by CORIANDER NEUMANEIMANAYMANEEMAMANN, Alternate Reality News Service Urban Issues Writer
"What do we want?"
"JUSTICE!"
"When do we want it?"
"NOW!"
"What do we want?"
"JUST...uhh...ice?"
"When do we want it?"
"Umm...when's good for you?"
"Let's try that again. What do we want?"
"BIGGER BOOBS!" "A HAM ON RYE WITH SWISS!" "FOR THE SQUIRRELS TO LEAVE ME ALONE, ALREADY!" "BOBBI-JO FERBLUNJIT TO NOTICE ME!" "TO NOT FEEL LIKE A FAILURE EVERY TIME I WALK THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR!" "KRYPTONITE!"
"When do we want it?"
"WHAT WAS THE QUESTION AGAIN?"
A protest in front of the American embassy in Toronto on the 50th anniversary of the imprisonment of 65 year-old Omar Khadr (currently in Guantanamo Three: Bride of Guantanamo Bay) fell apart mere moments after it began. This was not an effect of the brown acid, which protesters had been warned was "none too good."
This was a consequence of the government's new weapon against democracy: the Aural Confusinator.
by NANCY GONGLIKWANYEOHEEEEEEEH, Alternate Reality News Service Technology Writer
The Aural Confusinator (not to be confused with the Oral Confusinator, Fox News) sends sound waves at individuals or groups of individuals. These sound waves combine patterns of white noise with the throbbing base line from the Zombies' song "For Your Love," grunts from Billy Idol videos and a secret sound source (SSS) known only to the chefs in the headquarters of KFC. Scientists have found that hearing these sounds makes people feel like they are doing drugs.
by TINA LOLLOCADENKA, Alternate Reality News Service Music Writer
"We were quite surprised," stated Dexter Drywall, lead guitarist for the rock group Vicarious Bat Monkeys. "We thought we were developing a new music genre: ambient grunge. But, as our lawyer explained, we had actually created a new form of government mind control.
"Cool."
by LAURIE NEIDERGAARDEN, Alternate Reality News Service Medical Writer
It has long been known that sound can affect our mood. Listening to any Pink Floyd album played backwards, for example, has been shown to cause psychotic devil-worship in laboratory rats, who subsequently run in pentagram patterns in mazes and use cheese they are given to create altars. Listening to Michael Bolton induces sleep in just about every species. Listening to Green Day's American Idiot album can cause a vague nostalgia for the peanut butter cups of one's youth. And, so on.
Using a dMRI (dysfunctional Magnetic Resonance Imaging) scanner, scientists in the federal Ministry of Applying Science for Ideological Ends, watched neuronal activity in subjects brains as they listened to various sounds. Using the Vicarious Bat Monkey's song "Don't Let the Airlock Door Hit Your Ass on the Way Out" as their baseline, they fiddled with different combinations of sounds until they came up with one that could cause the firing of neurons in the brain that were usually triggered by smoking a joint.
"As you can imagine, we had a lot of fun in the lab that afternoon!" said lead researcher Orville Beddenbrochfaster.
The group has since found sounds that simulate brain states for snorting cocaine, injecting heroin and huffing taco sauce.
by NANCY GONGLIKWANYEOHEEEEEEEH, Alternate Reality News Service Technology Writer
Then, using parts worth $29.95 from Radio Shock, they built a device that could project these sounds towards groups of 50 to 100 people (150 with a reservation, but gratuity will automatically be added to the bill).
by LAURIE NEIDERGAARDEN, Alternate Reality News Service Medical Writer
Unlike traditional drugs, aurally induced drug stimulating states are not considered addictive.
"I'm sorry, what...?" Beddenbrochfaster responded when we asked him about the addictive qualities of the new technology. "Oh, yeah, no, sorry, I was just experimenting with the Ecstasy sound mix - hey! Look at all the colours in your nose! The colours, man - the colours!"
But, uhh, that opinion may change as research progresses.
by CORIANDER NEUMANEIMANAYMANEEMAMANN, Alternate Reality News Service Urban Issues Writer
Police Chief FantinoBot 2100 looked at the protesters, most of whom were staring at their hands or the sky and giggling uncontrollably. He shook his head sadly and sighed.
"It hardly seems worth getting out a baton and wailing on somebody's ass," Chief FantinoBot 2100 muttered to himself. "I'm not sure I like this new phase in crowd control..."
The Alternate Reality News Service would like to apologize for the disjointed quality of this article and assure our readers that we will not be pursuing the concept of "tag team journalism" in the future. What can we say? Vince McMahon makes it look so easy...