Thank you, Saoirse McGarrigle Wexford, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we would like to apologize to Ms. Schweddy P. Balls, of the northern Connecticut and the difficult to get to parts of Alaska Balls. Last week, we praised her for being a Ben & Jerry's ice cream flavour. Apparently, she is not a Ben & Jerry's ice cream flavour. She is actually a paper auto body heiress. As soon as we stop laughing, we're sure we'll really regret the error.
Enjoy,Your Tax Dollars Inaction
The Harper Government (formerly the Government of Canada) is rumoured to be planning on dropping out of the Kyoto Accord just as soon as the Durban round of talks is completed. Prime Minister Harper assures Canadians that his government does have a bold, visionary, multi-faceted, long-term plan for dealing with the environment. It's prominent features include:SOURCE: Canadian Depress
[http://www.cd.org/english/notforyou.htm]
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Hollywood producer Scott Rudin has banned New Yorker film critic David Denby from future screenings of his studio's movies because Denby published a review of The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo a week before the end of an embargo.
This makes sense. After all, nobody in the United States would have seen the original Swedish version of the film in a theatre. Or, on TV. Or, on the Internet. Or, for that matter, have seen either of the movie's Swedish sequels. Or, have read the books the films were based on.
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now
[http://www.entertainmentrightnow.com/mini/smug2011/2011/12/08/idontmeantoberudinbut/]
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Irony Is A Hot Commodity In Even The Most Bearish Markets
Herman Cain has dropped out of the race for the Republican nomination for President after the revelation that he had a 13 year affair with a woman who was not his wife. Much of his support has flowed to New Gingrich, a man whose current wife is the woman he had a six year affair with before he divorced his previous wife while she was in the hospital fighting for her life from cancer.
The Absurd Ironyometer vowed to ask its Rabbi about family values, because it finds the concept increasingly confusing.
Before it could do that, however, to mark the anniversary of the shooting deaths at Montreal's Ecole Polytechnique in 1989, the Harper government of Canada gave third reading to a bill that would eliminate the long gun registry, making it easier to get access to guns like the one used in the shooting.
The Absurd Ironyometer decided to check the best before dates on the cans of food in its bomb shelter. It figured that it should probably wait for a bit, though, since ironic news always comes in thre
Then, State Department spokeswoman Victoria Nuland said that the United States supported the right to peaceful protest in Russia as it does "anywhere in the world." "Our expectation is that if there are protests, that they will be peaceful and that they will be allowed to proceed peacefully," she said, as police conducted mopping up operations at peaceful protest sites across the US.
The Absurd Ironyometer didn't know if it should feel proud of, ashamed of or let's never speak of this again horrified by its cynicism.
SOURCE: Big Alex' Domesday Countdown Page
[http://www.allaboutalex.wha/Domesday/new]
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I'd Be Wary Of The Punchline If I Were You
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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It's Funny Because It's Troupe
The Life Cycle of a Comedy Troupe
SEA TURTLE. The troupe burns brightly for a long period of time. No, seriously. Despite ups and downs and changes in membership, the troupe manages to maintain a high quality of work. EXAMPLE: The Daily Show.
FUNGUS. The troupe burns brightly for a short period of time, after which the original members are replaced, the quality of the work slowly degenerating over a sometimes lengthy period of time. EXAMPLE: Saturday Night Live.
FRUITFLY. The troupe burns brightly for a short period of time, after which the members disperse, working on projects that are never quite as well received as the troupe's original work. EXAMPLE: Monty Python's Flying Circus.
MUSHROOM. The troupe toils in relative obscurity and, once its run is over, it is quickly forgotten. Often, cast members go on to do better (and better known) work. EXAMPLE: Fridays!
SOURCE: Entertainment For Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/entertainmentfordummies/home.asp?did=532&dir=bb]
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If You Did Not Answer Yes To Any Of The Questions, You Are A Lazy Hippie Who Needs To Get A Job!
Thanks to the Occupy [INSERT GEOGRAPHIC AREA HERE] movement, many people have been introduced to the concept of the one per cent for the first time. What is the one per cent? You may be part of it and not even know! To help determine if you are a member of the one per cent, simply answer the following questions.
1. When your children are fighting over the last piece of possum pie, do you ask Secretary of State Hillary Clinton to adjudicate the dispute?
2. When your son wants a toy that is sold out in local stores, do you send your private jet to the factory in China where it is made to pick one up for him?
3. When you get into a minor traffic accident, do you put together a legal team headed by Alan Dershowitz to deal with it, then change your mind and call the Mayor to ask him to make it go away?
4. When you lose $100 in the stock market, do you tell the company you are CEO of to lay off 100 people?
5. When your daughter comes home crying and tells you that she is being bullied at her private school, do you tell her that life is cruel but she needs to suck it up because graduating there is the only way she'll get into a good college and, if she can just keep her grades up until her next birthday, you'll get her a unicorn?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, you are part of the one per cent. Congratulations. At any time, please feel free not to feel guilty about the suffering your exploitation has caused everybody else.
SOURCE: Ferbs
[http://www.ferbs.com/sites/hosannabearsling/2011/12/07/fun-with-math/]
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