"Say your former girlfriend's current boyfriend has been shot in the head, and the cops want to finger you for the crime. You could turn to a lawyer for help, but that would cost an arm and a leg. Instead, why don't you phone 1-800-Old-Bill? Old Bill is made up of cops who were too...intense to stay on the force. But, their loss is your gain - they'll help you get off that attempted murder rap at a fraction of the cost a real lawyer would. And, these guys, they've been at it 10-20 years or more, they really know how to work the system - I mean, how the system works. Trust me on this - when I got into trouble with my ex, Ramona, Old Bill really helped me out. They never did catch the guy who shot Federico, but, hey, I'm just a radio announcer - justice ain't my concern. Remember: 1-800-Old-Bill. They do sexual assault, too."
"Yeah, whoa."
"That's the first time I've heard that spot. I don't know who is in worse shape: afternoon drive guy Dick Malthus for taking part in it, or the station for airing it."
"Hey! Ads like that pay our salaries."
"I'll be sure to spend extra time in the shower tomorrow just thinking about it. Okay, I'm Dante 'Dick' Roverside..."
"I'm Evan 'Dick' Lamanchuk, and you're listening to 95 point two two, C-D-I-K FM - Big DICK Radio, home of the dollar ninety-five rib sandwich every second Tuesday of the month."
"If it existed, I'm sure it would be a tasty lunch treat."
"Radio is theatre of the mind, Dick."
"Or, in our case, theatre of whatever the listeners don't mind. Speaking of which, this is Canada Day, people!"
"To celebrate, take a beaver to lunch."
"...Or, something like that. To celebrate, this is the Highway to Hell of Heroes weekend. All weekend, we will be celebrating the sacrifices being made by our hard-working men and women in uniform with -"
"And, dogs."
"What?"
"Don't forget our hard-working dogs in uniform."
"Oookay. All weekend, we'll be celebrating the sacrifices made by our hard-working men, women and dogs in uni -"
"And, beavers."
"Okay, now, you're just pushing it."
"Maybe, but, freedom to push things on morning radio is one of the rights that our brave men and women and animals in uniform are fighting to help us keep."
"Dick, I don't know whether to admire you for validating the point of the weekend or to slap you upside the head for the way you did it."
"I know which one I would choose."
"So, if you would like to dedicate a song to our brave...vertebrates in uniform around the world, please - oh. I see we have a caller. How patriotic. You're on the air, caller."
"Yeah, this is Martina. Love the show, guys, and -"
"Martina, could you turn your radio down? I'm getting a little feedback."
"My radio isn't on, Dick. This is just how I talk."
"Oh."
"Have you tried a speech therapist for that, Martina?"
"Actually, Dick, it's kind of a convenient power to have on blind dates."
"Okay, Martina, you were saying...?"
"Right. I love the show and I was wondering if you would play Barry McGuire's 'Eve of Destruction' for the Highway to Hell of Heroes weekend."
"Are you being ironic, Martina?"
"Because, it's hard to tell when you talk like you've just swallowed a Marshall amp."
"Umm, no. I really love that song."
"Okay, we're going to take another call. Jethro, what would you like to hear for the Highway to Hell of Heroes weekend?"
"Umm...'Alice's Restaurant' by Arlo Guthrie, Dick?"
"Okay, we have Paula on the line. What song would you like to dedicate to the troops, Paula?"
"Well, Dick, I'm a huge Bob Dylan fan -"
"Oh oh."
"And, he has a lot of songs that I think would be appropriate for this special weekend, but the one I would like to hear the most -"
"Don't go there, Paula."
"Is 'Masters of War.'"
"Paula went there."
"Okay, look, people. The Highway to Hell of Heroes weekend is supposed to celebrate our troops. And, when I say celebrate our troops, I really mean glorify war. Requesting anti-war songs is funny - in a twisted sort of way - but isn't really in keeping with the spirit of what our corporate overlords are trying to do here. Actually, we have a request from Corporal Lance Gatling, currently stationed in Kandahar. If you want to know what the Highway to Hell of Heroes weekend is all about, listen to this..."
"Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Last night, my friend got his foot blown off by an IED! I...I held him in my arms until the morphine kicked in and the screaming stopped. What the hell am I doing here? I'm scared all the time. Scared that I'll be next. Scared of what I could do to other people to survive. You want a request? I've got a request for you: FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, END THIS [expletive deleted] WAR AND BRING ME HOME!"