The Tea Party Players Present: Hamlet

Dramatis Personae

Ghost of Hamlet's Father           Rand Paul
Hamlet           Marco Rubio
Gertrude           (Sharron Angle *) Renee Ellmers
Ophelia           (Christine O'Donnell *) Nikki Haley
Horatio           Ron Johnson

Produced by the Koch brothers

Directed by Dick Armey

* scratched from the cast due to unforeseen circumstances
_________________________________________

Act III

Scene I

[Elsinore. A room in the Castle.]

HAMLET: To be, or not to be, that is the -

Enter Horatio.

HORATIO: Well, my lord.

HAMLET: Question.
          Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer.

HORATIO: If he steal aught the whilst this play is playing.

HAMLET: The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.

HORATIO: And 'scape detecting, I will -

Enter Director from audience.

DIRECTOR: Horatio, what'n hell are you doing?

HORATIO: Acting, good sir.

DIRECTOR: You're not supposed to appear until later in the scene!

HORATIO: 'Tis but a minor improvisation, good sir,
          Tend'd to make the play more salubrious to the audience.

DIRECTOR: Yeah, sure. We're all thinking about the audience. It's all about the audience. Only -

Enter Ophelia.

OPHELIA: [sings] He is dead and gone, lady,
          He is dead and gone;
          At his head a grass-green turf.

DIRECTOR: What?

OPHELIA: At his heels a stone.
          O, ho!

DIRECTOR: Thunderation, Ophelia, what're you doing here?

OPHELIA: Why, I was but following Horatio's lead, good sir.

DIRECTOR: Can we cut the good sir, crap? Look, to be able to work, theatre has rules. You can't just do what you want.

HORATIO: With all due respect,
          When you hir'd us on, we forswor the rules.
          We agreed to join thine troupe of actors
          'Pon the condition that we wouldst not conduct
          Theatre as usual.

DIRECTOR: Sure. Sure. So, add some different line readings, update the setting, dazzle the audience with elaborate set design. These are things we can do. At the end of the day, though, Hamlet has to be Hamlet. The play has to make sense, see? You have to follow the -

Enter Ghost.

GHOST: Ay, that incestuous, that adulterate beast,
          With witchcraft of his wit, with traitorous gifts -

DIRECTOR: What the hell are you doing?

GHOST: Joining the brethren of the troupe
          In glorious freedom.

DIRECTOR: But, it don't make no sense.

GHOST: 'Tis a flashback.

DIRECTOR: A flashback? A FLASHBACK? We already seen you in the first act of the play. Remember? With all the lightning and thunder and shit? Believe me, the audience remembers - they don't need a damn flashback!

Enter Gertrude.

GERTRUDE: Did you assay him
          To any pastime?

DIRECTOR: No, NO, NO! You're destroying Hamlet's big speech. Get off the stage!

GERTRUDE: I shall obey you;

DIRECTOR: You will?

GERTRUDE: And for your part, Ophelia, I do wish
          That your good beauties be the happy cause.

DIRECTOR: Okay, STOP!

Pause.

DIRECTOR: Everybody who is not meant to be in this scene must leave the stage immediately!

OPHELIA: But, we are all meant to be in this scene.

Director brandishes playscript.

DIRECTOR: Not according to the playscript.

HAMLET: The playscript be bugger'd.
          As Horatio did'st say true:
          We did not come to Elsinore
          To practice the "theatre as usual."

DIRECTOR: But…this is madness.

GHOST: Mayhap, but there yet be method in't.

DIRECTOR: Method? I see no method here.

HORATIO: We merely hear the will
          Of the common theatre patron for novelty,
          And we obey.

DIRECTOR: But, but, but, you have to follow my direction. I made you. This here acting company would be nothing without me!

HAMLET: And we thankee for thine efforts,
          And ask that you leave us to ours.

DIRECTOR: You all are gonna regret this.

GHOST: BEGONE!

DIRECTOR: [aside] Just wait til I tell Charles and David. You are so gonna regret this!

Exit Director.

HAMLET: Or to take arms against a sea of troubles.

HORATIO: If he steal aught the whilst this play is playing.

GHOST: O wicked wit and gifts, that have the power.

OPHELIA: Ay, truly; for the power of beauty will sooner transform honesty from what it is to a bawd than the force of.

GERTRUDE: Of Hamlet's wildness. So shall I hope your virtues.

GHOST: So to seduce! - won to his shameful lust.

HORATIO: And 'scape detecting, I will pay the theft.

GERTRUDE: Will bring him to his wonted way again.

OPHELIA: Honesty can translate beauty into his likeness.

HAMLET: And by opposing end them.

Curtains for the theatre.