Thank you, Yorick Windigo, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, our daughter, Faustina, demanded that we get our facial wrinkles botoxed, our tummies tucked and our butts lifted; if we didn't agree to it, she would not allow us to give her away at her wedding. We suggested that we wouldn't have to do any of that if we were only shot in dim light from a distance. Faustina said she was willing to drop the demand for the butt lift - she would tell the photographer to only shoot us from the front - but that the botox was non-negotiable. Our lawyer advised us that it was the best offer we were likely to get, but, frankly, the tummy tuck was a deal-breaker.
We hope Faustina enjoys being given away by the caterer!
Enjoy,The Mascot Would Be The Flaming Microorganisms!
NHL owners and players may have come to an agreement to salvage the 2012/2013 season, but the fundamental problem still remains: small market American teams are losing a lot of money. To fix this problem, economists have predicted that some teams will have to relocate, possibly to Europe. They aren't thinking big enough.
Ailing NHL teams should be considering relocating to the moons of Jupiter.
On the one hand, there are a lot of alien beings who might have some vague curiosity bordering on interest about the game. It could happen. On the other hand, there are no City Councils to deal with, which means that property taxes are likely to be close to zero!
Europa! Callisto! Ganymede! Think big, NHL. Think big.
SOURCE: The Schwartz Sports Report
[http://www.schwartzsportsreport.com/ssr-news.shtml.htm#46239633407]
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I'd Get Out My Mops, Because It's Gonna Be Messy Either Way
Have you heard? Arab broadcaster Al Jazeera has acquired Current TV, the network that was started by Al Gore. This means that all of right-wingers worst fears can now be found in a single package. Yep. They don't know whether to sing Halleluyah or let their heads explode.
SOURCE: Late Tonight with David Lenoman
[http://marketing.ubs.com/latetonight/latetonightshow/monologue]
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And, Speaking Of Exploding Heads...
I have a theory that the skull of somebody living in the Bag of Crazy is like a Tardis, bigger on the inside than on the outside. Because of this, it can actually store far more cubic millilitres of crazy than a normal brain can store of sane.
Of course, although it may be large, even one of those skulls is not infinite, and the crazy can create increasing pressure until it eventually blows, forcing everybody in the vicinity to flee the devastation in terror. Talk radio host Alex Jones had just such a Vesuvian eruption in a debate with Piers Morgan on the issue of gun control on CNN.
It was a wonderful, horrible thing to behold.
SOURCE: Karl's Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism
[http://www.bigred.commie/articles/218^.htm]
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Three weeks before an Israeli election, former national security service head Yuval Diskin has accused Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu of placing his "personal, opportunistic and current interests" ahead of those of the nation. This has distorted the country's policy on such critical issues as the Iranian nuclear programme and the Palestinian conflict.
Of course, I'm an anti-Semitic bastard for even mentioning this.
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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Cash For Trash Talk
HOST: The city of Edmonton is courting China in the hope that it can get a lucrative contract to store some of the country's trash. In a This 22 Minutes Feels Like an Hour exclusive, we have tape of the pitch...
EDMONTON MAYOR: You could really help my city out.
CHINESE OFFICIAL: Of course. China is eager to do business with countries all over the world. Do you have any ideas?
EDMONTON MAYOR: Garbage.
CHINESE OFFICIAL: I'm sure your ideas aren't that bad.
EDMONTON MAYOR: No, I had a great idea.
CHINESE OFFICIAL: What was that?
EDMONTON MAYOR: Garbage.
CHINESE OFFICIAL: I'm sorry, but is it a great idea or not?
EDMONTON MAYOR: It's a fabulous idea.
CHINESE OFFICIAL: Then, why do you keep calling garbage?
EDMONTON MAYOR: Because that is the idea.
CHINESE OFFICIAL: Garbage?
EDMONTON MAYOR: That's right.
PAUSE.
CHINESE OFFICIAL: Do you have any other ideas?
EDMONTON MAYOR: Of course. Tons of them.
CHINESE OFFICIAL: What is one of your other ideas?
EDMONTON MAYOR: Waste.
CHINESE OFFICIAL: Waste?
EDMONTON MAYOR: Exactly.
CHINESE OFFICIAL: You want me to waste money?
EDMONTON MAYOR: Of course not! Edmonton will give you good value for your money!
CHINESE OFFICIAL: For what, exactly?
EDMONTON MAYOR: For waste.
CHINESE OFFICIAL: You want me to pay you for waste?
EDMONTON MAYOR: I want you to pay me for your waste.
CHINESE OFFICIAL: My waste?
EDMONTON MAYOR: That's right.
CHINESE OFFICIAL: You think I don't do my job?
EDMONTON MAYOR: I'm sure you do.
CHINESE OFFICIAL: This whole deal sounds like garbage to me.
EDMONTON MAYOR: I'm good whatever you want to call it.
SOURCE: This 22 Minutes Feels Like An Hour
[http://www.mothercorp.ca/hour22minutes/]
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A Gun Helped Me And My Husband Through A Rough Patch In Our Marriage AND Gave Me An Awesome Lemon Cheese Steak Recipe!
To celebrate the one month anniversary of the Newtown massacre, the National Rifle Association is sponsoring a Gun Appreciation Day. And, as you might expect, the praise has been pouring in.
"A 357 Magnum climbed a tree to save my cat, Mister Joe," wrote Ernestine Burffle. "She would probably still be there if I had to rely on the...fire department!"
"The M16 found a cure for cancer too late to save my Victoria," stated Ned "The Jed" Stromboli. "Still, it has saved a lot of other people from going through the agony she went through, and, for that, I am grateful."
"Did you see the sweet 3 pointer the Uzi sank to win the game for the Lakers?" said basketball enthusiast Angel Smitherston. "I'll admit, when they first suggested allowing guns to play in the NBA, well, I was a little skeptical. But, after last night's game, I'm a true believer!"
Do what you can to show your appreciation on this special day. After all, when they put their minds to it, there is nothing that a gun cannot do.
SOURCE: Toronto Stunned
[http://www.canoodle.com/NewsStand/TorontoStunned/News/2013/01/12/509727.html]
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