Putting the Fun Back in Electile Dysfunction

News from the 2011 Canadian election: He's A Solid Pillock Of The Community

PRIME MINISTER: The economy - coalition - is still in a fragile - coalition - state. At this time - coalition - we cannot afford - coalition - to trust things - coalition - to a coalition - coalition!

DOCTOR: Wow. I haven't seen a case of Political Tourette's this bad since Rudy Giuliani couldn't stop referring to 9/11! I think there are a number of things that we could try to cure you.

PRIME MINISTER: Cure me? Coalition.

DOCTOR: Of course. Don't you want to be cured?

PRIME MINISTER: Of course. Coalition. (pause) But - coalition - could we maybe wait - coalition - until after the - coalition - election?

Don't Ask What We Do With The Sacks Once You've Dropped Them Off...

A short-lived advertisement on Craigslist:

Cat Whisperers Needed to Keep Kittens Away from places where Prime Minister Harper is campaigning.

We are a social media company working for a political organization, hired to keep photographs that make the Prime Minister look like he is about to eat a kitten out of the media by supplying a team of wranglers who will constantly scour his immediate vicinity to ensure that no young cats are within grabbing and chomping range. We are NOT officially affiliated with the Harper campaign. Unofficially...well, draw your own conclusions.

Compensation: TBD. hourly rate and volume of whispering activity. Bonuses for the number of sacks you fill with kittens.

Really? Because When I Think Of The Party Of Curdled Milk, The Liberals Aren't The One That Comes To Mind...
"We need some fresh blood we need some new people who have some new ideas and who are willing to stand up for their constituents. And I'm afraid Ms. Neville has passed her expiry date." - Saint Boniface Conservative MP Shelly Glover, talking about the difficulty of finding an opponent for 68 year-old Anita Neville in the nearby riding of Winnipeg South Centre Facts Never Lie, And Liars Never...Uhh...Never Fact

REALITY CHEQUE: according to some critics on the right, Canadian media are dominated by left-wing propagandists. We have developed the following graphic to determine whether or not this accusation is true:

The facts don't lie. Clearly, Canada's national media are dominated by lefties!

Is That Funny "Ha Ha" Or Funny "There's A Tickle In My Throat - Am I About To Cough Up A Rhino?"?
1 for the road) Funny thing: there is currently no Conservative candidate nominated to run in Winnipeg South Centre; the previous candidate, former Air Canada pilot Raymond Hall, quit the job abruptly last month citing "personal reasons." What personal reasons would those be? a) he was caught eating a kitten
b) he was caught giving Prime Minister Harper a kitten to "do with as he sees fit"
c) the Conservative candidate screening process needs some serious reworking

The Pod People Strike Again!
Who Are You And What Have You Done With The Real Jean-Guy Dagenais?
"Here, the registry is a must." - Jean-Guy Dagenais, 2010 Quebec Provincial Police Association President and strong supporter of the long gun registry

"It gives police a false sense of security" and has had a "shameful" administration. - Jean-Guy Dagenais, 2011 Conservative candidate in the riding of Saint-Hyacinthe-Bagot and strong opponent of the long gun registry

Those Strange Urges You Get In The Middle Of The Night? Iffy. Very Iffy.

Congratulations [INSERT NAME HERE] family! You have been chosen for a spontaneous video opportunity with Prime Minister Stephen Harper! Simply gather around your kitchen table between 7:23am and 7:31am (food may be displayed on the table, but please do not engage in dining until after the Prime Minister has left) and engage in entirely unrehearsed banter that does not include the following subjects:

the Prime Minister's hair;
the war in Afghanistan;
Grandpa Flimber's bursitis, phlebitis or rutabagas;
previous photo opps involving sweaters, a warm fire in a hearth and/or kittens...especially kittens;
the war in Libya;
the Prime Minister favourite Stooge (he'll say Jack Layton instead of Curly, to everybody's confusion);
poroguing Parliament;
Justin Bieber;
what's wrong with kids these days;
withholding key financial information from Parliament;
the weather (sorry, but the Prime Minister has more important things to worry about than the weather in your area);
the CBC (sorry, but the Prime Minister goes red in the face when this is mentioned, and, as you might imagine, that would ruin the video opp!)
this list;
charges of contempt of Parliament.

Please ignore the cameraperson, lighting crew, makeup artist, script doctor, personal handler and any of the other members of the Prime Minister's 20 person entourage who might be lurking in the shadows of your kitchen. Other than that, feel free to be yourselves and have fun! After the video opportunity, the RCMP will debrief your entire family. Please allow at least two hours for the debriefing. Thank you, in advance, for your invaluable contribution to the Canadian political process!

You Kids Get Your Damn Coalition Off My Lawn!

"A Liberal-NDP-Bloc coalition would be against the will and interests of the Canadian people!"

Unlike the coalition that occurred when the Reform and the Conservatives joined together?

"That was hardly a coalition!"

Unlike the coalition you tried to form with the NDP and the Bloc in 2004?

"That was a different story!"

Isn't it true that every time you got Liberal or NDP support for a bill - which you had to or you couldn't pass anything - you were forming an ad hoc coalition?

"That's not, umm...not the kind of coalition I'm talking about..."

"Are you suggesting that there's something illegitimate about the coalition governments of allies such as Italy or England?"

"Of course not, but -"

You must admit, you seemed pretty hot to join the military coalition enforcing the no-fly zone in Libya.

"Dammit, stop twisting my rhetoric to suit your facts!"