What the Heck Do You Know? Isn't a Mind Reader You Know...Or, Do You?
1) Public bathrooms in Michigan will install talking urinal cakes. What message should they convey?
a) "Be careful putting that back. You wouldn't want to poke somebody's eye out!"
b) "Why aren't you writing your name in the snow like all the other boys?"
c) "A laden swallow or an unladen swallow?"
2) New rules would allow Canada's banks to pick their own external ombudsmen in disputes with customers. What could possibly go wrong?
a) they could choose somebody who is dead, which would really slow the dispute resolution mechanism down
b) they could choose Bippy, the Trained Seal; while this would enliven proceedings, Bippy has long been known to be in the pocket of CIBC Board Chair Charles Sirois
c) they could trip and poke their eyes out with their...umm...well, let's just say that they could poke their eyes out and leave it at that, okay?
3) If they were still a band, what type of music would The Beatles be recording today?
a) Lithuanian death polka
b) a cross between The Doors, Sarah McLachlan and The Good, The Bad and The Queen, but without the 37 minute flute solos
c) orange
4) Will the Obama administration prosecute the big banks for their manipulation of LIBOR?
a) ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha hee hee, oh, seriously, ha ha ha ha ha ha h -
b) ohmygod, you're serious, aren't you?
c) so far, I haven't had to clean any pig shit off the windshield of my car, so I'm gonna say no
5) The Harper Government of Canada says that it is planning on better monitoring of the Alberta tar sands. How so?
a) it's going to hire 57 new media liaison officers to tell the press how much better a job of monitoring the Alberta tar sands it is doing
b) it will circle the province with 57 inch screens
c) it doesn't know - it's letting the province fill in the details. What could possibly go wrong?
6) Okay, I'll bite. What could possibly go wrong?
a) a zombie apocalypse
b) a robot apocalypse
c) somebody could poke an eye ou - what? You think I went to that well once too often?
7) What is "sirenomelia?"
a) a synesthesic condition where somebody who hears a police siren feels like they've got pea meal bacon in their mouth (yum!)
b) an irrational compulsion to tie yourself to a mast
c) gross - just...gross...
8) The 2012 London Olympics has featured stories of busloads of lost athletes and the need to deploy 3,500 soldiers because the private company that was supposed to supply security couldn't find enough people. Considering how embarrassing it has been, why would any country want to host an Olympics?
a) for the cheese dip
b) for the waters (although, they could be misinformed...)
c) for the greater glory of our political masters, long may their memories be exalted in concrete and debt
9) Sewing needles have been found in five turkey sandwiches on Delta Airlines flights from Amsterdam to the United States. How could such a thing happen?
a) the ground crew sewing circle really should have stayed away from those hash brownies
b) the airline should never have bought its food from Momma's Poultry and Knitting Shoppe
c) it's President Obama's fault since he obviously...uhh...is to blame...
10) Republican Representative Darrell Issa's past includes arrests for weapons charges and auto theft, suspicion of arson, and accusations of intimidation with a gun. How does this qualify him to be Chairman of the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee?
a) umm...it doesn't. In fact, in a rational world, it would disqualify him from holding the position...
b)
c)
d)
e)
f) nope - I still don't see how he could be Chairman of the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee with that record...
g)
h)
i)
j)
k)
l)
m)
n) sorry - still not making sense. If you're an Issa supporter, maybe you should go on to the next question...
11) What does NSFW stand for?
a) Nether Sweet Freaking World
b) Nobody Should Fry Winnebagos
c) Negotiated Standstill Fargo Wraps
d) other
12) What does space smell like?
a) seared steak, hot metal and welding fumes
b) your ex-wife
c) ...victory
13) Jonah Lehrer has admitted that he fabricated quotes from Bob Dylan for his book Imagine: How Creativity Works. Bob Dylan. Just one of the most analyzed musicians of the twentieth century. How did he think he was going to get away with this?
a) Because something is happening here, but you don't know what it is, do you, Mister Jones? Because, if you did, you'd be a better person.
b) Lord knows I've paid some dues getting' through, tangled up in blue. And, you did, too. Boo hoo.
c) Let me forget about today until tomorrow. Or, maybe the day after - I have a lot of forgetting to do!
