I recently turned 50. The big half century. Two score ten. A whole new age bracket. My pre-golden years - my kind of muddy yellowish browny years. Older than I ever thought I would be, especially when I was 25 There are advantages to being 50 (I have, for instance, definitively ended my obsession with Rush), but there are disadvantages, as well (and, if my memory wasn't going, I'm sure I would be able to list them for you). On balance my 50th birthday seems to have come at an awkward time, but, believe me, there was little I could do to prevent it.
As I look over the agglomeration of memories that comprise my life since I turned 25, I wonder if I have learned anything that might help me enjoy my...twilight years. (Not to be confused with one's Twilight years, which I am 35 years too late and one wrong gender to "enjoy." I hope.) Indeed, I have.
I have learned that facts are malleable, but the absence of facts is malleabler.
I have learned that, in the absence of facts, I can make up words like "malleabler" and nobody has a basis to call me on it.
I have learned that calling myself iRa and claiming to be an iPhone app will not get me publicity. Well, not the kind I want, anyway.
I have learned that no sacrifice is too great for Canadians to bear in order to buy American fighter planes. We should be proud...for reasons Prime Minister Harper will undoubtedly fill us in on at some future date...
I have learned that sex is overrated, but celibacy absolutely sucks!
I have learned that it's not the amount of hair you have on your head, it's the attitude you maintain that helps you pull it off. At least, I hope I have learned that.
I have learned that solar panel is not a verb.
I have learned that something is wrong when you come across the clue "oil target" in a crossword puzzle, and your first response is "Gulf of Mexico," not "squeak." Something is terribly, terribly wrong.
I have learned that when somebody says, "Your writing is for the Ages!" they are usually referring to the Middle Ages. And, I don't look good in stocks!
I have learned that when the love of your life uses the rent money to buy drugs, Everything I Need To Know About Life I Learned From Star Trek is a sad case of false advertising.
I have learned that if you have Money, anything can be forgiven, invariably starting with how you made the money in the first place. See? At least Conrad Black's travails have been instructive for somebody!
I have learned that I do not need consensual reality; my personal reality suits me just fine.
I have learned not to trust my mail queue. When I announce on Facebook that I have just turned 50, and the latest message in my inbox reads: "My thoughts are with you and your family," the two are not connected. Probably.
I heave learned that just because I look more and more like Wilfred Brimley every day doesn't mean I have to be irregular.
I have learned that in the age of the Internet, the past is always with you. And, your family. And, anybody who has ever known you. Somebody better invent a time machine, stat!
I have learned that lying may get you grounded when you're 12, but it will get you an anchor spot on Fox News when you're 37.
I have learned that my fate is not to be famous - my name can't be used to make a good adjective. Naymanist? Naymanian? Naymanic? Naymanesque? It's tough, but I have learned that surname is destiny.
I have learned that there is no point pointing out to people that their bodies would be better off if they walked to the store to buy groceries every couple of days rather than buy a gym membership that they might only use once a month. People get exercised about such observations, and not in a way that will help them lose weight.
I have learned that it's just life - billions of people do it all the time.
Hmm...that was depressing. Ah, well; I can only hope that I will soon find a way to recapture the carefree frivolity of 25 years ago.