by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer
It looks less and less likely that President Schwarzenegger will be able to get the 75 votes he needs in Congress to pass HR2116Pufnstuff.
"Developing a bi-partisan consensus is harder than I thought," Schwarzenegger said, cleverly quoting Bruce Willis from the film Die Hard XVII: Die Hard with a Twist of Lemon.
"It hardly seems right," said Senate minority leader John Connor (D - North Badlands), "for the highest body in the land to pass a law to take away the rights of one citizen!"
Although Democrats say they are standing on a matter of principle, their threat of a filibuster of the law is widely seen as a response to the Republican threat to filibuster decreasing mandatory sentences for the three strike rule in baseball. ...Which was moderately believed to be a response to the Democratic threat to filibuster the law to ban Miley Cyrus from singing in a town with a population greater than 12, which was narrowly considered a response to the Republican threat to filibuster -
"If I had known about the way lies about the legislation would be spouted by the opposition and propagated by the media," Schwarzenegger stated, "I would never have wanted to lead this cockamamie country!" (Will Smith, Bad Boys XXIII: Spanking The World is Not Enough)
HR2116Pufnstuff is informally known as "The Lucy Law" after Lucy "Needing" Doe, the last adult in the United States believed to have not signed a waiver allowing her to appear in a reality television series. "I believe that every citizen has a right to live their life in dignity away from the glare of television cameras," Doe wrote in a letter to Congress that was read on the floor of the House of Representatives by Alan Grayson (D - Flood Zone). "Besides, reality TV is icky."
Lucy Doe has been dubbed "The Black Hole of Reality TV" by Entertainment Weekly. Ouch.
When she went in to Alex' Cheap Cuts and Curls to get her hair dyed, shooting on The Cruelest Cut VII had to be shut down for two hours. "We were down to the last three stylists," producer Arlechino Gibbon told US Weekly. "Tension was mounting. But, we couldn't risk Lucy appearing in a shot and suing our asses."
From there, she went to Bella's Bakerama, where she bought three bagels, two donuts and a rye stick. This stopped shooting on America's Angriest Pastry Chefs XII for over 45 minutes. "I had my biggest emotional meltdown in those 45 minutes!" Bella's Bakerama owner Bella Baker-Amah groused to TMZ.com. "I would have won if that had been captured on video! That was the most expensive rye stick I have ever sold!"
After that, Doe moseyed on over to Carol's Dollar Store and Crab Shack. This interfered with the shooting of My Intern to Shine, which follows the ups and downs of interns on other reality shows; some of the intern/contestants were in the store because they had been given the task of finding a tacky wall clock in the shape of a shooting star. "How am I supposed to become famous if my on-camera time is cut down because of this...woman?" Baker Delahunty complained to...himself.
Nobody listens to interns.
In one afternoon, Doe's presence managed to disrupt 13 different reality shows, including Scent of a Winner V (she entered a perfume shop), Chuck It All III (she entered a butcher shop) and the very popular Hang it High XIX (about high school seniors in a set design course - Doe was there to get a scolding from an old teacher.) In the eight years since the United States went reality TV, it is estimated that Doe has disrupted hundreds, perhaps thousands of shoots.
Six years ago, a consortium of reality TV producers went to court to get a restraining order against Doe, asking that she not be allowed outdoors during sweeps week. "We thought that was a fair compromise," consortium head Simon Cowell sourly stated. "Many of our members wanted her thrown into solitary confinement for the rest of her life!"
Doe's lawyer, Bickford von Predicate (a member of the panel on Who Wants To Be America's Next Great Appellate Court Judge?), successfully argued against the move. "My client just wants to live her life in privacy," he stated. "Did you not pay attention to paragraph six?"
A year after the Supreme Court refused to hear their case, the producers lobbied legislators to force Doe to give them three hours notice before appearing where they were shooting. "We thought that was a fair compromise," consortium head Simon Cowell sourly stated. "Many of our members wanted three weeks notice, and who plans their lives that far ahead?"
von Predicate successfully defended his client against this measure, as well. "What if Lucy decides on the spur of the moment to go to the store to get candles for the dinner she's making for her boyfriend?" he explained in Senate hearings. "Should a woman be thrown in jail just because she's spontaneous?"
The White House is pushing to have HR2116Pufnstuff, which was supposed to be passed by the end of August, passed by the Christmas break. "This is a national emergency! If we do not pass this legislation now," President Schwarzenegger warned, "it may be a generation before we can take another shot at it! Think of how our ratings will suffer!"
The Alternate Reality News Service is proud to announce that Francis Grecoromacolluden was third runner-up on the TV show So You Think You Can Report, America? Way to go, Francis!