Thank you, Alf Wiedersehen, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, to celebrate International Women's Day, Wisconsin State Senator Glenn Grothman (a Republican - what else?), moved to amend existing state law by "requiring the Child Abuse and Neglect Prevention Board to emphasize nonmarital parenthood as a contributing factor to child abuse and neglect." Because nothing tells women how much we appreciate them more than demanding that they stay with abusive partners because we're too cheap to give them the resources to raise children properly on their own.
Enjoy,The Bag Of Crazy Is A Meritocracy: Not Everybody Is Allowed In - You Have To Work Hard To Earn Your Place!
Okay, emailing racist jokes to a few of your closest friends about the president that equate interracial sex with bestiality isn't enough to get you into the Bag of Crazy. Racist? By definition. Tacky? Hell, yes. Crazy? Not by current definitions. Especially those that can be applied to Republicans.
But, acknowledging it was racist and then claiming that you weren't being racist when you forwarded it to others? Bush appointed Chief Federal District Court judge in Montana Richard Cebull, welcome to the Bag of Crazy. I hope you brought a toothbrush and pyjamas, because I suspect you're going to be here a while.
SOURCE: Karl's Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism
[http://www.bigred.commie/articles/218^.htm]
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JASON KENNEY: Over a million immigration applications are waiting to be assessed. This is intolerable. So, I am considering legislation that would reset the system by eliminating all of the current applications. In this crisis, all measures should be considered on the table.
BOB RAE: How about increasing funding to Citizenship and Immigration Canada to get enough inspectors to deal with the backlog?
KENNEY: Except that one.
SOURCE: Drew's Transcript-o-rama
[http://www.transcript-o-rama.com/notsoimmigrate.shtml]
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Pretzel Logic May Be Kosher - It Depends Upon Whether It's Been Blessed By A Rabbi
President Barack Obama met with Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu amid rumours that Israel was planning on attacking the Brussels offices of Amnesty International. "Amnesty International's reports make Israel look bad," Netanyahu told journalists before the meeting, "and we cannot tolerate anything that delegitimizes our very legitimate country!"
"Israel is a shining beacon of light in a cruel and dark universe," Obama started the ritual response. "Still, I kind of like Belgium - they make great cheese. And, goats. Wonderful goats. It would be too bad if Israel and Amnesty International couldn't find a diplomatic solution to their problems."
SOURCE: Daily Semaphore
[http://www.opinion.semaphore.co.uk/opinion/main.jhtml;sessionid=M5UF23LWOLFFPQFIQMFSM5WAHQLQ0JVC?nextPage=/DUereDE/wXeR.WZvwF?7wF~/DUereDE/s118/Os/14/JD141O.7wF!2qZiiv~/
DUeReDR/s120/Os/14/e7DUeReDR.ZvwF!2iG3gimmynevrgits2Z~vg3i&resize=null&_requestid=24716]
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People have asked me how I feel about the announcement of a comic book Dr. Who cross-over with Star Trek: The Next Generation. MAKE IT NOT SO!
SOURCE: Geekly News & World Report
[http://www.geeklynews.com/geeklynews/issue/022712/geeklynews/01geronimohno.htm]
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The Right Causes Its Followers To Drool By Ringing A Bell
6pm. CBS. CBS Evening News. A recently discovered seventeen year-old video shows Barack Obama hugging radical Derrick Bell. How out of touch with mainstream America does this make the President?
7pm. Syfy. Newsbreak. Barack Obama said we should "open [our] hearts, open [our] minds to the words of Derrick Bell." Can we trust a President who has such high regard for such a little known science fiction writer? But, be honest: don't we all have high regard for little known science fiction writers?
8pm. CNBC. The Ed Show. David Korn and Reverend Al Sharpton argue about who finds the Obama tape more trivial.
9pm. CNN. Piers Morgan Tonight. Dana Loesch, of Andrew Breitbart's Big Journalism Web site, and Buzzfeed's Ben Smith bicker over who got the video of Obama first. Then, they complain that it isn't getting any attention from the mainstream media.
SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide
[http://www.tvguide.ua/listings/index.asp?referrerID=0&returnurl=%2Flistings%2Findex%2Easp%3F®Mode=0]
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Detention Diary: Don't Bogart That Cockroach, My Friend
WEEK ELEVEN
"Why don't they believe I don't know Oakie in Roanokie?" I asked.
"Oskar Ibn Rachim?" the cockroach responded.
"Sure."
"You must have done something to arouse their suspicions."
"I'm an advertising executive."
"Right. They must be insane."
I was pacing the length of my cell, which made the cockroach nervous because, not being allowed on the cot or the table, my feet came very close to it. Cockroaches, I surmised, must have a genetic memory of being squashed by shoes. Putting myself in its position, I could understand how big and threatening I must loo -
I caught myself putting myself in the position of a cockroach. This was not something I grew up imagining I would ever do.
"I've got a steady job, a beautiful wife and boxed sets of the first five seasons of True Blood!" I protested. "Lives don't get more normal than mine! My golf handicap is in single digits and I eat high fibre cereal for breakfast to keep my system clean. I didn't vote in the last election - I just agree with the opinion of whoever I'm talking to in order to avoid an argument. I've been to Disneyland four times! Sure, sometimes I toke up, but that's only because I'm allergic to hops! I read The Wall Street Journal - but only for the pictures. The worst thing anybody could say about me was that I have a secret love of curling! What could anybody possibly imagine I did that was wrong?"
"Maybe it was something you said?" the cockroach mused.
"I talk about 'share of mindspace' and 'decreasing your cost per thousand pairs of sticky eyeballs' and 'dynamic brand placement synergies!'" I insisted. In retrospect, how high my voice was getting should have clued me in to what was about to happen. "Half the time, even I don't know what I'm talking about, and I'm a professional! What could I possibly have said that got me here?"
"I don't know," the cockroach allowed. "All I know is, you must have done something to get the attention of the government, because they don't bring people here for noth -"
* CRUNCH *
I waited for several seconds for the cockroach to finish its thought. When it became apparent that that wasn't going to happen, I thought, Oh, great! How am I ever going to get that off the sole of my shoe!
SOURCE: Harpo's
[http://harpos.org/archive/2012/03/18/dd-9000011]
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There's Nothing Like Losing Advertisers To Really Focus The Mind
Okay, so, Rush Limbaugh has apologized to Sandra Fluke for his remarks about her, saying, "For over 20 years, I have illustrated the absurd with absurdity, three hours a day, five days a week. In this instance, I chose the wrong words in my analogy of the situation. I did not mean a personal attack on Ms. Fluke... My choice of words was not the best, and in the attempt to be humorous, I created a national stir. I sincerely apologize to Ms. Fluke for the insulting word choices."
Yes. Absolutely. It was Limbaugh's choice of words that was the problem. If only he had called Fluke a harlot instead of a prostitute, there would have been no problem. Tart would have been far less offensive. Slattern would also have worked. I am partial to the word trollop, but that may just be my Victorian upbringing. And, of course, his words wouldn't have been offensive at all if he had just called Ms. Fluke a "woman of pleasure."
Personally, I think Limbaugh is a vile piece of shit. But, if those words offend him, I would be happy to use nasty piece of feces, ugly bit of ordure or rank piece of stool.
It's not like changing my words would actually change the sentiment I was trying to express.
SOURCE: Womyn's e-Vents
[http://www.womynsevents.fem/article.cfm/dyn/aid/1187]
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Defying The Laws Of Physics As We Currently Understand Them
Egyptian lawmaker Anwar al-Balkimy has resigned from Parliament after lying to cover up a nose job, claiming his heavily bandaged face was the result of a carjacking and beating. Members of his party, Al-Nour, follow a strict interpretation of Islam that forbids cosmetic surgery.
This is the first known instance of a politician whose nose grew and shrank at exactly the same time.
SOURCE: The Arad Post
[http://www.apost.com/servlet/Satellite?pagename=APost/APArticle/ShowFull&cid=1248850587325]
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