Thank you, Blind Blossom Dearie, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we realized Google Glass would be much easier to use if human heads were detachable. We trust that Google Bioengineering is researching the possibilities even as we speak.
Enjoy,A Shame The Criminal Code Wasn't Written By X Files Fans
So far, allies of Toronto Mayor Rob Ford have not responded to articles about the two Toronto Startle reporters who have seen video that appears to show Ford doing an autopsy on a dead alien. With his eyes closed.
" ," said Ford's brother Doug.
The reporters were blindfolded, gagged and earplugged, led down several flights of stairs into a car, which drove for approximately 24 minutes, after which they were taken out of the vehicle and brought into an arcade, where they played pinball for several minutes, were led back to the car, driven for another 17 minutes and finally got to see the video in an underground garage filled with smoking men in grey suits.
"I totally believe in the veracity of the video," said reporter Pollyanna Doohickey.
Police say they are monitoring reports of the video, but that no charges are likely if it proves to be true because cutting open alien bodies is not covered in the Criminal Code. "Now, if a deadly virus were to be released as a result of the autopsy," stated Staff Sergeant Biff Alongo, "we might be able to make a 'careless handling of toxic substances' charge stick. Until then, our hands are tied."
SOURCE: Toronto Startle
[http://www.thestartle.com/NASApp/cs/ContentServer?pagename=thestartle/Layout/Article_Type1&c=Article&cid=
1088506731813&call_pageid=953135278492&col=922466972155]
more
Of Course, That May Be Because They're No Longer There...
Didja hear? The actress Angelie Jolie - one of the most beautiful women in the world - had a double mastectomy to prevent the likelihood of getting cancer later in her life. And, you know, this just might be the first time in human history that more women are talking about her breasts than boys!
SOURCE: Late Tonight with David Lenoman
[http://marketing.ubs.com/latetonight/latetonightshow/monologue]
more
Trees Are Being Denuded Of Their Leaves As Citizens Find Creative Ways Of Coping With The Crisis
As if shortages of milk, butter, coffee and other staples wasn't bad enough, Venezuela is running out of the most vital resource a human society creates - toilet paper.
"Oh, it's not as bad as it seems," commented International Monetary Fund spokesweasel Frank Harte-Loesser. "They can always use their currency!"
SOURCE: Ferbs
[http://www.ferbs.com/sites/kurtpoorenhausen/2013/05/12/imfine-how-are-you/]
more
When "Unclear On The Concept" Becomes A Way Of Life
A coalition of well-known mental health groups claim that a government bill aimed at keeping mentally ill offenders incarcerated longer will stigmatize mental illness and could put public safety at risk.
"Stigmatize mental illness?" Justice Minister Rob Nicholson scoffed, circling his finger towards the side of his head. "That idea's just kerrrrr-azy!"
SOURCE: Canadian Depress
[http://www.cd.org/english/jacknicholsonwouldatleasthaveprojectedbeingconflicted.htm]
more
You Want To Be Well Rested In Order To Be Able To Properly Sleep Through The Eulogies
Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has come under criticism for spending $127,000 in public funds on a customized bed for an airplane flight to attend Margaret Thatcher's funeral.
On the plus side, now we know how he can sleep at night...
SOURCE: The Arad Post
[http://www.apost.com/servlet/Satellite?pagename=APost/APArticle/ShowFull&cid=2098201567425]
more
SEC Ya Later, Ethics Debater!
The Securities and Exchange Commission, rather than offering regulation of the practice of bond rating companies being paid by the corporations whose issues they assess, has suggested more hearings into the problem.
Standard and Poor's immediately gave the SEC a triple-A rating. Moody's gave the SEC a double-A plus with a Lemon Wedge.
SOURCE: The Financial Riposte
[http://www.canada.com/national/nationalwhippingpost/financialriposte/story.html?id=94ddccd7-f6f3-4f4f-9f25-a2eb4cc6a582]
more
REPUBLICAN: I Have Such A Sunny Disposition?
REPUBLICAN: Why did the IRS target Tea Party groups?
DEMOCRAT: The Internal Revenue Service was investigating Tea Party groups because they were claiming tax-exempt charity status even though they were engaged in political activity.
REPUBLICAN: So you say. But, really, why did the IRS target Tea Party groups?
DEMOCRAT: According to tax law, charities are not allowed to engage in political behaviour. The IRS believed that the Tea Party groups were engaged in political activities, which would mean they shouldn't get tax exempt status.
REPUBLICAN: Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, seriously, why did the IRS target the Tea Party?
DEMOCRAT: Because good fiscal policy requires the IRS investigate when it believes people are contravening the tax code?
REPUBLICAN: Oh, you're such a Boy Scout! Come on! Why did the IRS target Tea Party groups?
DEMOCRAT: (sighs) Why?
REPUBLICAN: ABUSE OF POWER! SECRET ENEMIES LIST! WORSE THAN WATERGATE! IMPEACH! IMPEACH! IMPEACH! IMPEACH!
DEMOCRAT: Why do I even bother talking to you?
SOURCE: Weekends!
[http://www.nobc.com/Weekends/video/play.shtml?mea=227507]
more
Except, Of Course, We Can't
At least 27 crowdsourcing projects have been started on Indienono to raise funds to buy the tape purporting to show Toronto Mayor Rob Ford dissecting an alien. "If I can raise enough cash, I plan on incorporating it into my video installation 'Wo(e)men on the Verge of Impending eConomic Rue-in,'" said Austrian performance artist Regina Poppee/Coch.
"We'll finally get the truth of what's going on in Area 51!" said conspiracy theorist and French fried buffalo enthusiast Reginald Malarchai.
"I...want it for my private collection," said a shadowy figure who looked similar to the Mayor, but wasn't him. Maybe a close relative, or something. "Yeah. That's it. I don't want to bury the video so that no member of the public ever sees it. I'm a collector who wants it to complete my set of Mayor behaving badly videos - you should see my Marion Berry wing!"
SOURCE: Toronto Startle
[http://www.thestartle.com/NASApp/cs/ContentServer?pagename=thestartle/Layout/Article_Type1&c=Article&cid=
1088506731813&call_pageid=953135278492&col=922466972157]
more
Total Eclipse Of The Smart
Science Guy Bill Nye was booed by an audience in Waco, Texas when he claimed that the moon reflects light from the sun. Some people were offended that this contradicted the Bible statement that: "God made two great lights - the greater light to govern the day and the lesser light to govern the night."
This may seem absurd, but consider the words of the first man on the moon, Neil Armstrong: "You know why videos show me bouncing around the surface of the moon? It was damn hot! I was afraid that if I stood in one place for too long, the soles of my space boots would melt!"
Now, who's the Waco, hunh?
SOURCE: Scientific Canadian
[http://www.scican.com/article.cfm?chanID=sc003&articleID=9124H3EC-2C145-20K5-ABA1582614B711711]
more