14) Three members of the Russian rock band Pussy Riot have been arrested, and, if convicted, could spend as much as seven years in jail. What have they been charged with?
a) wilful ownership of a sense of humour
b) making fun of religion in an atheist state
c) charges? CHARGES? Oh, please! They're only halfway through the trial - there's still plenty of time to come up with charges!
15) According to Jason Langrish, president of the Energy Roundtable, "Canadian businesses are adjusting to a highly valued currency as the norm." How are Canadian businesses doing that?
a) by going out of business
b) by being bought out by foreign investors (which, technically, would make them Chinese businesses...shh...)
c) by convincing the government that they are successful energy companies, so they deserve to have taxpayer subsidies
16) Israeli Tal Lecks has been called a "Messianic satirist." What kind of jokes would a comedian like that tell?
a) "A priest, a rabbi and an aardvark walk into a bar...AND THEN THE WORLD ENDS, EVERYBODY IS JUDGED AND THE RIGHTEOUS ARE ALLOWED TO LIVE IN HEAVEN ON EARTH!"
b) "Two polar bears are sleeping on an ice patch that breaks, sending them in different directions. By the time they wake up, the distance between them is too great for one to swim to the other. The two pieces of ice slowly drift further and further apart. Just as one of the polar bears is about to lose sight of the other over the horizon THE WORLD ENDS, EVERYBODY IS JUDGED AND THE RIGHTEOUS ARE ALLOWED TO LIVE IN HEAVEN ON EARTH!"
c) "Okay, okay, stop me if you've heard this one before. One day, just before the morning sh'ma, Izzy Ironowitz knocks on the Rebbe's door. ‘Oi," says the Rebbe. "Reb Fleb," Izzy says, "I'm having problems with my shmoika. Is it time to get out the candle wax and the orangeade?" The Rebbe considers this question for a moment. Then...but, you know where this joke is going, don't you?"
17) A Pennsylvania state judge has ruled that an onerous law requiring every citizen to show official ID could stand, even though the Republican legislature which passed it could not point to a single case of voter fraud that it would have stopped and it would suppress the vote of 700,000 to one million Pennsylvanians. What was the judge's reasoning?
a) it would be no big loss to democracy: old people are too senile to know how to vote properly anyway, and when they're black - pfft, forget about it!
b) he had already upheld a law that would make it illegal to jump off a building and fall UP into the clouds, even though no Republican legislator could point to a single case of it happening, so he felt a precedent had been set
c) just because the law was passed by one political party to disenfranchise members of another party, it doesn't necessarily follow that the law is bad...
d) other (feel free to cite the judge's political leanings, hair colour or opinion of Judge Judy if any or all of them are relevant)
18) Whoa! The Facebook IPO was supposed to make everybody in the world rich! What happened?
a) everybody in the world is a lot of people, you know
b) we should probably wait for the lawsuits to settle before we try to answer this question...
c) once again, a techno-wish and a cyber-prayer were substituted for sound economic judgment. What could possibly go wrong? (See Question 6 for some ideas...)
19) Over 31,000 people were stopped and frisked by members of the NYPD last year because they were wearing "clothes commonly used in a crime." What clothes are commonly used in crimes?
a) black skin
b) t-shirts of guns
c) pinstripe suits
20) What is "toe-besity?"
a) the body mass index of people named Tony
b) when your baby toe is too fat to get the ring you usually put on it on (but, not because you have a life-threatening illness like the black death or Bieber fever)
c) the fat suit you have to wear if you want to play Sir Toby Belch in Shakespeare's Twelfth Night
