What the Heck Do You Know? Dreads Having "The Talk"
1) Do you remember the Chicago Debacle of 1966?
a) remember it? I lost a Lamborghini Testy-Rossi, half a wife and one of my spleens because of it!
b) umm...I remember the Chicago Unpleasantness of 1966, the Detroit Debacle of 1966 and the Chicago Debacle of 1866, but, no, I can't say that the Chicago Debacle of 1966 rings any bells...
c) come on, Gramps! I'm a member of the Internet generation! I don't remember the Chicago Debacle of three days ago, and I'm pretty sure I tweeted about it!
2) Has extreme frugality made your life worse?
a) extreme frugality...extreme frugality...was that a punk band in the eighties?
b) naah - eating is overrated
c) yes, but Ben Bernanke says it's good for my soul, so...
3) President Obama has warned Libya's Moammar Gadhafi that if violence in his country continues, all options for dealing with him will be on the table. Which table is that?
a) a sturdy oak table - a table built with all the craft, precision and pride that American industry used to have - a table that any President would be delighted to make threats at
b) a table made entirely out of lobsters (Salvador Dali was having an off day)
c) a piece of rotten wood teetering on an overturned bucket - our times of diminished expectations long gone, we are now living in times of rotten wood teetering on overturned buckets
4) Tell me, where do the children play?
a) in the school playground. Down the street from the nuclear power plant. Next to the toxic waste dump. We, uhh, didn't plan that very well, although, to be fair, it's not in a wealthy neighbourhood, so it's not like we care that much about it...
b) they play bridge in the bedroom, pinochle in the playroom, Keno in the kitchen and poker in the parlour
c) wherethechildrenplay.com
5) The British government has given protected status to a former workhouse that is believed to have been an inspiration for Charles Dickens' Oliver Twist. Why would it do that?
a) if neo-conservative ideas prevail, the country might soon need to use it
b) if neo-conservative ideas prevail, the country might soon need to use it as a model for workhouses around the country
c) nostalgia for a bitter time
6) How can I stop my mind from wandering?
a) fix the hole where the rain gets in
b) threaten to move your thought processes to China if your mind doesn't shape up
c) simply pinch off the end of the Pyrex tube and, umm, drain of all excess...you know...what do you call them? - oh, yeah, fluids and...and...sorry, what was the question, again? My mind seems to have been wandering...
7) A Congressional sub-committee dominated by Republicans has voted to strip the Environmental Protection Agency of its duty to regulate greenhouse gases. Considering that the Republican position is that global warming is a hoax that couldn't be caused by greenhouse gases, why do they care so much?
a) Ronald Reagan was the greatest President the United States ever had, and fuck you for even hinting at suggesting the possibility that maybe he wasn't perfect, you vicious Commie America-hating bastard!
b) umm...what?
c) you heard me!
d) what does that have to do with the EPA?
e) EPA schmeepeeay! It's just like a pinko liberal to try to change the subject! Can we please stick to the point, or is it too much to ask from a pinhead like you?
f) uhh...sorry?
g) fuckin' A.
8) First, there were four tastes: sweetness, bitterness, sourness and saltiness. Then, taste scientists added a fifth: umami. Now, as if our world hasn't been shaken up enough, taste scientists want to add another taste to our palette. What is the sixth taste?
a) ESP
b) Stu Sutcliffe
c) Milla Jovovich (and, she's very good in the role, too)
9) Is radiation from Japan a threat to northern California?
a) only if you eat it raw
b) only if you inhale, and President Clinton showed us the way on that one!
c) uhh...yes?
d) Ronald Reagan was the greatest President the United States ever had, and fuck you for even hinting at suggesting the possibility that -
e) but, I, uhh, I could be wrong...
10) Why do women love shoes?
a) because men love feet?
b) because ever since corsets fell out of fashion, women have been searching for a way to disfigure themselves in the name of beauty
c) because social norms deny them the pleasure of leading acquisitions raids on unwilling Fortune 500 companies, and they have to fill their time somehow
11) What is the Republican Party's top legislative priority now that it has control of the House of Representatives?
a) the war in Libya
b) the earthquake and tsunami in Japan, the world's third largest economy
c) defunding NPR
12) How do plant sterols fight cholesterol?
a) in close quarters hand to hand combat, the vicious bastards
b) with whisper campaigns behind cholesterol's back, the vicious bastards
c) they shout, "Look at the pistils on that rose!" then, when cholesterol's back is turned, they hit it with a shovel, the treacherous and vicious bastards
13) Why are the Angry Birds angry?
a) somebody put red caviar in the bird feeder instead of black caviar, and they're sick of explaining the difference to the maitre d'
b) because of the raw deal Fox gave Joss Whedon's Firefly; they would lead a boycott of the network, but all they seem able to do is knock down two-dimensional wooden structures, so they decided to go with their strength
c) if all you seemed able to do was knock down two-dimensional wooden structures, wouldn't you be a bit peeved?
14) What is the difference between Russian breasts and the breasts of other women?
a) an incomprehensibly thick...accent
b) they are found, for the most part, in Russia
c) which Internet site did you get that idea from? Geez Louise (whose breasts are neither Russian nor others, by the way - she's from Newfoundland), don't you have a job or a family or some kind of life? Besides, everybody knows that the difference is .03789 on the Hefner Perkiness Scale
15) Which of the following words or phrases has appeared once too often in a comedy film, and should, as a result, be avoided by filmmakers who don't want to seem lazy?"
a) "Yu think?"
b) "Aw-kward."
c) "All grease fittings must be greased and all moving parts must be lubricated. Careful attention is given to the gauges and valves regulating the pressure. Items such as the boiler feedwater delivery system, the draw gear, chafing irons, piston rods and fasteners, the running gear and valve motion rods are inspected and checked for adequate operation."
16) According to Minnesota Senator Michele Bachmann, America's Founding Fathers were responsible for ending slavery. Is she ignorant or intentionally distorting history for her own ends?
a) she's ignorant, but, in her defense, so are her supporters, so some kind of universal balance is maintained
b) oh, she's definitely distorting history; next thing you know, she'll be claiming that the Founding Fathers repelled Martian invaders in Grover's Mill and got American hostages released from Iran in 1979
c) neither! Bachmann is a great American who, like our Founding Fathers, helped abolish slavery!
17) What is "feticide?"
a) intentionally, and with malice of forethought, murdering a chunk of feta cheese (often taking Greek salad bystanders out with it)
b) the death of a popular fetish (see Question 10 for more)
c) right wing Louisianans' latest ploy to undermine Roe v. Wade. You have to admit, it has a catchy slogan: "feticide, don't fail me now!"
18) Which of the following would be your choice for the name of a bacon-scented cologne?
a) Scent of a Ham
b) Slaughterhouse Blood Chanel #5
c) You Wear That And You're Sleeping On The Couch Mister!
19) What is "benevolent sexism?"
a) the kind that pats a woman on the shoulder at the same time as slapping her on the ass
b) holding a door open for a woman who is clearly capable of holding the door open on her own, then denying her the raise she has earned because, well, isn't opening a door enough?
c) I know what it is, but I won't know it when I see it
20) What is the "Polaris Azimuth?"
a) I don't know - my school stopped offering science in grade three
b) a fantastic new way to ensure your breath is minty fresh
c) I'm glad you asked! For the answer to this question, read the exciting best-selling novel Scarlett Brushfire and the Polaris Azimuth, now available at better book stores (and some of the naughtier ones, as well) for a very reasonable price.
