Thank you, Hillary Duff L. Bague, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, our eyeballs were twitching orbs of itchiness and our noses were a fountain of mucus. Good thing we got a flu shot last week, or we could really be sick by now!
Enjoy,Policy On Van Loan From The Mad Hatter
The Harper Government of Canada has defeated a private member's bill that would have allowed Canadian generic drug companies to copy life-saving drugs and ship them to the world's poorest countries. To justify its actions, the government claimed that the bill would have violated Canada's obligations under the Pharmaceutical Non-Proliferation Treaty of 2008.
When critics of the government pointed out that there was no such thing as the Pharmaceutical Non-Proliferation Treaty of 2008, House Leader and Minister for Misinformation Peter Van Loan responded in a language that may have been ancient Mayan, or possibly Estonian, with a really heavy accent. Translators think he may have said, "The clacking cuckoo imitates Pong when the moon settles on your left shoulder," but it's hard to tell.
SOURCE: Canadian Depress
[http://www.cd.org/english/notforyou.htm]
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Alrighty, Then - I Guess Everybody Knows Where They Stand
SOURCE: Billy-Bob's International House O' Headlines
[http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=2276133077]
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Canadians monitoring elections in poverty-stricken Honduras have found some irregularities in the process.
"The ruling party set up a phone bank for robo-calls," said monitor Mike Maplemoosedroppings, "but it used it to tell people likely to vote for the opposition the proper time and place of the polls! I know, right? If they're not going to suppress the vote properly, what's the point of having elections?"
SOURCE: The Irrational
[http://www.mc.ca/stories/2012/11/26/theylllearn121126]
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Not That That Would Affect Her Writing
According to a new American study, bankers, lawyers and management consultants would rather hire someone who is like them than someone who is best qualified for the job. This means that white men are still more likely to advance in these lucrative fields than women or people of colour.
Shh. Don't tell Margaret Wente that. Her head would probably explode.
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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I Know The Zombie Module Enhanced First Year Economics When I Took It
Cambridge University is planning on opening a centre for "Terminator Studies" to look at existential threats to humanity. The four areas of study will be: artificial intelligence; climate change; nuclear war, and; rogue biotechnology.
But, where are the zombies? No self-respecting programme on threats to human survival could ignore the zombie apocalypse!
"Of course the zombie apocalypse is well represented in the curriculum," stated Astronomer Royal and co-founder of the school Lord Rees. "To the extent that zombies will be created by stray viruses, they will be covered in the rogue biotechnology stream."
"Really!" Lord Rees added with a snort, "No course of academic study is ever complete without zombies!"
SOURCE: The Wryersonian Eyewash
[http:// theeyewash.com/category/news/]
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There's Crazy Enough To Go Around...
I have to admit that Georgia Republican Representative Paul Broun was something of a conundrum for me. On the one hand, his anti-science beliefs are increasingly common in the Republican Party. If a belief is held by a majority of people in a given population, does it stop being crazy and start being the norm? On the other hand, he sits on the House Science, Space and Technology Committee. Go back and reread the quote with the knowledge that the person who said it sits on the House Science, Space and Technology Committee. The crazy pretty much announces its presence in 72 point type and a megaphone-enhanced voice, doesn't it?
Still, which is more crazy: a man who holds staunch anti-science beliefs in a position to rule on funding for scientific research programmes, or a party leadership willing to put a man who holds staunch anti-science beliefs in a position to rule on funding for scientific research programmes?
SOURCE: Karl's Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism
[http://www.bigred.commie/articles/218^.htm]
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And, If You Don' Like It, Can(ada) It!
It's called Canada. It has a can in it. Not a can't. On the other hand, it also has a nada. That's the kind of government support you can expect if you say anything bad about the tar sands or don't vote Conservative in the next election...
SOURCE: Ad Meek
[http://www.admeek.com/A&W/national/article_display.jsp?nuvu_content_id=1764952623]
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Logic That Stinks
The judge who ruled that Toronto Mayor Rob Ford should lose office because of a conflict of interest should not have gone against the democratic will of the city, members of Ford Nation have complained. Loudly. Frequently. Often with exactly the same typographical errors.
"We voted for a guy," said Ford supporter Gippy Guppo, "who breaks conflict of interest rules the way most people break wind! How dare a judge take him away from us!"
SOURCE: Toronto Stunned
[http://www.canoodle.com/NewsStand/TorontoStunned/News/2012/11/27/509727.html]
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Seeking friend for long, cold, lonely winter. Mid-50s. Kills a beard and stach. Policy wonk (but, who in Washington isn't?). Kind of bookish, but looks good on television. Well, on Fox News, in any case. Until they started getting bitchy. Stubbornly unwilling to negotiate, especially tax hikes. Demands a lot of friends (especially on the issue of taxes), but offers many benefits in return (especially in the field of campaign finance). Sensitive, since all of his so-called friends recently abandoned him. APPLY TO: Grover N., box 337.
SOURCE: Krayslist
[http://washington.en.krayslist.ca/bra/m4w/3450421578.html]
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It Was A Mercy Killing
INT. SHOPPING MALL - DAY
Various police technicians are working over a body. DETECTIVE and OFFICER are talking off to the side.
DETECTIVE: So, you're saying...?
OFFICER: It's the only thing that makes sense.
DETECTIVE: Okay, walk me through this. The victim was Asian?
OFFICER: That's right.
DETECTIVE: He was wearing sunglasses?
OFFICER: Un hunh.
DETECTIVE: A black jacket?
OFFICER: You got it.
DETECTIVE: Spats.
OFFICER: You saw them yourself.
DETECTIVE: And, the position of the body makes it look like the victim was dancing with annoying hand motions when he was killed?
OFFICER: You got it.
DETECTIVE: So, you want me to believe that this was a Gangnam slaying?
OFFICER: It's the only thing that makes sense.
DETECTIVE: Shit.
SOURCE: Weekends!
[http://www.nobc.com/Weekends/video/play.shtml?mea=227489]
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