The Daily Me - Degrassi Knowles

Thank you, Degrassi Knowles, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, a doomsday cult once again announced the end of the world. And, once again, the deadline came and went, and little changed and people went on with their lives pretty much as they always had. And, of course, the true believers came up with reasons why Armageddon didn't happen on schedule and predicted a rosy new doomsday scenario for the future. And, the fiscal cliff became a footnote in history.

Oh, sorry - what did you think we were talking about?

It's No Fun When You Make It So Easy

SOURCE: No Comment Quotes

[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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Then, The Court Ruled Life Of Pi Was "A Magnificent Film" (Having Watched It On A Badly Dubbed Bootleg DVD)

A Chinese court has ordered Apple Inc. to pay damages to eight Chinese writers and two companies who claimed unlicensed copies of their work were distributed through Apple's online store. A Chinese court. In China. That had Chinese people on it. Applying Chinese law. Penalized an American company for copyright infringement.

The absurd ironyometer is reminded that it needs to learn Mandarin to keep up with the centre of crazy moving from the west to the east.

SOURCE: Big Alex' Domesday Countdown Page

[http://www.allaboutalex.wha/Domesday/new]
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Has He Never Seen Equus?

Raymond Bell, pastor of the Cowboy Church of Virginia, believes that stroking horses can help "cure" homosexuality. Come on, people, keep it above the belt - he means petting horses. That is to say, running their hands down a horse's mane - in a purely innocent manner, okay? Equine Assisted Psychotherapy is supposed to help gay men get in touch with the inner butchness that they insist upon denying.

If that doesn't work, you could always try Bullfighting Assisted Psychotherapy. Or, Skydiving Assisted Psychotherapy. Or, even Losing Teeth In an Ice Hockey Initiated Brawl Assisted Psychotherapy. What? Gay men already do all of those things? And, the activities don't have any effect on the men's sexual orientation? Well, have they ever tried Losing Teeth In a Bullfighting, Skydiving Ice Hockey Initiated Brawl?

Denying the evidence that sexual orientation is inborn tiptoes up to the Crazy. Offering bizarre cures for a non-psychiatric condition that isn't curable dives into the deep end of the Bag of Crazy and does the breaststroke for several laps!

SOURCE: Karl's Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism

[http://www.bigred.commie/articles/218^.htm]
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Of Course You Realize, This Means War...heads...

Two warheads turned in to the Los Angeles Police Department as part of the city's gun buyback event appear to be nuclear weapons from the military.

"We never - when we first - I mean, who could have expec - HOLY SHIT!" exclaimed Sergeant Patrick Dimwitty, whose whole body appeared to be clenched at the thought of showing off the arms to reporters. "Are those safe? Can we get some people in Hazmat suits in here right now? ARE THOSE [EXPLETIVE DELETED] THINGS SAFE?"

Police said the people turning them in told officers that they had family members who at one time had worked at Los Alamos and "they no longer wanted the warheads in their homes. Or, their neighbourhood. Or, if it came to that, their state." Why did they suddenly come to this decision? Apparently, their children had used one of the warheads as an improvised ring toss target.

NRA Chief Executive Wayne LaPierre smiled as though he had reached nirvana.

SOURCE: USA Whenever

[http://www.usawhenever.com/news/national/2012-12-12-at-least-they-werent-playing-hackeysack_x.htm]
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As A Journalist, He Has No Piers

71,239 people have signed a petition to have CNN host Piers Morgan deported over remarks he made supporting gun control on his show and Twitter. The man who started the petition, Kurt N., from Austin, Texas, accused Morgan of engaging in "a hostile attack against the US Constitution by targeting the Second Amendment."

71,238 people have signed a petition demanding that Texas secede from the American union. Kurt N., the man from Austin, Texas who started the petition, stated, "We have to find the dang dirty traitor who didn't sign this petition, too, and talk some sense into the goldurn varmint!" Oddly enough, nobody in favour of this petition was talking about an attack on the US Constitution.

Perhaps the person who didn't sign the second petition was afraid it would make his head all explodey.

SOURCE: The Podunk Mash & Enquirer

[http://www.podunkmash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49682-2012Dec30.html]
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CIDA No Evil?

Six of the eight countries that will stop receiving bilateral aid thanks to recent cuts to the Canadian International Development Agency (CIDA) budget rank among the 25 per cent poorest nations in the world. How does the Harper Government of Canada justify this?

"Only six out of the eight?" Prime Minister Stephen Harper mused. "I thought for sure we had cut all eight. I apologize to the Canadian taxpayer and would like to assure everybody that my government will do its best to cut funding for the other two freeloaders as soon as is prudent."

SOURCE: The Irrational

[http://www.mc.ca/stories/2012/12/23/birthofthebadcida121223]
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Or, They Could Admit That She Was A Branding Effort Gone Horribly, Horribly Wrong And Move On

Eight ways Parks Canada can raise the profile of Parka the beaver, its new mascot:

SOURCE: The Web Page of Lists

[http://www.ListsPage.argh/2013/January/No_Childish_Beaver_Jokes_Left_Behind.asp]
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