Thank you, Ashleigh Dumpster, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, he's dead! He's dead! The wicked witch is dead! W00t! W00t! W00t! Ha ha! Take that, you miserable tyrant bastard! DEAD! DEAD! DEAD! A bloody smear on the streets of Sirte - the end of his reign of terror is now a dead Sirte! Ha ha! Oh, goody, goody, goody! Trials are for suckers - a bullet to the back of the head is all a petty despot deserves. DEAD! DEAD! DEAD! Moammar Ghaddafi is DEAD!
Now what?
Enjoy,The Fact That All Of The Science Fair Projects Involved Dioramas Of Aborted Fetuses Should Have Been A Clue That Something Was Afoot
David Hood, principal of Christ the King primary school, is on paid leave after allegedly telling students that they could get credit for a required 10 hours of community service by attending an international anti-abortion rally.
"He's new," Robert Praznik, director of education for the Archdiocese of Winnipeg Catholic Schools, stated. "He didn't realize that our policy is not to involve students in political activities...when there's a good chance that the media will report negatively on it."
SOURCE: Vancouver Stunned
[http://www.canoodle.com/NewsStand/VancouverStunned/News/2011/10/20/503747.html]
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Time, For A Change
An actress is suing god for making time pass the way it does in our universe.
"I'm 40 years old," the woman, who is named Jane Doe in the lawsuit, but who lives in Texas, is of Asian descent, has two cats named Janet Doone and Jennifer Dale, prefers her vibrator, Jonathan D'oh, to her current lover, reads The Wall Street Journal for the pictures, would not refuse a glass of wine if it was offered to her by a man with kindly eyes and wishes Pan Am had lasted a few more episodes because she loved the uniforms. "I'm no longer getting the ingenue roles, but the few roles for women my actual age are being taken by Meryl Streep. All of them. If time had actually run at about half the speed that it does, my career could have lasted another 20 years!"
God, as usual, was unavailable for comment.
SOURCE: Alternate Reality News Service
[http://www.arns.com/sinbin?id=32322641314641314687fx]
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SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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Or If He Didn't Keep Saying "Well Played" As He Lay On His Back
I would be much more willing to believe in the image of President Obama being like Charlie Brown wanting to kick the football if he didn't wait until it had been pulled away from him before he started to run towards it.
SOURCE: The Quick and the Detwiler
[http://quick&detwiler.blogspot.com/]
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And, They Wonder Why So Many Canadians Are Buying Japanese Cars!
One game into its first season, the Toronto Triumph of the Lingerie Football League has lost by a score of 48 to 14, released four players to improve the team's performance and had its star, Krista Ford, quit in protest.
"And, with all those problems, they're still having a better year than we are," said Toronto city councillor and Krista's father Doug Ford.
SOURCE: The Schwartz Sports Report
[http://www.schwartzsportsreport.com/ssr-news.shtml#16237443623]
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They Wanna Be Adored...Again...
Singer Ian Brown has announced that the Madchester band The Stone Roses will be reuniting. Let's hope they're looking for fool's gold...
SOURCE: LotsMusic
[http://www.lotsmusic.com/news/?thedate=10/18/2011#3]
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You...Might Want To Let The Press Office Air Out A Bit Before You Go In...
About half of the Toronto Transit Commission's workforce will soon be subjected to random drug and alcohol testing as a deterrent to substance abuse that city councillors on the TTC board believe will improve public safety.
"This does not - hic - violate anybody's civic - civet - trivet - hic - this does not violate anybody's trivet rights," insisted TTC spokesman Brad Ross, who seemed to be unsteadily holding on to the podium to keep from falling over. "And, anyway, anyway, any way, public safety is...blagh!...public safety is...urp!...pubic satedy I - excuse me, but I gotta - gotta -"
Then, Ross ran to the nearest bathroom.
SOURCE: The Matrixxx
[http://www.thematrixxxto.com/news/local/double-the-standards-double-the-fun/]
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Cancer Sleeps A Little More Soundly Tonight
Oncologist/comedian Robert Buckman, who was named Canada's Humanist of the Year in 1994, has died in his sleep at the age of 63. I guess now he'll find out if the joke is on him.
SOURCE: Obits 'R Us
[http://www.king.ids.net/~bdlm/obits_r_us.html]
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Recording Rap Music Is Thirsty Work
The Pusher, 2011 Stylee
I am thinkingSOURCE: Poetry, Cornered
[http://www.cibc.com/ca/personal/poetrycorner/581.html]
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The Collateral Damage In A Decatur Suburb Would Be Minimal
The Pentagon has cheered the death of Mitch Al-Habibi, who was killed in a drone strike in his suburban Decatur home.
"We...we aren't really sure why the President authorized the strike," admitted General Otis "Four Finger" Regrettes. "But, we can only assume that this...Mitch fella was a bad man. A very bad man."
"This Mitch fella was a bad man. A very bad man," President Henry "Photogenic" Albom told the press. "Anything that you may have heard about him banging my wife before we were married is irrelevant to why I had his neighbourhood bombed. And, anyway, it's all just rumours - nobody can prove anything."
SOURCE: Cleveland Wheeler Dealer
[http://www.cleveland.ca/enter/index.ssf?/news/wheelerdealer/index.ssf%3fu/base/news/1926749884263472.xml]
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