? How would stopping the oil from gushing into the Gulf of Mexico help BP's shareholders? Some people's priorities...!
10) That's kind of...slimy, isn't it?
At the same time, BP stated that it would pay all legitimate claims of damages. So, let's call it ev -
11) "Legitimate" claims? Do I want to know...?
Well, if you can prove that spilled oil led your child into a life of drugs and prostitution, you may have a case for restitution. If it merely led to the collapse of the fisheries or tourism that was your livelihood...oh, well. Spill happens.
12) So, how is British Petroleum dealing with the spill?
It has changed its logo:
Maybe. In some other universe which we cannot really get into because...you know...
14) Okay, so, really, how is British Petroleum dealing with the spill?
For a while, the company sprayed chemicals on the spill in order to disperse the oil.
15) For a while? Why just for a while? BP decided to stop the spraying because nobody was really sure the chemicals were actually, you know, helping the situation or, umm, making it worse. Chemicals can be funny that way.
16) Hilarious. What else has the company done to deal with the spill?
They made a four story containment box weighing several tons to place over the well. If all had gone according to plan, it would have siphoned off 85 per cent of the leak.
17) "If all had gone according to plan?" * GROAN * What happened?
It was sort of like putting on a condom in the middle of an orgasm: incredibly awkward, messy and ultimately futile. Icelike hydrates common at the ocean depths at which the well was leaking (5,000 feet below sea level) clogged the box's opening, making siphoning impossible. In sexual deep sea hydrology, this is known as corruptus interruptus.
18) Is British Petroleum doing anything else about the spill?
Absolutely! BP is passing the blame for it.
Because you're so cynical?
20) And, how is it doing this?
BP America President Lamar McKay claimed in a Senate hearing that his company was just leasing the rig from a company called Transocean, so, if anybody is to blame for the spill, they are, because, you know, "just leasing" gives you no legal responsibility whatsoever for what happens. Ask any cottager.
21) So, Transocean is to blame for the disaster?
Not necessarily. At the same Senate hearing, Transocean President Steven Newman said blame for the...unpleasantness should go to Halliburton, which laid concrete for the rig mere hours before it...let's not say blew up. Let's say, had an asymmetrical, anomalous complex unprecedented event.
22) So, Halliburton is to blame for the disaster?
You don't want to know what an asymmetrical, anomalous complex unprecedented event is?
23) I value my sanity too highly. So, Halliburton is to blame for the disaster?
It's a question of interpretation, really. Halliburton Global Business President Tim Probert claimed at the Senate hearing that it was only doing what the other two companies had contracted it to do.
24) God, it's like those three monkeys!
Not really. They're all quite happy to speak evil - of each other. Three stooges may be a more apt comparison. Besides, we know who was really responsible for the...unfortunate series of events.
No. "What'll be interesting to me, and I'm not trying to introduce a conspiracy theory: was this deliberate? You know, you have to wonder, yeah, if there was sabotage." (President Bush's former Press Secretary Dana Perino)
"[T]he carbon tax bill...was strongly criticized by hardcore environmentalist wackos because it supposedly allowed more offshore drilling and nuclear plants.... So, since they're sending SWAT teams down there, folks, since they're sending SWAT teams to inspect the other rigs, what better way to head off more oil drilling, nuclear plants, than by blowing up a rig? I'm just noting the timing here." (Rush Limbaugh)
27) * GROAN * Will anybody * GROAN * ever be held accountable for this disaster? * GROAN *
Absolutely! Thanks to a cap on liability, BP may pay as much as $750 million to help clean up the mess it has (arguably, if not legally) created. Of course, cleaning up the spill may cost $10 billion or more. Still, while approximately nine per cent responsibility may not be sufficient penance in the eyes of any church, it works for the federal government. And, please, let's not call it a disaster. Let's call it a...noun to be named later...
