Chief Intake Officer for a group of superheroes. Probably something else. Probably something else on top of that. Born: well, she must have been, right, or I wouldn't be writing about her. Died: well, again, she must have or I wouldn't be writing a remembrance of her. Really! This introductory information really is redundant when you think about it, don't you think?
"I remember the first time I saw the headquarters of the League of Super Gentlemen. Yes, that's right: Gentlemen. This was before they had to acknowledge reality and add Gentlewomen to their name, before a court order forced them to add GentleMartians to their name, before a mysterious force that nobody has quite adequately explained had them all agreeing to add Gentle12DimensionalBeings to their name and before GentleZanthrappians added itself, by which point nobody cared enough anymore to challenge its existence in the group's name. Yes, this was a long time ago.
"Wait, what was I - oh, yes. Looking at the 12 story building carved out of a diamond stolen from the heart of a distant sun and only partially revealing itself in this dimension (it was a building with many facets, you see) that was the home of the League of Super Gentlemen (and later Gentlewomen, GentleMartians, Gentle12DimensionalBeings, GentleZanthrappians and GentleCyborgs - GentleCyborgs? When did that - okay, yeah, whatever), I felt...emotions. I mean, I must have. It was one hell of an imposing structure. Not the sort of thing a girl from Brampton could look upon and feel nothing, right? I must have been...awed or something.
"Did I mention that this was a long time ago?"
Thus begins Super Normal: My Life Working With the League of Super Gentlemen, Gentlewomen, GentleMartians, Gentle12DimensionalBeings, GentleZanthrappians, GentleCyborgs and GentleFaery Folk, the autobiography (with Alan Dean Foster) of Implausible Feisengrad. Feisengrad was, as she explained, "Chief Intake Officer for the League of Super Gentlemen (and GentleOthers) for the better part of 50 years (and some of the less savoury parts, as well). In that time, I have seen the nature of heroism change, change just a heck of a lot, and I thought I would share my observations with the world."
Just how did the nature of heroism change? "I remember, one time, the Human Ant Factory got his tights mixed up with the Granite Avenger. That was awkward! After the funeral, the horseplay at the headquarters was much more subdued, I can tell -"
No, wait, that wasn't the right quote. Hold on. Okay, about the nature of heroism, Feisengrad wrote: "Officially, officially, interoffice relationships were forbidden. But, of course, they happened with alarming frequency. How could they not? When you have just beaten The Galactic Sand Crab and saved the universe from annihilation, how do you cope with a body full of adrenaline? That's a high that lasts for days! Of course, superheroes rut like rabbits. As Captain Insensible once told m -"
No, that's not it, either. Hey! - don't look at the article like that! Have you ever tried reading Super Normal? The damn book is 437 pages of lugubrious prose that is mostly made up of anecdotes that go nowhere and mean nothing! There's a reason the book is out of print and I had to find it on Amazing.com, although, on the plus side, the book was only $1.99 - it cost more to ship it by air so I could make this article's deadline than the book was worth! Give me a break! After all, I read the book so you didn't have to.
Okay, one more stab at this heroism thing: "When FantasticMan the Charmer first asked me to work with the League of Super...with the League, it was made up of perfect human beings whose only mission was to protect the universe from evil scourges. But, over the years, the heroes changed, became rougher, developed personality defects that were as much a threat to the universe as the evil scourges.
"Beauty Boy was an attention-grabbing narcissist whose 'time outs' to talk to journalists often got in the way of fighting evil scourges. The Slim Weeper's unexpected trips to the bathroom during battles were the source of rumours at League headquarters for years. And, of course, everybody knew that Grrrr'phragen'dosz, the envoy from the 12th Dimension, had a drinking problem. But, whenever anybody tried to talk to Grrrr'phragen'dosz about it, atoms started mysteriously disappearing from key components of office furniture. Everybody agreed that it would be for the best to let Grrrr'phragen'dosz be."
How can you sum up a life in less than 1,000 words? You can't. So, this will have to do.
Fellini McSilurbian
Fellini McSilurbian did not know Implausible Feisengrad. Truth be told, McSilurbian did not know Feisengrad even existed until last week, when Brenda Brundtland-Govanni asked him to write a few words on her passing. But, what the hell? In these times of economic uncertainty and universal brouhaha, a paycheck is a paycheck. Are you with me? A paycheck is a...is a...okay, yeah, whatever.