by ELIAZAR ORPOISONEDHALLIWELL, Alternate Reality News Service Environment Writer
Billionaire industrialist Oliveras Saegebrecht lived larger than life, so it only makes sense that he would die that way.
"It's the damndest thing," said Cannondale Police Chief Regnus Boostrum. "Well, not the damndest thing. My Martha's braised broccoli with pork sauce and lentil integument is the damndest thing. Oh, and serial killers. They're all more damned than this case. Oh, and Officer Kowalski in a bikini - she should really be more selective about the pictures she puts on Facebook. Okay, it's a modestly damned thing at best. But, whatever its level of damnedness proves to be, it is interesting, nonetheless."
Saegebrecht's body was found in a field just outside of Cannondale, a suburb of Wensleydale, which just skirts Whaledale, a suburb of Oslo. He was wearing 19th century gentleman's attire, complete with monocle; he looked like a human Mr. Peanut. That was not, however, what made his death the moderately damndest thing Police Chief Boostrum claimed it to be.
Saegebrecht was buried beneath several tons of a black sooty substance which the police have positively identified as "carbon."
"You might have thought that the carbon would have asphyxiated him," explained Coroner Bompi Bautista, "but, it's the damndest thing: he was actually crushed to death when it all at once fell out of the sky on him." When we explained the ambiguity surrounding the phrase "the damndest thing," Coroner Bautista snorted, "I'm a doctor of medicine, dammit, not theology!"
Fair enough.
The carbon didn't fall in a block - it had a distinct pattern. People in planes flying overhead saw a grey foot on the ground below them that was about 40 feet long and 10 feet wide. "I thought it was some kind of advertisement for a remake of Attack of the 40 Foot Woman," said witness Indira Schmendrickson.
"I thought they were shooting a remake of Attack of the 40 Foot Woman," said witness Paul Begalat.
"I thought we were being attacked by a 40 foot woman," said witness Pindar Balatson. "I...I may have used the air bag next to my seat a little more than I usually do on a domestic flight..."
"That foot would be about a size a million!" Coroner Bautista marvelled, pointing at images of the carbon that had been posted to Flickr. "It's a Manolo Blahnik wet dream!" Seeing that nobody was laughing, he added: "Tough house. That line would have killed last night at Titters Comedy Club!"
"Do I have to say it?" famed Norwegian environmentalist and Roger Rabbit figurine collector Ollie "Olaf" Chula, asked. "I mean, isn't it obvious? Oliveras Saegebrecht was killed by his own carbon footprint!"
The term carbon footprint is a metaphor for how much carbon-producing energy a person consumes. Running a computer, for instance, would contribute a few flakes of skin on a carbon footprint the size of Saegebrecht's. Driving a car through rush hour traffic two hours a day could, over the course of a lifetime of commuting, contribute an entire big toe. Criss-crossing the planet in a private jet would contribute enough for the muscles and veins of the foot - what laypeople refer to as: "The yucky bits." Combining these and other acts of mass carbon consumption could, in theory, produce enough to create the footprint that killed Saegebrecht.
"Mother Earth used to target life forms indiscriminately," Chula explained. "An earthquake here, a typhoon there, if you got in the way - BLAM! Too bad for you. But, this...this targeting of a specific person... This was cold-blooded murder!"
"This...Mother Earth," Police Chief Boostrum asked, consulting his notepad, "you wouldn't happen to have an address for her, would you? Let me be clear: she's not a suspect. She's just a...literary metaphor of interest."
"I'm sorry, but I don't believe in literalized literary metaphors," Coroner Bautista cavilled. Who did he think was responsible for Saegebrecht's death? "Billionaires collect enemies like environmentalists collect obscure cartoon character figurines! Maybe it was a...a...maybe some coal company, sick of carbon capture technology, decided to dump everything it had in one step and...and Saegebrecht just happened to get in the way!"
"I can understand why authorities would be reluctant to name Mother Earth as the culprit," Chula said. "If they tried to arrest her, what would they put the handcuffs on?"
Could other billionaires be in danger? Police Chief Boostrum told us that he had been in touch with Interpol, who, on the basis of his investigation, put out a worldwide alert warning billionaires not to spend time in large fields dressed as Mr. Peanut.
"I wanted the alert to refer to any cartoon product mascot," Police Chief Boostrum commented, "but Interpol thought that was premature."
The investigation continues.