Thank you, Alfonso Gomez Abogados, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we had a knock-down-drag-out, warn-the-neighbours-that-they're-not-going-to-get-much-sleep-because-of-the-noise fight with our spouse about children. She doesn't want to have any children. We want to have no children. We've been considering couples counseling (professional - not the angry kind we've been getting from our neighbours), but, frankly, this difference in life goals seems insurmountable.
We hope she'll let us keep the Freezer Burn Gerbil Fodder boxed set when she moves out. It really was ours, you know.
Enjoy,SOURCE: Billy-Bob's International House O' Headlines
[http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=7363533219]
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Do You Find Buying New Sneakers Helps You Run Away From Your Past?
MITT ROMNEY: I'm going to be running on my record.
CHRIS MATTHEWS: Your record?
ROMNEY: Sure. Take the Salt Lake Olympics.
MATTHEWS: Okay. When you took charge of that, you tried to direct contracts to Bain Capital.
ROMNEY: Well, now, I don't think -
MATTHEWS: Not only that, but you were still listed as the CEO, chairman, president and sole owner of Bain at the time.
ROMNEY: You know what? Maybe the Olympics isn't the best example. But, you have to admit, my experience in business was an important preparation for being able to run the country.
MATTHEWS: But, running a business is nothing like running a government.
ROMNEY: Well, now, there is -
MATTHEWS: Besides, Bain Capital offshored jobs. That was its business model. How is experience doing that going to help you create jobs for Americans?
ROMNEY: Forget I said anything about that. It's my experience as Governor of Massachusetts that's really relevant to this election.
MATTHEWS: You mean, when the state was 47th in job creation and the infrastructure began falling apart?
ROMNEY: I...I inherited a deficit and managed to bring it down without raising taxes.
MATTHEWS: Sure, you raised taxes. You raised fees on everything the legislature would let you, which is a form of taxation. Not only that, but you eliminated a lot of loopholes, which forced a lot of people to, you know, pay more taxes.
ROMNEY: You know, I'd like this election campaign to be about ideas, about competing visions about where this country should go. Let's not get bogged down in personal innuendo about the past. What are you going to do for the people right now, and into the future? That's what I'll be running on...
SOURCE: Drew's Transcript-o-rama
[http://www.transcript-o-rama.com/romneytothegroin.shtml]
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Four ways to deal with the coming food crisis
1. Learn to enjoy eating cardboard.SOURCE: The Web Page of Lists
[http://www.ListsPage.argh/2012/August/Food_Fight.asp]
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DETENTION DIARY: Meanwhile, On the Home Front...
WEEK THIRTY-FOUR
"Why won't you tell me the truth?"
"I am telling the truth!"
"That you were kidnapped by the government and taken to a mysterious prison where you were tortured for information you didn't have because they thought you were somebody else?"
"That's right."
"Why do you keep lying to me?"
"Why do you think I'm lying to you?"
"BECAUSE THIS IS THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA! WE DON'T DO THINGS LIKE THAT!"
Relations between my wife and I were a little tense after I got back home. She wouldn't let me sleep in our bed - she wouldn't even let me into the bedroom. When I pointed out that sleeping in a couch in the basement wouldn't give me access to my clothes, she threw a bunch of them into the den. I could tell she hadn't given much thought to my wardrobe - nothing matched.
Then, there was the explosion at the dinner table.
"You're gone for six months - no goodbyes and not a peep the whole time. Then, you call me from Buttfuck, Montana -"
"Mooom!" Jordan shouted. At seven, she was sensitive about the use of language.
"It's the name of a city," Gertie assured her.
"Town, actually," I corrected her. "Buttfuck isn't big enough to be a...umm..." I withered under Gertie's scorching glare.
"You want to just waltz back into our lives without so much as a word as to what happened!"
"I told you what happened!"
"THE BUTTFUCK YOU DID!"
"Kids, maybe you should go to your rooms..."
"You know, I could understand if you ran off to Riyadh and spent all of our money on hookers and booze! That's what men your age do, right?"
"Pretty sure people are not allowed to drink booze in Riyadh."
"WHAT? YOU'RE AN EXPERT ON INTERNATIONAL FUCKING RELATIONS, NOW?"
"Yeah. You should definitely go to your rooms...in the cottage..."
"I wish Uncle Walter was here," Banias, who studiously moved the roast beef around his plate, muttered.
"Yeah," Jordan concurred. "He would stop the fighting."
"Uncle Walter?" I asked, incredulously. "Murch the Lurch is now Uncle Walter."
Gertie fluttered. "Walter was very helpful to me after you disappeared," she guiltily explained. "He was very good with the children."
I had seen this story so many times, I didn't feel the need to repeat it in a narrative aside. I looked over to the door of the dining room in the hope that my interrogator would walk in and play the TV moment buzz kill. Nothing happened. It didn't help that the dining room didn't have a door, just an arch.
"Phil," Gertie finally said, "We have to talk."
"Umm...okay," I said.
"Kids, go to your rooms," Gertie commanded.
And, just like that, they went.
SOURCE: Harpo's
[http://harpos.org/archive/2012/08/26/dd-9000034]
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7 Down: Menace 2 Society
Rob Ford was recently caught on video doing a New York Times crossword puzzle while driving down the Don Valley parkway at over 100 kilometres an hour. The reaction of critics of Toronto's mayor were divided: some were outraged by the potential danger his actions could have caused for others, others were impressed by his choice of diversion.
SOURCE: Toronto Stunned
[http://www.canoodle.com/NewsStand/TorontoStunned/News/2012/08/16/509727.html]
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INT. CAFETERIA - DAY
SECURITY GUARD 1 (white, British accent) and SECURITY GUARD 2 (dark skin, Middle Eastern accent) are sitting next to each other, eating.
SECURITY GUARD 1: People! What the bloody hell is wrong with them?
SECURITY GUARD 2: I know, my friend. I know.
SECURITY GUARD 1: Society has rules, you know.
SECURITY GUARD 2: Absolutely.
SECURITY GUARD 1: People can't just do whatever they want. That would lead to anarchy!
SECURITY GUARD 2: So very true.
SECURITY GUARD 1: Then, they spit on the people whose job it is to enforce the rules! I'm just doing my job, mate! I don't deserve abuse!
SECURITY GUARD 2: Indeed. And, what, if I may ask, is your job, my friend?
SECURITY GUARD 1: I'm an Olympics copyright enforcement agent. My job is to make sure that companies that haven't paid to use the Olympics logo don't use it. And, you?
SECURITY GUARD 2: I'm a Mutaween.
SECURITY GUARD 1: Really? What's that?
SECURITY GUARD 2: I enforce Sharia law as interpreted by the Saudi Arabian Committee for the Promotion of Virtue and the Prevention of Vice. My job is to make sure women don't drive, don't leave the house without a male relative and are properly covered at all times - you know, basic rules to keep our society functioning properly.
Mortified silence.
SECURITY GUARD 2: (CONTINUES) Would you not agree how funny it is that people from such different backgrounds could find so much common ground?
SECURITY GUARD 1: Common ground? I...I'm not sure I would...
SECURITY GUARD 2: Do not be modest, my friend. We both have difficult jobs that are not well understood or respected by our people.
SECURITY GUARD 1: Yes, yes, I do see your point, and yet...
SECURITY GUARD 2: Practically two peas in a pod, we are.
SECURITY GUARD 1: (mutters) The Olympics would be so much better if we didn't have to share it with people from other nations!
SOURCE: Weekends!
[http://www.nobc.com/Weekends/video/play.shtml?mea=227482]
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