Welcome to Kazpafstahn,
Your welcoming, nurturing motherland -
It's good to see you have returned.
It must be great to be on the old sod
After years of schooling abroad -
You must share with us all that you have learned.
W...what is that you say?
You have not come back home to stay?
Oh, dear! By our own children we've been spurned!
Welcome to Kazpafstahn,
A lovely, scenic, simple land,
For an invigorating vacation.
It's not much to look at, it's true,
And there isn't really much here to do
Except lie in the mud of rejuvenation.
If it is for youth you hunger,
All it takes is one treatment to make you look years younger.
Our children did not lie, tourist: it is the pride of our nation.
Welcome to Kazpafstahn,
An excellent place for a businessman
Looking for new resources to exploit.
Our mud has a thousand and one uses;
An entrepreneur will make money on whichever he chooses,
He just has to be cunning and financially adroit.
If you would like to export it,
Our government will be happy to support it -
This could make us wealthier than Detroit!
Welcome to Kazpafstahn,
Where a peaceful people welcomes your religion.
We all believe in the mythical arts.
We worship the mystical powers of fried rice,
But some of us will happily accept your Christ
Into our hearts.
Of course, this will create a big schism
Between your religion and our form of animism,
But surely that's no reason to tear the country apart.
Welcome to Kazpafstahn,
A seemingly exotic land;
We may not have much here, but we love it.
We know you are a foreign spy.
Go ahead and admit it. No, really, do not be shy.
We understand our glorious mud your people covet.
We see you plotting with King Feherblatz
To install a democratic government quite ersatz,
But we are peaceful and we can rise above it.
Welcome to Kazpafstahn,
An increasingly troubled land,
Where peace seems to have been interrupted
By arguments among political elites
And violent skirmishes spilling out onto the streets -
Our way of life is more and more becoming disrupted.
You come here as adviser to the king
About how much force it is right to use to end the squabbling,
And so, little by little, our political system is corrupted.
Welcome to Kazpafstahn,
Brave and clever Captain.
It's good to have foreign boots on our ground.
All this fighting must cease.
We long to have returned our country's peace,
Where joy and goodwill did abound.
Is it really worth all that blood?
I mean, all we're fighting about, really, is mud;
Surely, there's enough of the stuff to go around.
Welcome to Kazpafstahn,
Our sad war-torn, strife-ridden land.
We are glad to see someone from your country here to do serious reporting.
The growing corruption in government,
The violence, the destruction, finding out where all the mud riches went -
Tell the world about the nasty vices we have been importing.
But...what is it you really want to see?
Just your own countrymen's casualties?
You have your priorities, I suppose, even if reality you are distorting.
Welcome to Kazpafstahn,
A forward-looking kind of land;
With your diplomacy, you will help us stop the fighting.
Sit down with us and talk a - hey! Wait! Wha - why are you going to the King's palace?
This is like something from Alice!
We were hoping some terrible wrongs you would be righting!
We could have been witnessing democracy's finest hour;
Instead, the kleptocrats can remain in power,
Our good country to continue blighting.
Welcome to Kazpafstahn,
A ruined, broken, impoverished land
With not much left to give.
Our mud no longer nourishes.
The result? Our economy no longer flourishes.
Our international debt nobody is willing to forgive.
Can your NGO help us in our time of need?
With people to house and people to feed?
Can you help supply us with the basics to live?
Welcome to Kazpafstahn,
A strangely quiet and yet hopeful land.
Of scientists and researchers, let there be a great flood!
We have always been welcoming (at least we're consistent) -
You say you have found something highly disease resistant
In our citizens' blood?
This new idea - we should despise it,
But, sure, what the hell, we'll help you monetize it -
It's got to work out better than the mud!
