Thank you, Emlen Tzuwang, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we were told that there was "virtually no wait" at Pearson International Airport after airport screeners agreed to end a work to rule action. Of course, when they say "virtually no wait," they mean, "the usual two hour wait." Thanks for clearing that up for us.
Enjoy,Quick Wit And Knowing His Way Around A Whiskey Sour
In the wake of emails that indicate that he had too much influence on the American State Department's oversight of the Keystone XL project, Paul Elliott, lobbyist for TransCanada Corporation, responded that getting approved is so complex that "it's hard to see how...one person might be able to influence this process. That's not realistic."
In response to Elliott's response, TransCanada put out a press release that said, "WHAT? You don't see how you might be able to influence the process? WHAT THE HELL ARE WE PAYING YOU FOR, THEN?"
SOURCE: The Postington Wash
[http://www.postingtonwash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A52078-2011Oct04.html]
more
But...Craziness IS His Brand!
Comedian Russell Brand has tweeted that he couldn't get into Canada to honour his commitment to perform at Casino Rama because weasels got into the cockpit of his plane and wreaked havoc on the flight crew, forcing an out of work dental hygienist to make an emergency landing in Muncie.
"I was thinking of going with a lame excuse like Canadian Customs wouldn't let me through the border," Brand said. "But, I thought, 'Well, if I'm going to make up shit, at least it should be entertaining!'"
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now, Canada!
[http://www.canada.com/globulltv/globullshows/ern_canada.html]
more
Mister Christie, You're A Smart Cookie!
Chris Christie woke up this morning. Republicans who asked not to be described as fundraisers insisted that this proves that he plans on jumping into the race for the party's presidential nomination.
When Christie argued that he had no intention of running, the anonymous sources said, "Oh, really? Then, why did he bother getting out of bed?"
SOURCE: USA Whenever
[http://www.usawhenever.com/news/newyork/2011-10-03-wtc-lawsuit_x.htm]
more
Science Fiction LOLCats: Howlin' Ellison
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
more
Putin On The Ritz
Rumours are swirling in Moscow that Vladimir Putin will not only return as Russian President next year, but that he will remain in the post until at least 2411.
"I wouldn't put it past him," said Russian man on the street (because he has no job, or, for that matter, home) Dmitri Gonchabunchaconchavov. "I mean, have you ever seen Putin wrestle a bear on a waterski? Death wouldn't dare come for him - it just wouldn't dare!"
SOURCE: Daily Semaphore
[http://www.opinion.semaphore.co.uk/opinion/main.jhtml;sessionid=M5UF23LWOLFFPQFIQMFSM5WAVCBQ0JVC?nextPage=/DUereDE/wXeR.WZvwF?7wF~/DUereDE/s119/Os/14/JD141O.7wF!2qZiiv~/DUeReDR/s119/
Os/14/e7DUeReDR.ZvwF!2iG3gimmygi2Z~vg3i&resize=null&_requestid=22222]
more
It Was A Dirty Jobs, But Somebody Had To Do It
Computer pioneer Steve Jobs, who had long been suffering from pancreatic cancer, has died at the age of 56. Long after the Garden of Eden, Jobs may have finally made Apples respectable.
SOURCE: Obits 'R Us
[http://www.king.ids.net/~bdlm/obits_r_us.html]
more
Sex Education Begins In The Home...No, Wait, That Didn't Come Out Right...
Ontario Conservatives believe that the Province's Liberals are corrupting children with sex education curricula that treats homosexuality as though it is not an abomination in the eyes of man and god. But, they cannot come out and say so without being accused of homophobia (gays are sooooo sensitive), so they've had to argue against sex education generally.
"When we were young," said Conservative Party leader Tim Hudak, "we were completely ignorant about sex. I mean, I didn't know my 'Walking the Elephant' from a simple 'The Bell and the Bible.' And, look at how well I turned out! Now, you're going to hear people say that children should not grow up ignorant of basic, age-appropriate ideas about human sexuality. Well, I say, the appropriate age at which to begin talking about sex is 37!"
SOURCE: Toronto Stunned
[http://www.canoodle.com/NewsStand/TorontoStunned/News/2011/09/28/506737.html]
more
Coach's Carnage
Don Cherry has defended remarks he made on Hockey Night in Canada that if NHL players don't retire with crushed frontal lobes and at least 37 per cent of their brains turned to mush, they're pussies who might as well have been playing for Sweden's national hockey team. "Rrowf row ultimate fighting bark bark bark - European sissy bopys grrr! Grrr! Grrr!" Cherry snarled. "And, anybody who disagrees - grrrr! - isn't a true Canadian!"
Host Ron MacLean responded to the comments by saying, "Please don't hurt me, Don, I...I...I agree with everything you say, whatever it is! Can I...can I have my legs back now, please?"
Kirstine Stewart, the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation's vice president of English services, said, "Who's the Commie pinko broadcaster now? Hunh? Hunh? Redneck enough for you? Eh? Eh?"
SOURCE: The Schwartz Sports Report
[http://www.schwartzsportsreport.com/ssr-news.shtml#50468103875]
more
Once The Llamas Get Into The Air Ducts, You May As Well Look For A New Office
11 things you probably shouldn't ask your boss:
1. Would you say your management style is more like Michael Scott from The Office or the pointy haired boss from Dilbert?SOURCE: The Web Page of Lists
[http://www.ListsPage.argh/2011/September/Job_Security.asp]
more
Killing Us Microsoftly
RE: Account Updates Alert !!!?
From: Windows MicrosoftTM Center (osogane8@hotmail.com)Dear Account User,
I wonder if you could settle a bet for me.
I have a friend who believes that nobody could be so stupid as to fall for a phishing scheme that claimed to be from Microsoft. He thinks that people are Web savvy enough to recognize that the return address on this email does not actually come from the Microsoft domain, and that, as a result, they will immediately delete it from their inbox.
I have much more faith in human stupidity than my friend does. I have no doubt that some people will still give out personal information to complete strangers who will then use it to steal their identities. Even after they have been warned by Internet security companies. Even after I have told them very openly that that is what I intend to do.
So, please, fill out the information below and send it to me by return email. By doing so, you will be affirming my faith in humanity.
* User-name :Warning!!! Account owner that fails to verify his/her account after two weeks of receiving this warning will lose his or her account permanently.
Sincerely,SOURCE: The Smoking Gut
[http://www.thesmokinggut.com/archive/108096382861023470563-7946374864826327230173072840-47341cahs01.html]
more
