by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer
Jennifer Flick's grandmother, Estrella Polito, went into Merciless General Hospital to have a wart removed on an undisclosed part of her anatomy. Three days later, she was dead
"She was 78 years old," explained Fiorello Dentata, the head of the Determining Electives And Total Health Panel at Merciless General. "Actuaries made it very clear to us that she wouldn't live much longer and, if she did, she wouldn't have a very good quality of life, by which they meant she would cost Medicare more money than the remainder of her life was worth. So, we did what any self-respecting hospital would do: we took her out back and stoned her."
"Really," Dentata added, "it's common practice at hospitals around the country, now."
"My wife is outraged," said Jeremy Flick, Jennifer Flick's husband. "She had heard of the medical Death Panels, of course, but she never thought they would kill her granny!"
Jennifer Flick stood next to her husband at her press conference at an undisclosed location; she was covered head to toe in a black hijab. She appeared to nod her head gently as he spoke, although that might be considered communication with the male journalists in the room which, under the strict Shariah law imposed on the country minutes after President Barack Obama was sworn into office, would make her liable to be put to death. Stoning is the preferred way, but, if a quarry is not conveniently available, death by firing squad, piling on or According to Jim marathon is also acceptable.
So, uhh, let's say I just imagined the whole head nodding thing.
"What my wife wants to know is this," Jeremy Flick stated: "why was her granny put to death when the medical system routinely allows illegal immigrants to have children in this country who cannot be denied citizenship even though they will grow up being taught to hate America and eventually become domestic terrorists? Is her granny - who was, after all, a Mormon - worth less than a baby suicide bomber?"
"Tha's no - hoo wah?" said D'Jon Mootar, president of Blacks Sticking It To Whitey, a non-prophet organization of racial empowerment and fun times. "No, no, no, no, no, no, no, tha's jus' no righ! S'no tha way it - ooh, shiny!"
Mootar was referring to the microphone I was using to tape the interview. He appeared to be high on some undisclosed substance, but, when I asked him about this, he told me it was "med'cine for ma allergies."
Blacks Sticking It To Whitey is a controversial group that was awarded $75 million under President Obama's Drastic Income Redistribution Programme, which saw taxes on the (wink wink, nod nod: white) middle class rise to 127% to pay for programmes to fund (nod nod, wink wink: black) urban organizations. What BSITW does, other than provide illicit substances for its executive is unclear, but, under President Obama, it sure has a lot of money to do it with.
"A lot of money," agreed radio talk show host Glenn Beck, broadcasting from an undisclosed location somewhere off the Atlantic coast. "We tried to warn you, people. We told you this would happen. But, did you listen? Ooh, it makes me so mad to think of it - grrrrrrrrr!"
Most pundits with an undisclosed political leaning were rounded up and sent to reeducation camps. Rush Limbaugh starved to death. Ann Coulter was considered cured and is now leading a productive life as a greeter at an abortion clinic. Charles Krauthammer was stoned to death. Andrew Breitbart is missing, believed irrelevant. Beck was on vacation in France when the round-up occurred, so he was spared.
"This is how it happens, America" Beck shrieked. "The President signs an Executive Order that guts the Second Amendment. Then, all private guns are confiscated. Then, when the Death Panels kill grandma, there's nothing you can do - there's no way to defend her."
"Okay," Jeremy Flick started, "we're getting back to the poin -"
"And, if you dare to speak out," Beck continued, "you can expect a visit from a Black Panther in the middle of the night to 'set you straight.' You thought the New Black Panthers was just a couple of crazy guys who are a threat mostly to themselves? They're actually President Obama's private army!"
"My, uhh, my wife doesn't know anything about that," Jeremy Flick stated, an undisclosed emotion dancing across his face. "She's just - she just doesn't understand what has happened to this country - her country. This is not the American she grew up in - she doesn't recognize it any more. And, she would like that country back."
But, of course, you can't go back. "Once you elect a racist, Nazi, communist, Islamo-fascist anarchist as President with a huge majority and give his party control of both houses of Congress," Beck railed, "you have to live with the consequences!"