The Daily Me - Izzy Iskandariya

Thank you, Izzy Iskandariya, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, Mitt Romney's Presidential campaign got a - well, if not a boost, exactly, certainly a vertical shove - when he was endorsed by former President George H. W. Bush and former Florida Governor Jeb Bush. You know - the Bushes who actually pay attention to what's going on in the world...

Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff

I Don't Know That I Want To Read The Toonie Arcade Web Comic

In its recent budget, the Canadian government announced that it will be phasing out the penny. This will have devastating effects on the language.

We will now have to ask others: "A nickel for your thoughts?" Misers will be described as "dime pinchers." Their behaviour will often be "quarter wise, pound foolish." Cheap magazines will be "loonie dreadfuls." And, so on.

One would have thought a Conservative government would have been more concerned about conserving our linguistic heritage.

SOURCE: Glob and Maul

[http://www.globandmaul.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20120328.eladvote0328_@/BNStory/newsWordCoinage2012/]
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The Republican Horse Racism Heats Up

one for the books) American Presidential hopeful Rick Santorum once said that he didn't want to "make blah people's lives better by giving them somebody else's money." What did he mean by "blah people?" a) accountants (Santorum is a secret professionist)
b) oh, you know: people who decorate their home in 27 different shades of beige and think an exciting evening's entertainment is staying at home and watching a Who's the Boss? marathon
c) he actually meant to say "blonde people," but he was momentarily overcome by a Boston accent
d) blah people - riiiiiiight...

 two strange to be true) More recently, Santorum said: "We know - we know the candidate Barack Obama, what he was like: anti-war, government nig - uhh, the, uhh, the - America was a source for division around the world." He claims that he wasn't calling the President a nigger. What could he have been calling the President? a) a government enigma
b) a government niqab wearer (although this wouldn't be without its own problems...)
c) a government nigfilloppsist (it's a compliment in the language of Tralfamadore)
d) you don't seriously believe any of this, do you?

my three stunneds) Why does anybody take this racist Neanderthal seriously? a) his racist Neanderthal base is surprisingly large
b) this is just another reminder of how great the American political system is! In a country with such a diverse population, they are still able to make room in electoral politics for an extinct branch of human evolution!
c) to for as long as possible put off the moment that they'll have to focus on Mitt Romney (talk about a blah people!)
d) that's what I would like to know!

SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles

[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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That's Good To Hear, Because, You Know, The Description Made It Sound Really Boring

Being Elmo. Starring John Cusak. Directed by Constance A. Marks. A puppeteer who dreams of being an office worker finds a door in the back of his theatre that allows people to enter the mind of the muppet Elmo for one hour. Stranger than it sounds.

SOURCE: Imaginary Movie Database

[http://www.imd.com/title/tt2198323/]
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Denial Ain't Just A Computer Network Attack In Egypt

Several parts of the Toronto Startle dysfunctional family of websites, including the flagship thestartle.com, were down for much of Thursday afternoon and Friday morning, but this wasn't because we had suffered a denial of service attack.

We were just...celebrating Earth Hour. Two days early. And, not entirely voluntarily. Forensic work is still underway and the technical team is working to identify the reason for the problem. However, since we are never likely to make their findings public, an involuntary, early celebration of Earth Hour is the only explanation you are going to get.

SOURCE: Toronto Startle

http://www.thestartle.com/NASApp/cs/ContentServer?pagename=thestartle/Layout/Article_Type1&c=Article&cid=
2000091831813&call_pageid=968387178492&col=968634772154]
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Boyz In The Hoodiez

Democratic Illinois Representative Bobby Rush was asked to leave the floor of the House when, during a speech on the shooting of Trayvon Martin, he revealed that he was wearing a hoodie.

The presiding officer, Republican Representative Gregg Harper, insisted that he asked Rush to leave for his own safety. "Several members of the house were packing heat," Harper explained. "They see a black man in a hoodie, and, you know, their self-defense instincts kick in."

