Curtain up on a poorly lit bar. Three tough punks, JIMMY, SAMMY and ALPHONSE, sit at a table in a corner, drinking and alternately laughing and scowling. JEREMY, the bartender, sits on a stool behind the bar, watching the big television screen hovering above. Enter PROFESSOR BLUNDERSON, who goes straight to the bar. He looks harried, disheveled, weary. Jeremy attends to him.
BLUNDERSON: Whisky, please, Jeremy. Make it a double. (sits on a stool)
JEREMY: Coming up, Professor.
Jeremy fixes a drink. The Toughs notice Blunderson and, drinks in hand, walk up to him.
SAMMY: Hey, mister, what about those Leafs, eh?
BLUNDERSON: Actually, I used to have a theory about that...
JIMMY: You hear that, boys. The Professor here used to have a theory!
The three Toughs laugh.
BLUNDERSON: How did you know I was a Professor?
JIMMY: (stops laughing) What?
JEREMY: Here's your drink. (places drink in front of Blunderson)
BLUNDERSON: Thanks. (sips from the glass)
JIMMY: What did you say?
BLUNDERSON: You knew that I was a Professor. Is it possible that you have some sort of psychic powers?
JIMMY: (confused) Powers? No...I...it was a joke, man. Just a joke.
BLUNDERSON: (drily) Oh. Yes. Very droll. I have a theory about -
SAMMY: (angrily banging his fist on the bar) We're not interested in your theories, Professor.
BLUNDERSON: Ahh, typical aggressive reaction to superior intellect...
SAMMY: Who you callin' typical!
BLUNDERSON: Nobody. Sorry. I had no intention of causing your ego the slightest consternation.
SAMMY: (threatening) Listen, Professor...
BLUNDERSON: Blunderson. I teach political science at the University.
JIMMY: (trying to regain control) Oh, so you're into poli sci? Well, if you're so smart, perhaps you could tell us why this country is such a mess. If you'd be so kind...
BLUNDERSON: (gulps his drink) I don't mind. But, it is a complicated situation...
JIMMY: Just as I thought. Mister, you wouldn't know the difference between a plutocratic autocracy and a nihilistic agrarian demagoguery!
SAMMY: Yeah. With both hands tied behind his back.
JIMMY: Yeah. And, blindfolded. What do you think about that?
BLUNDERSON: (calm) I think you're wrong.
JIMMY: (leaning into him) Are you calling me a liar?
BLUNDERSON: No, I don't think you're a liar. Misinformed, yes. A liar, no. You see, government is not a simple concept to grasp; the federal government, in particular, seems to have very little to do with actually fulfilling the real needs of the people. I have a -
JIMMY: (singing) I want to buy things but my money seems all spent...
SAMMY: (singing) I want to work, but I'm a victim of unemployment...
ALPHONSE: (singing, very high) My doctor tells me that my anger I must start to vent...
All look at Alphonse, surprised by the highness of his voice.
TOUGHS: (singing) Wouldn't it be government?
BLUNDERSON: (singing) All they want is a well lit hallBLUNDERSON: (singing) Oh, wouldn't it be government?
TOUGHS: (singing) Lots of issues they can debateBLUNDERSON: (singing) Oh, wouldn't it be government?
ALL: (singing) We think that we could do better given half a chanceTOUGH: (singing) Government?
BLUNDERSON: (singing) Government?
TOUGHS: (singing) Government?
BLUNDERSON: (singing) Government.
Toughs start whistling, miming Parliamentary debate, one speaking in mock seriousness, the others laughing, catcalling, banging on desks, etc.
BLUNDERSON: (singing) We all think we could do better given half a chanceTOUGHS: (singing) Government?
BLUNDERSON: (singing) Government?
TOUGHS: (singing) Government?
BLUNDERSON: (singing) Government.
JIMMY: You know, Professsor, I never looked at it quite like that.
BLUNDERSON: Take my word for it, son; you're better off on the streets than on Parliament Hill.
JIMMY: You're right! I think I'll become...a social worker...
SAMMY: I'm gonna devote my life to brain surgery...
ALPHONSE: I think I'll take up the French horn.
BLUNDERSON: Those are all...worthwhile goals, fellows. But, are you sure you want to make such serious decisions on the spur of the moment?
JIMMY: Listen, Professor, anything has to be better than spontaneously breaking out into song in the middle of a barroom!
BLUNDERSON: Yes, well...I have a theory about that...
Curtain.
(with copious apologies to Lerner and Lowe)
