by FREDERICA VON McTOAST-HYPHEN, Alternate Reality News Service Pop Culture Writer
We've all had it happen to us at one time or another. That brat in junior high school who was oh so perfect in everything she did and everybody loved her and everybody's mother loved her and you couldn't have a sleepover because your mother couldn't understand why you didn't invite her even though you repeatedly told your mother how she stole your boyfriend in grade five, grade six and grade seven just because she liked his eyes and, sure, they were great eyes, but it still didn't seem fair and and oh - oh! - wouldn't you kill for the kind of attention she got but you know you wouldn't, really, because just last year she got divorced and gained 50 pounds and - shh, don't spread it around - is probably drinking a little more than is good for her, if you know what I mean, and her daughter sleeps around and her son is a drummer with a cover band of a group that was never really all that popular to begin with and you know you should feel sorry for her, but instead you're thrilled, just thrilled, I tell you, that she finally got her comeuppance because anybody who is given that much attention at such a young age is bound to fall in later life, totally deserves to fall in later life, in fact, and
Not that I speak from experience.
This is schadenfreude. And, despite years of being told you should feel guilty about enjoying the misery of others, it can actually have benefits for you.
"It surprised the hell out of me," said Dr. Sooki Turner-Ovary, professor of Steam-on Applied Psychology at Gabba Gabba Hayes University in Tulsa and creator of the Scarberia Schadenfreude Diet. "But, surprise is how fortunes are made, I guess."
According to Turner-Ovary, feeling schadenfreude activates the striatum - no, that's not an Olympic event, it's actually - one of the pleasure centres of the brain. Another activity that activates the striatum - it does sound like it should be an Olympic event, though, doesn't it? - is eating. When he realized the connection, the proverbial light bulb went off over Turner-Ovary's head.
"Actually, it was a literal light bulb," Turner-Ovary corrected us. "The campus had been blacked out for four hours thanks to a squirrel that got into the transformer junction thingie. Sorry for the technical term, but you get the idea."
If schadenfreude activates the same pleasure centre as food, Turner-Ovary reasoned, then it can be used to replace food. Thus, the first volume in what would become a series of self-help books, seminars and children's drinking cups that has come to be known as the Scarberia Schadenfreude Diet was born.
"The next time you feel like reaching for a cupcake," Turner-Ovary wrote in the book that stayed at #1 on the New York Times non-fiction health and spirituality books that feature a CAT scan of a cat's brain on the cover and were not written by Deepak Chopra list for over three years, "reach for the National Enquirer instead. If you have the urge to binge on cake, binge on the Celebrity Divorce and Homemaking Tips Web site. This will give you similar pleasure with none of the calories!"
Turner-Ovary's conclusions were backed by many hours of research. In one experiment, a group of pregnant women smokers between the ages of 34 and 87 were fed a steady diet of Desperate Housewives of Schenectady for 12 straight days and apple juice. At the end of the experiment, several of the women had to be admitted to hospital because of rapid weight loss, even though they insisted they weren't hungry.
Another experiment was so extreme Gabba Gabba Hayes University refuses to release the results, although there are rumours that Eli Roth will make it the basis of his next film.
Despite this strong basis in science, the Scarberia Schadenfreude Diet may have gotten lost amid all of the fad diets and...other fad diets if not for Joy Behar mentioning it on The View. "I had felt schadenfreude since I was three," she commented on the show, "but I never realized that I could make it work for me until I read Doctor Turner-Ovary's book!"
From, there, it was just a short step, two hops and not quite a running jump, more like a trotting leap to Oprah and an empire of Schadenfreude Diet Consultant stands in shopping malls across the country (and some parts of Missouri).
"I am humbled by my success," Turner-Ovary commented.
But, is he? Is he, really? Rumours of extravagant spending - including a solid gold marble staircase in his home - have dogged Turner-Ovary since his big break. In addition, Turner-Ovary has been accused of fudging his data, plagiarism and transporting baseball cards worth over $10,000 into the country without notifying the government.
"He doesn't seem to be adjusting too well to success," Behar commented with a delighted shiver.
"I...I cannot respond to any of the allegations," Turner-Ovary responded. "If I became the subject of other people's schadenfreude, how would I be able to objectively continue my research?"