"Welcome to the pilot episode of The Week in Corruption."
"Which also happens to be our 25th century anniversary episode - how did we accomplish that, Gail?"
"Obviously, Rodney, we paid somebody off."
"Pfft - obviously! