by NANCY GONGLIKWANYEOHEEEEEEEH, Alternate Reality News Service Technology Writer
Once is an annoyance. Twice is an unfortunate coincidence. Seventeen times is technology advancing.
How often have you had the following conversation with your teenager:
YOU: Sweetie, we have to talk about your sophistry class grades/obsession with James Franco/pet aardvark.
TEENAGE OFFSPRING OF INDETERMINATE GENDER: Uhh...sure, parental unit. What about it/him/it?
YOU: It's just that, well, I'm a little concerned that -
SOUND: tinkling ring tone of Metallica's "Enter Sandman"/Celine Dion's "Et Je T'aime Encore"/Al Yankovic's "Eat It."
TOIG: Sorry - I have to take this.
Ten minutes later, TOIG is off the phone and you try again.
YOU: Honey, this is important.
TOIG: I know. And, you have my complete attention.
YOU: Good, because -
SOUND: ring tone.
TOIG: Excuse me.
YOU: Honey! We really have to talk!
TOIG: But, mom/dad/legal guardian! Brad has just been arrested for loitering with intent to hang out/Biff just got some Panama Red, and if I don't go over and share it with him right away, he'll smoke it all himself/Buckley's having a bad hair day!
You can wait it out, but you know that sooner or later you will throw your hands in the air in exasperation and say: "Fine! We'll talk about this later/tomorrow/when you're in your third year of college!" Then, you'll storm out of the room as the teenager grins triumphantly.
You have just been apped to fail. Teen Annoyance Reduction apped, to be exact.
The Teen Annoyance Reduction app, available for a wide variety of cellphones, monitors the immediate area to determine if one or more voices in a conversation contains patterns that indicate that the speaker is undergoing stress. When that happens, the app checks the stress level of the owner of the cellphone; if such indicators as heart rate and perspiration go over preset levels, the phone automatically rings.
Out of work actors are paid to be on the other end of the line. The actor-callers improvise emergency scenarios unique to each user based on a form they fill out when they first buy the app.
"This is no robocall," claimed Jericho Trudgman, CEO of software developer Cubed Eunix, creator of the TAR app. "This is an authentic fake emergency, complete with screaming, 27 emergency sound effects - everything from a police siren to a nuclear explosion - and, for a small additional fee, real tears!"
The TAR phone app was originally developed for the military. "Yeah, that didn't work out so well," Trudgman allowed. When it was field tested in Afghanistan, American casualty rates rose dramatically. "Apparently, insurgents will not stop attacking you because your wife is calling from the States because your son is choking because he just bit the head off a Lego Batman figure. Who knew?"
Not willing to give up on (their financial investment in) the project, the Pentagon ordered that it only be deployed in non-combat situations. This demoralized mid-ranking soldiers, especially Sergeants, whose profanity laced tirades were often cut short by phone calls about toilets blocked when children tried to flush the headless bodies of their Lego Batmans down them.
"The outcome of that decision wasn't much better," Trudgman admitted, "although fewer soldiers were killed as a result, so that's progress, right?"
The military decided to cut its losses and release the technology for civilian use, although it is rumoured that Generals still have cellphones with the TAR app that they deploy when they are called in to meetings with the President at the White House.
"Some technologies just don't have military applications," Trudgman accepted. "Still, the Pentagon's loss is every teenager's gain!"
Parents attempting to discipline their children may not be so enthusiastic about the TAR app. Serendipity Wentworth, spokesperson for the lobbying group The Usual Suspects Against Technology, said that this technology was bound to have a detrimental effect on parental authority.
"Okay, we were wrong about toaster ovens," Wentworth admitted. "We didn't have it quite right about AI-enhanced three speed blenders, either. And, we were pretty much lunched when it came to the World Wide Web, although, to be fair, it is a really complicated technology. There is no reason you should believe anything we say, except this time we're right!"
While he shares USAT's concern - having three children that he knows about and at least three that he doesn't - Trudgman pointed out that the technology cuts both ways. "Use it the next time your child asks for an advance on their allowance or to use the car. This will teach them a lesson in when technology use is inappropriate!
I tried to get my daughter Yancy's opinion on the new cellphone app, but we were interrupted by a call from her friend Darby, who was freaking out because it looked like the Orioles weren't going to make the playoffs this year. Perhaps I will be able to get Yancy's opinion for a follow-up article, but I suspect not...