SOURCE: Deadline News Network

[http://www.dnn.com/2012/ALLPOLITICS/03/28/reps.main/index.html]
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The National Post Response Is Not Safe For Work

Responses to the Ontario budget:

Toronto Star: Ontario finance minister Dwight Duncan explains not cutting business taxes. Critics decry freeze on social service spending. Taxes on alcohol and gambling bad way of funding government.

Globe and Mail: Ontario finance minister Dwight Duncan explains freeze on social service spending. Critics decry not cutting business taxes. Taxes on alcohol and gambling a really bad way of funding government.

Toronto Sun: THE LIBERALS ARE GOING DOWN! BURN, SOCIALIST BASTARDS, BURN!

SOURCE: Economics For Dummies

[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/entertainmentfordummies/economicsfordummies/home.asp?did=539&dir=bb]
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I Know Humour Is A Highly Personal Thing, And Yet...

Sometimes, the Bag of Crazy isn't the most appropriate place for politicians to pop out of. Some politicians aren't so much crazy as merely out of touch with the everyday reality of human beings. For them, the Crate of Cluelessness seems so much more appropriate.

And, who better to inaugurate the Crate of Cluelessness than Mitt Romney, whose every utterance cries out for a month of remedial life classes?

SOURCE: Karl's Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism

[http://www.bigred.commie/articles/218^.htm]
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Dueling Headlines (With Arthur "Guitar Boogie" Smith Accompaniment)

"Harper's modest revolution" - Globe and Mail

 "Majority Tories get tough" - Toronto Star

 "Budget to reset retirement at age 67
In first budget with a majority government, Harper will focus on job creation and changes to Old Age Security" - Globe and Mail

 "Tory budget about austerity, no matter how they frame it" - Toronto Star

 "Flaherty blasts Ontario budget" - Globe and Mail

 "Harper, McGuinty aiming at same target" - Toronto Star

SOURCE: Billy-Bob's International House O' Headlines

[http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=1472193078]
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Detention Diary: In Which The Hero Is Given A Lesson On The Relativity Of Truth

WEEK FOURTEEN

Before the interrogator had a chance to finish his question about Oskar Ibn Rachim, I blurted: "I want to speak to a lawyer."

"Lawyers don't exist," he blandly responded.

"What? Sure they do. I have a right to speak to my lawyer."

"You don't have a lawyer. And, even if you did, it wouldn't matter. Rights don't exist. Not here."

"Of course rights exist. They're guaranteed in the Declaration of Independence and the Bill of Rights!"

"The Declaration of Independence does not exist."

"But -"

"The Bill of Rights does not exist."

"But -"

"The Founding Fathers didn't exist. Really, I can anticipate your every comment."

"That's what you say."

"Who am I? As far as the world is concerned, I do not exist."

There was nowhere to go after that, so the interrogator nodded to the guard next to me, the wires were attached to my testicles and my whole body writhed in pain. I think I may have had a moment of clarity in there, because when the pain subsided, I panted, "Yes...yes. Yes!"

"Yes...what?"

"Yes...whatever."

"Whatever?" the interrogator frowned.

"Whatever you want to know," I explained. "I did it. I smoked it. I stole it. I sold it. I supplied it. I sold it to a foreign power. I did it. I did it all. I did whatever."

"So...about Oskar Ibn Rachim...?"

"We were best buddies. I followed him everywhere. Like a puppy. I would have born his children if I was...was biologically...what?"

The interrogator shook his head sadly. The pain began again. When it was over, I screamed, "What? What was tha - why?"

"You're just telling us what you think we want to hear."

"Of course I'm bloody telling you what you want to hear!" I yelled, my voice raw. "How else am I going to get the pain to stop?"

"By telling us the truth."

That was a very long session. By the end of it, my head hurt. It hurt for so many reasons...

SOURCE: Harpo's

[http://harpos.org/archive/2012/04/08/dd-9000014]
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