"Bunco America. How may you help me?"
"What?"
"Bunco America. How may you help me?"
"Aren't you supposed to be helping me?"
"I'm sorry - do I know you?"
"I've been banking with you for 34 years."
"Sorry, but I've only been working here for three weeks. Waddya want?"
"I came home from Bingo this afternoon and found - YOUNG LADY, PUT SOME CLOTHES ON!"
"I'm wearing a towel!"
"A towel is not clothes!"
"I got hungry in the shower. You got any food in this dump?"
"Is this a bad time to talk?"
"NOT UNTIL YOU PUT SOME CLOTHES ON!"
"Lady, I've got clothes on."
"YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!"
"Perhaps you should call back lat -"
"NO! This is exactly what I'm talking about! I came home this afternoon and found another family living in my house!"
"And, why is that Bunco America's problem?"
"They say that your bank foreclosed on my mortgage and that they now own the house."
"Ooh. Awkward."
"Very."
"Well, let's just see here...that's 253 Wilmington Avenue?"
"That's right."
"Dayton, West Ohio?"
"Yes."
"And, you are Rosalita McGion?"
"No, I'm Paulette Irresolutienne."
"Well, I'm sorry, but my records show that the McGion's have a mortgage on that property. They are the legal owners."
"NO, THEY AREN'T! THIS IS WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU: I'VE BEEN LIVING HERE FOR OVER FORTY -"
"Excuse me?"
"YEARS! THIS IS MY -"
"EXCUSE ME!"
"HOU - WHAT?"
"Have you been telling my daughter what to do?"
"Your - what? Oh. She was walking around the house without any clothes on."
"What's it to you?"
"It's my house!"
"No. It's my house. And, what, exactly the hell are you doing here?"
"You see what I have to put up with?"
"Just wait until my husband gets home!"
"Mrs. Irresoluting."
"Irresolutienne. Yes?"
"I sympathize. Really, I do. Still, it could be worse."
"Worse? How could it be worse?"
"We could have hired people to enter your home in the middle of the day when you were out playing Bingo and remove everything that you own. That's how we usually deal with people who default on their mortgages. That tacky beige couch with the indeterminate stains. The credenza with your collection of Woodstock commemorative drinking plates. The urn containing your husband's ashes. All gone to the dump without your knowledge. Think of it, Mrs....lady. Your husband's ashes. In the dump. So, you see, you should really be grateful that there was some kind of mix up and we allowed you to stay in your home."
"Grateful? To you?"
"Specifically to our evictions department. If they had been a little bit more on the ball, you would be out on the street where a mortgage defaulter like you belongs. I really must make a note in your file..."
"You have a file on me?"
"It's open right in front of me. Jeez, this wedding photo isn't very flattering - did you sue the photographer? I would have."
"If you have a file on me, then you must know the biggest problem with all of this nonsense."
"What's that?"
"MY HUSBAND PAID OFF THE MORTGAGE FIVE YEARS AGO!"
"What?"
"There is no mortgage on this property. It was paid off five years ago."
"I...I don't understand what you are saying."
"You know how you give us money to buy a house, and then we pay it back in small amounts over several years?"
"That's right."
"Well, we paid it back. We don't owe you anything."
"Nope. Still not making sense to me."
"You understand the word 'we?'"
"Right."
"Paid?"
"Exchanged money. Right."
"You?"
"Got it. Me."
"In full."
"Completely."
"We paid you in full."
"No. You see, when you put them together like that, the words just don't make sense."
"THE MORTGAGE HAS BEEN PAID OFF!"
"Wh...umm, okay. That's unusual, but let's say that what you're saying is true. Why don't I have any record of that?"
"THAT WAS GOING TO BE MY NEXT QUESTION!"
"I need the phone."
"You can have it when I'm done."
"I NEED IT NOW!"
"YOU CAN USE THE PHONE WHEN I'M DONE!"
"MOOOOOM! THE OLD BITCH WON'T LET ME USE THE PHONE!"
"WORK IT OUT YOURSELVES! GENERAL DAYS OF OUR HOSPITALS JUST STARTED!"
"Okay, I see there is a problem, here."
"Great! So, what are you going to do about it?"
"I can have a moving crew there within the hour."
"Finally!"
"Where will you be moving to?"