by FREDERICA VON McTOAST-HYPHEN, Alternate Reality News Service People Writer
Little Timmy Ungerunderangerleider couldn't make up his mind. On the one hand, he wanted the triple bacon, onion cheeseburger with Krispy Kreme doughnuts where the sesame seed bun usually resides. On the other hand, the bacon nacho cheese fries with shrimp, clams, oysters and half a lobster was very tempting. Very tempting, indeed.
"If it helps," Bertie, the kid behind the counter, helpfully suggested, "we can supersize the burger with quadruple bacon, extra cheese slices and four Krispy Kreme doughnut buns for just 39 cents."
That sold the deal.
We're in lovely, scenic Sioux Falls City, Iowa for the first annual Festival of Cholesterol. The city, which, with a population of 14,236 souls (and 332 soulless), has the distinction of having the fattest population in America, has decided to stop wallowing in guilt and, instead, wallow in calories.
"The Low Carbs Diet, The 25 Carrots a Day Diet, The High Carbs Diet, The Eat What You Love and Lose Weight (In Your Dreams) Diet, The Doctor Chet Atkins Diet, nothing worked for us," said Mayor Ruiz Rutanga, who, at a svelte 412 pounds, was one of the thinnest citizens of Sioux City Falls, Texas. "So, instead of being unhappy about who we were, we decided to invite the country to celebrate who we were!"
According to the city's Web page, the Festival of Cholesterol is a "celebration of all things fatty and disgusting (that taste soooo good)." Although various activities were held over the weekend, the highlight was the Cholesterol Parade, which wound its way down Main Street from 8am to midnight.
"Sure, it was slow," Mayor Rutanga argued. "That just gave visitors more time to marvel at the Fried Skins Float - featuring deep fried potato, pork and special ‘mystery' skins - and the float made entirely of lard. Visitors who were paying attention may have noticed that the Lard Float got smaller as the day progressed - it was...on account of the heat. Yeah. The heat. We have strict rules against eating the parade floats!"
Vendors lined the streets of the parade route, selling local delicacies out of carts. These included: steak and chips flavoured popcorn, chocolate covered bacon and deep fried butter. "See, it's a ball o' butter," said food cart entrepreneur Bob Flerkin. "And, I fry it up. Some people fancy it up with...flavourings and stuff like that there, but - butter! Fried! It's perfect just the way it is!"
In the afternoon there was a contest to see who could eat the most deep fried alligator burgers. Tourists thrilled to the competition, although locals just knew the event as lunch.
Emergency medical teams from six adjoining counties were on hand in case they were needed. But, as it happened, only 12 people had heart attacks during the parade, "And, four of them were from out of town!" Mayor Rutanga crowed. "That's actually a good day for the city!"
Although generally upbeat, Mayor Rutanga did express his disappointment that more fast food restaurant chains hadn't participated in the parade. "MacDonald's, Burger King, Pizza Hut, Taco Bell, we got ‘em all here in Falls of Sioux City, Nevada," he sniffed. "Considering how much they've already given to this town, I would have thought they would jump at the chance to celebrate with us!"
"We're not like that any more," said one executive for a chain he asked not to be named (although we can say about its jingle that we're lovin' it!), mopping his sweating brow with a handkerchief. "We've got salads now! We show the nutritional value of the food on our menus! What is Mayor Rutanga trying to do - kill our business?"
When first proposed to City Council a couple of years ago, the Festival of Cholesterol was to be named CholestFest. Unfortunately, somebody pointed out that that name could be confused with the annual ColleteFest, which happened two counties away. I mean, unfortunately, somebody pointed out, that name could be confused with the annual ColleteFest, which happened - you know. Either way, City Council didn't want City Falls on Sioux, Tennessee to be inundated with Gigi fans, so, even though the longer name meant spending more on banners, they decided to use it.
The City Council did remain firm on banning "Yo Momma" jokes during Cholesterol Fest, though. "First Amendment rights be damned!" Mayor Rutanga insisted. "Some things are just not funny."
Was the Festival of Cholesterol a success? City Council will not disclose the number of tourists it estimates was attracted to the city by the event, but one councilor did say that, "we had more visitors last weekend than flies on a cow carcass in the sweltering July sun!"
And, you know, once you get past the sickening sweetness of the confectionary, deep fried butter is actually pretty tasty.