by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer
Remember all those fine speeches male members of Congress made about the precious miracle of motherhood when there was no possibility that they could actually experience it? They certainly seem to change their tune awfully quickly when they become the baby incubators.
"Make it stop!" blubbered Republican minority leader Mitch McConnell on the floor of the Senate. "Make it stop! Won't somebody for the love of god please make it stop!"
"Oh, really! Suck it up, Mitch!" responded Democratic congresswoman Barbara Boxer. "Women have had to go through this for millennia!"
It has been two years since men started being able to get pregnant and carry foetuses to term. Nobody knows exactly why it happened, but there are some tantalizing theories.
"All of the different chemicals we've been mixing into our water supply has really done a number on the sexuality of life forms," explained intro-extro-xeno-specstro-biologist Aardfram Senilescu. "It starts with the fish, working its way up the food chain until, wouldn't you know it, male human beings become hermaphrodites who are capable of bearing children.
"I would have preferred to have studied the effect in the lab," Senilescu, Mendel Chair in Seating at the University of Liver, added, "but, as my old high school demolitions teacher used to say: 'Ingmeshtyaborgen dela flip schmenge, ferfestramorgan dela schtroupe flamenge!'"
We'll have a translation of that as soon as we determine what fake language it is supposed to be in.
To date, over 80 male members of Congress have become pregnant. The first, Republican House whip Eric Cantor, has been on a leave of absence since he gave birth; although his office denies it, he is suspected of suffering from post-partum depression. Democrat Max Baucus had to quit as chair of the Senate Finance Committee because his insistence on breast-feeding made discussions of increased government oversight of industries in the financial sector extremely difficult.
At first, members of Congress attempted abstinence to avoid pregnancy. Well, some of them did. Probably. Perhaps. They certainly said they were attempting abstinence. And, we believe them. For the most part. Sometimes. Either way, it didn't stop the increase in the number of male Senators and Representatives from getting pregnant.
"This is why we need more science taught in the schools," Senilescu stated, smacking his forehead with the palm of his hand. After getting stitches (he was holding an unlit Bunsen burner at the time), he added: "What part of asexual hermaphroditic reproduction do people not understand?!"
Umm...pretty much all of it?
Senilescu looked ready to tear out his stitches, but he calmed down enough to say: "Okay. Look. I'm going to make this as simple for you as I can. Hermaphrodites have boy parts and girl parts. When the boy parts and the girl parts of hermaphrodites rub together, a baby is made, just like it is when a boy and a girl rub their parts together. Is that clear, or do I need to get out my Ken, Barbie and Benkie dolls to demonstrate?"
We think that's clear. Do we get a lollipop now?
"Aaaaargh!" Senilescu moaned. "Why doesn't Bill Nye ever get this kind of grief?!"
To adjust to this new reality, the Senate immediately passed a resolution giving itself inexpensive daycare. Rumour in the political blogosphere was that the new Senate daycare programme would be called "The House of Representatives." However, television pundit Glenn Beck, possibly weepier than usual because of hormones - it's hard to tell with him, whined that it would be too confusing, and the idea went nowhere.
Then, there is the strange case of Democratic Representative Bart Stupak. Over a period of several weeks, his stomach clearly started to grow, prompting rumours that he, too, had become pregnant. Then, he returned to his close to svelte figure. Rumours started spreading on the Internet that Stupak had become pregnant, but that he had had the foetus "taken care of."
Stupak's office quickly sent out a press release denying that the Representative had ever been pregnant, claiming that he had "just been a little bloated from eating bad cheese with one of his constituents." Stupak himself didn't help matters when CBS reporter Nick Kersplat tried to ask him about it, prompting the following exchange:
KERSPLAT: Did you -
STUPAK: No.
KERSPLAT: Then, how do you explain -
STUPAK: Gas.
KERSPLAT: Isn't it more likely -
STUPAK: Not me.
KERSPLAT: Why don't -
STUPAK: Excuse me, but this elevator is for very important people only. (looks around) I seem to be the only very important person here, so I will bid you good day. I said: good day to you, sir!
Would it have been such a terrible thing for Stupak to have had an abortion? As Republican Representative Joe Pitts, well into his third trimester, wisely stated: "It's my body, so it's my choice! You have a problem with that? Because, the way my hormones are acting up, if you do, I might just deck you!"