Election 2011: Canada Goes to the Dogs

I May Be Paraphrasing A Little

"You wanna know how to get the Liberals? They talk about your policies, you talk about their mothers. They send the reputation of one of yours into the toilet, you send the reputation of one of theirs to the morgue. That's the Conservative way! And that's how you get the Liberals." - Jim Malone

The Old Voter Suppression Ways Are Usually The Best

RING RING.

"Hello?"

"Hello. This is Elections Canada calling to remind you that Monday is election day. To vote, you need to go to the Michi Whitebread Junior High School in Quebec City."

"Really? Are you sure about that?"

"Yes. Why?"

"I live in Brandon, Manitoba."

CLICK!

The Demise Of Their Reports Hasn't Been Greatly Exaggerated

167 seats) Now that the Conservative Party has won a majority of seats in Parliament, what will happen to the report on the Canadian handling of Afghan detainees? Or, the report on the in-out finance scheme of the last election? Or, the report that the party withholds information from Parliament? Or... a) they will be buried next to Osama bin Laden's body somewhere in the ocean
b) they will be used to plug the leak in the Plains Midstream Canada Rainbow pipeline
c) what report on the Canadian handling of Afghan detainees? Or, report on the in-out finance scheme of the last election? Or...?

Progressives Are Running Out Of Options

A lot of Canadians were saying to themselves, "If Stephen Harper forms a majority government, I'm moving to Cana - oh, wait...!"

This Is Your Government On Tough On Crime Legislation

This is your brain. Elton needs help for his heroine addiction, so he goes to a safe injection site, where he is slowly weaned off the drug. With some career counselling, he gets a steady job in a factory and gets off the street.

This is your brain on harsh drug legislation. Elton needs help for his heroine addiction, but there is nowhere to go; he is eventually arrested in a drug bust and sentenced to seven years in prison. Assuming he isn't killed by another inmate, he gets out strung out and needing a fix, so he robs and murders a couple for their pocket change, and, when caught, is given life in prison.

Any questions?

Maybe They Should Take A Poll On The Issue...

"Pollsters credibility on the line
Industry will be asking itself how it missed a Tory majority" - Globe and Mail

Pandering To Minorities For Political Advantage? Why Anybody Would Do That Completely Burfles Me

Burfle (noun): A word that stands in for a religious or ethnic minority in a statement in a political script. EXAMPLE: "When a voter walks up to the polling station, say: 'You know, Stephen Harper is the only true supporter of the Burfles.' Then, substitute the appropriate group (ie: Jews, Sikhs, bowler hat enthusiasts, etc) for the word 'Burfle.' This is highly illegal. But, it's also highly effective."

Looking On The Bright Side...

The plaza in the neighbourhood where I grew up has been dying for the past few years, as evidenced by the fact that many of its stores are boarded up. Thank goodness the Conservative candidate in our riding, who moved his headquarters into what used to be the bank, won. If anybody can put the plaza out of its misery, he can!

It's A Really Comfortable Chair...

Yesterday, upon the stair
I met a politician who wasn't there
I met that politician again today
I wish that politician would go to Ottawa, already, and represent the interests of his voters in a truly democratic way

She didn't attend any rallies. She didn't meet to debate her opponents. She didn't go door to door to talk to voters. Yet, the New Democratic Party insists that newly elected MP Ruth Ellen Brusseau is, in fact, a human being and not a term of endearment for a chair in the party's Berthier-Maskinonge riding office.

Meanwhile, over in Lethbridge, he didn't show up for debates. He didn't do interviews with local newspapers. He didn't - are you getting a sense of deja vu, here? "It's not that he was avoiding the media," Conservative MP Jim Hillyer's campaign manager explained, "It was just that he was born with a rare skin condition that makes it impossible for cameras to capture his image. But, uhh, we expect that a cure will be found before he takes his seat in Ottawa..."

Oh, the coming Parliament is going to be fun.

Oh. Well. Thanks For Explaining That

Look. When the Globe and Mail endorsed the Conservative party in an editorial, we weren't referring to the ones who authorized, produced or paid for the advertisements that unfairly vilified Liberal leader Michael Ignatieff. We are already on record as opposing those. And, we certainly didn't mean to endorse the Conservatives who exacerbated ethnic divisions in order to win votes. And, we haven't forgotten the fact that the supposedly fiscally responsible Conservative Party ballooned the federal deficit, which will ultimately result in Draconian cuts to government services. We never supported those Conservatives and never will. And, of course, we do not support Stephen Harper's consolidation of power, silencing of critics and stonewalling of Parliament. This is not how democracy works.

No. We endorsed the good Conservatives. You know, the Progressive Conservatives. The ones who don't exist any more.

Now, will you please stop pulling your subscriptions from the newspaper?

Expect To See His Face On Milk Cartons In The Near Future

A newly elected Conservative has suggested further improvements to the national census. St. Catharines MP Rick Dykstra has stated that he would like to see the census become a sheet of paper with a single question - "Are you who you say you are?" - that gets passed from household to household starting in Vancouver and slowly makes its way across the country to the Maritimes.

"Interesting concept," Prime Minister Harper responded. "We will consider it right after Rick has been given the lecture about the importance of caucus solidarity in order to not embarrass the leader."

Yes, indeed, the coming Parliament is going to be great fun.