The Column of Lists 9
The 10 most frequently taken photographs of the 20th century
1) holiday vacation photos
2) nudes
3) war photos
4) mine disasters
5) adorable baby pictures
6) adorable animal pictures
7) ugly baby pictures
8) semi-nudes
9) passport photos
10) the photographer's thumb
Ten things to do while waiting for your sister's high school play to start
1) dry out your jacket pocket
2) try to remember the lyrics to Bonnie Tyler's song "Total Eclipse of the Heart"
3) accept a government grant
4) wonder how many of the kids in the cafeteria are already seriously addicted to drugs
5) flip a coin
6) decide the frailty of human relationships is caused by MSG
7) marvel at the way some people never realize that Hawaiian shirts are really incredibly tacky
8) ask yourself if you acted this way when you were their age
9) fear for somebody's dignity, chastity or sanity
10) write a list containing 10 things to do while waiting for your sister's high school play to start
Ten symbols that need a complete overhaul
1) George Orwell's Nineteen Eighty-four
2) a gargantuan automobile
3) the beaver
4) a handshake
5) skyscrapers
6) diamond rings, broaches, bracelets and wristwatches
7) yellow triangles
8) speed limits
9) the hammer and sickle
10) copyright
Ten good deals
1) a perm for less than $40
2) the Auto Pact
3) four aces and a wild card
4) my worms for your frog
5) tit for tat, an eye for an eye and five'll get you 10
6) 70/30 or 20 per cent
7) Luba at any price
8) a couple of minor leaguers and a second round draft choice for a strong left-handed pitcher
9) amnesty in exchange for the names of all your contacts
10) I won't tell anybody if you don't
Ten ways to look at Modern Art
1) from the front
2) from the back
3) from a historical perspective
4) from another room
5) from another building
6) from a comic book perspective
7) standing on your head
8) standing on the artist's head
9) standing on John Kenneth Galbraith's head
10) from the perspective of the artist who threw the paint at the canvas or put the holes in the block of granite
Ten unlikely subjects for radio phone in shows
1) oral sex
2) grooming your collie
3) indoor plumbing
4) group sex
5) the odds of your grandmother winning the Preakness
6) tomorrow's weather
7) nuclear winter
8) teen sex
9) alien sex
10) this generation's obsession with sex
Ten things that don't seem to be worth much these days
1) a BA, a CFL or a CBC
2) originality
3) our dollar
4) the environment
5) the other guy's opinion
6) oil (but let's not belabour the point)
7) the twin concepts of communal living and free love
8) age, experience or the size of your gun
9) Blue Jays pitching
10) railroad timetables
Ten people who might have to join Keith Emerson and Greg lake if this Powell character doesn't work out now that Carl Palmer is no longer a member of ELP
1) Alan Parsons
2) John Parr
3) Dolly Parton
4) Pat Paulsen
5) Stephanie Powers
6) Mike Palmateer
7) Priscilla Presley
8) Sarah Purcell
9) Gary Player
10) Austin Pendleton
Ten lists that didn't make it into a column of lists
1) eleven words that can only be found in crossword puzzles
2) twelve things god would probably hesitate before admitting that he created
3) eight homemade cold remedies that don't work as well as aspirin
4) eighty-seven ways to impress people who care about such things
5) seven jokes too obscure to tell in polite company
6) nine minor countries you wouldn't in a million years have guessed could start a nuclear war
7) six things you couldn't buy even if you wanted to
8) fourteen things people say after they claim that there's nothing left to be said
9) twenty-five or six two four
10) ten ways till Tuesday
BONUS: DO IT YOURSELF LIST
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