Canada, Goosed

Ask Not For Whom The Bell Tolls, It Tolls For Apathy

In response to voter apathy, some people are again floating the idea of forcing people to vote, either by fining them if they don't or, I suppose, chaining them to a ballot box on election day. Interesting proposals, but consider who we would be dealing with:

the guy who wants to see more headshots in the NHL because, frankly, the game has gotten pretty tame over the last couple of years (he knows this for a fact because Don Cherry said so);
the gal who thought Paula Abdul was the best part of American Idol, and used every second of her spare time promoting an online petition to boycott the show when the singer left;
the guy who wants to be a gal who thinks Michael Ignatieff is an extreme skateboarder and Stephen Harper is the name of a haemorrhoid cream.

This is not, I'm thinking, something we want to encourage...

If "Conservatives" Were Honest About What They Want To Do To Social Programmes, They Wouldn't Stand A Chance Of Surviving The Ensuing Riots

"If socialists called themselves such, they wouldn't stand a chance of being elected." - George Jonas in a column in The National Post

After All, We Are In The Middle Of A Federal Election...

"Potash Corp. reaps benefits of rising demand for fertilizer" - Globe and Mail headline

A Liberal Is A Conservative Who Has Friends Under Indictment

Bruce Carson had been an adviser to provincial and federal Conservatives, most recently Prime Minister Stephen Harper, until it was revealed that he had been disbarred and served time in jail after pleading guilty to two counts of defrauding law clients. "That was 20 years ago!" insisted the Prime Minister. "Don't you believe that a man can be rehabilitated?"

Sure. But, judging by your tough on crime legislation, we didn't think you did.

They Really Need To Stop Passing Around Mushrooms In The Globe Cafeteria

"Here's a coalition scenario: Duceppe as prime minister" - Globe and Mail headline

But, This Is A Good Start

All you need now are Min Choi and Oliver Chew to cause total ballot confusion.

Voters Figure Out Their Own Way Of Achieving The Goal

"Harper urges majority to stop separatists" - Toronto Star

"NDP rises from invisible to en vogue
Efforts to build base in Quebec paying off as NDP surges in polls" - Toronto Star

Poll Dancing

"AS HARPER GOVERNMENT FALLS, EXCLUSIVE POLL REVEALS:
Tories in majority territory" - Toronto Star

"NANOS POLL
Canadians warming to Ignatieff - a little" - Globe and Mail

"NANOS POLL
NDP weakens amid talk of two-way race" - Globe and Mail

"Ignatieff's appeal improving, but Harper leads in poll" - Toronto Star

"Poll shows NDP at new low" - Toronto Star

"NDP sidle up to Liberals
Poll shows bump for Layton's party after debate may not hold" - Toronto Star

"Jumpin' Jack rocks the vote
Layton's climb continues as survey shows NDP surging ahead of Liberals, closing gap with Tories" - Toronto Star

Finally, A Poll I Can Believe In

"Mistrust, cynicism take lead, poll finds" - Toronto Star

That Could Be A Compliment...

The plaza near where I grew up has been dying for the past couple of years, as evidenced by the fact that many of its stores are boarded up. Thank goodness the Conservative candidate in our riding has moved his headquarters into what used to be the bank. If anybody can put the plaza out of its misery, he can!

It's Not That Canada Doesn't Love You, Stephen, It's Just That We Have Trust Issues

"We always say, in all these elections, in a democratic ethos, voters are never supposed to give absolute trust to anybody." - Stephen Harper, on the resurgence of the NDP

"Canadians need to understand clearly, without any ambiguity: Unless Canadians elect a stable, national majority, Mr. Ignatieff will form a coalition with the NDP and Bloc Québécois." - Stephen Harper, asking for voters' absolute trust

Until My Next Pay Check Clears Would Be Nice

Stephen Harper has been praised for his handling of the Canadian economy during the worst economic downturn since the 1930s. How did he do it?

He didn't allow Canadian banks to merge. He didn't deregulate such things as how much cash reserves banks have to have on hand. Although he did cut some taxes, he didn't need to shred the social safety net in order to pay for them. In short, he acted in the exact opposite of his beliefs.

Now, how long do you suppose that can last?

Umm...When They're Older?

"When will young voters engage?" - Toronto Star headline

Not Only That, But Pollsters Usually Work In Their Pyjamas

Dear Editor,

Yesterday, your newspaper ran a cartoon in which a man in a lab coat holding a clipboard was asking the Easter Bunny questions. Behind them, a chart indicates that the man is conducting a poll of how Canadians with different party affiliations feel about different kinds of chocolate. I found this cartoon to be highly unrealistic.

Because he must be on the road at this time of year, the Easter Bunny can only be reached by cell phone. And, as we know, most polling companies do not have the capacity to question people on cellphones, only landlines.

I trust your cartoonist will be issuing a correction forthwith. Posthaste, even.

Will The Real Stephen Harper Please Stand Down?

"As long as I'm prime minister, we are not reopening the abortion debate. The government will not bring forward any such legislation, and any such legislation that is brought forward will be defeated." - 2011

"I'm not ashamed to say that, in caucus, I have more pro-life MPs supporting me than supporting Stockwell Day." - 2002

"This is an unshakable commitment. Canadians from coast to coast to coast rely on our health care system and rely on governments to keep that health care system strong and that is what we will do." - 2011

"The private provision of publicly insured services should be permitted." - 2002

Is Vandalizing Of Liberals' Cars Passionate Enough For You?

"Policy in search of passion" - Globe and Mail headline

The PM Mind Trick In Action

PETER KENT: It is outrageous that Scarborough-Southwest Conservative candidate Gavan Paranchothy hosted a television programme which honoured Tamil Tiger heroes and freedom fighters in Sri Lanka. It was a tribute and it's unacceptable, even if he didn't write it, even if he didn't believe it.

Stephen Harper passes a hand in front of Kent's face.

STEPHEN HARPER: (whispers forcefully) You see no connection to a terrorist organization here.

PETER KENT: Gavan Paranchothy is a fine Conservative candidate, and he will be a great Member of Parliament for Scarborough-Southwest. He has assured the Prime Minister that he is in no way connected to or supportive of terrorists, and that's good enough for me. Good enough for me. For me. For me. For me. That's good enough for meeeeeeee...