by FREDERICA VON McTOAST-HYPHEN, Alternate Reality News Service Pop Culture Writer
At this year's Oscars, Johnny Depp, a surprise nominee for Best Actor for his role in Pirates of the Caribbean 14: A Roller Coaster Ride of a Movie, wowed the crowd herded on either side of the red carpet with a stylish tuxedo by John Galliano with vents that accentuated the screen heartthrob's fins.
"Accommodating women's fins was easy," Galliano told GFQ, "backless dresses never go out of style. But, I think this is the first time that men can see that, just because they have fins, doesn't mean that they have to look like potbellied land sharks."
The variety of finnal appendages on human backs is a challenge for designers like Galliano. As one might expect, somebody of the stature of Sean Connery has huge, hairy masculine fins, while you'd need a microscope and a generous imagination to see Robert Pattinson's fins.
Galliano, ever the gentleman, commented, "Oh, it's not the size of the fin that matters, it's what you do with it." Of course, that didn't actually answer the question about how he designs clothes for men with such a variety of fins. Pithy, though.
Unfortunately, female actors cannot expect the same sensitivity about the change in their bodies that happened three years ago. "Have you seen Renee Zellwegger's fins?" screeched Vogue fashion editor Andre Leon Talley. "They look like Freddy Krueger took a blowtorch to a shark! Rachel McAdams, on the other hand - now, there's a woman who knows how to carry fins!"
When it was pointed out that the fins on the two actors were almost identical (Zellwegger has a slight purplish discolouration at the tip of her fins that McAdams doesn't have), Talley nodded and asked, "Yeah, so?" When it was further pointed out that this seemed rather...you know...arbitrary, Talley snorted and responded, "You just realized that about fashion now?"
Consider us duly chastised.
One of the other effects of 99 per cent of humanity growing fins is that the business of fin removal has skyrocketed. "Before the virus was released," explained Matthew Frewer, the owner of a chain of cosmetic clinics called Frewer Tuck and Nip, "you'd get maybe three or four fin removals a year, mostly from older dolphins who couldn't - you know - get it up any more. Now, so many actual, live human people want finnectomies, I can't build enough clinics to keep up with the demand!"
Why would anybody want their fins removed when they only take about four months to grow back? "Shh," Frewer admonished us. "Repeat business."
Okay, we understand that it is a symbol of status to be able to afford a finnectomy. Still, how can you tell the difference between somebody who has had their fins removed and one of the small number of people who weren't affected by the virus that caused people to grow the cartilaginous appendages in the first place?
"What?" Frewer groused. "You got a problem with a guy making a living? Jesus! Is this Communist China? Did you know that they glue fins to the backs of people who weren't affected by the virus in China in some crazy scheme to make everybody equal?"
Okay, okay. Consider us duly chastised. Again.
What happens to the fins that have been removed from people's backs? Frewer wouldn't tell us. Fortunately, a poorly paid employee in his shipping department would: they are packed on ice and flown to a restaurant in Manhattan called Sulley's Not At All Tainted By Oil Seafood Safari.
"When life gives you fins," said the owner of Sulley's Not At All Tainted, accidental restaurateur Esteban P. Troglodyte, "make human fin soup."
According to Troglodyte, there is now a six month waiting list at his restaurant, and he has had to import fins from Finland just to keep up with the demand. Although he won't name names (and he pays the people in his shipping department too well for them to dish), Troglodyte claims that some Hollywood stars get their fins removed in Beverly Hills in the morning and fly to New York to have a dinner made out of them in the evening.
"To you, it may be self-cannibalism," Troglodyte defensively sniffed, "To me, it's a business opportunity. You have a problem with that? Because, our whole society is founded on the principle of free enterpri -"
Okay, okay! Enough with the due chastisement, already!