Well, hello, there. Come on in. Why don't you take your mukluks off and come sit next to the fire, and I'll tell you about some of our neighbours in the Bag of Crazy. Would you like that? Good.
People like former Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin. She hasn't been in the news much lately, probably because she's raking in enough bucks to expand on her already voluminous chalet on Politician Place. Still, when she does pop up to make a public pronouncement, she does her Bag of Crazy hood proud.
What would you call a person who pushed the lie of "death panels" in the Affordable Care Act accusing the President of lying about the legislation? Post-ironic? Pre-menopausal? Antediluvian? Or, just a great neighbour?
Sarah Palin gives alternate realities a bad name. And, we love her for it.
Oh, look, just down the street from Sarah Palin is Illinois Republican Representative Joe Walsh. Hi, Joe! How does a man who has never fought in a war tear down his Democratic opponent, who lost bother her legs fighting in Iraq? LOUDLY AND PROUDLY!
Of course, Republicans would go 50 shades of apeshit if a Democrat attacked one of their war vets this way. But, you don't get to live in the Bag of Crazy by feeling, you know, shame about your behaviour. If you did, Walsh would have paid the $117,000 he owes in child support.
Real Republicans support the military and the family. Sure. Sure, they do.
Next door to Walsh lives Republican Iowa Representative Steve King. You might think that his statement was a call to ban boxing in the United States. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND HOW THE BAG OF CRAZY WORKS? No, King was arguing in favour of watching animals fight. Because, of course, dogs and cocks and other animals know the risks of fighting each other and do so of their own free will. It says so right there in the contracts they sign. And, of course, losing animals are never killed for the pleasure of the spectators.
Priorities, people. Priorities.
You may be wondering why Republicans are so over-represented in the Bag of Crazy. Don't Democrats say crazy things? Of course they do. Democrats have built a cozy community in and around Delusional Avenue. Even President Obama has a modest bungalow there: how many times do the Republicans have to slap him down before he abandons his belief in bi-partisanship? You know what they say: fool me once, shame on you. Fool me eight times, and I should start picking out furniture for my home in the Bag of Crazy.
The thing is, though, that Democrats still defiantly cling, however tenuously, to, you know, reality and facts and stuff. Republicans jettisoned all that unnecessary ballast years ago. And, when you don't have to ground anything you say in, you know, reality and facts and stuff, well, the crazy can flow freely. Just ask Virginia Republican Delegate Robert G. "sodomy is not a civil right" Marshall.
Okay, so, here it is: BEING GAY WILL KILL YOU. And, naturally, because we want every citizen to live as long as they can, we should discourage everybody from being gay; we certainly shouldn't promote it. No need to thank me for my homophobia - I only believe in it for your own good.
By the way - how do you like my modest little house - I'm only a couple of blocks away from Sarah Palin. That's right! Do you like my tasteful art and furnishings? THEY WERE CHOSEN BY MY WIFE, AND ANYBODY WHO SAYS OTHERWISE IS A DAMN LIAR!
By this time, you're probably wondering to yourself: is the Bag of Crazy populated entirely by politicians? Is President Obama a Muslim? Of course not! At least, not if you live outside Conspiracy Corners!
Okay, to be honest, this area to the south of us is a bit of a slum - I mean, they'll let just anybody live there! Like Dorie Celestia, the woman behind the The Beatles Never Existed Web site (which, apparently itself no longer exists - if it ever did...) and discussion board (which does). As George explains, there may or may not have been four men named John, Paul, George and Ringo, but the phenomenon of The Beatles was maintained by a group of clones sent throughout the world to act like the rock band.
There were subtle differences in the clones that could be detected by close examination of their photographs and videos. One difference is that clones have longer necks than originals. I'm surprised that Celestia didn't demand that the government start a Neck Measurement Registry of every citizen; that way, if you were worried that your wife had been replaced by an exact copy, you could just measure her neck and compare the result with what had been in the registry.
You might call it insane. I prefer to think of it as consistent.
These are some of the people in my neighbourhood. The Bag of Crazy - visit often enough and it begins to feel just like home...
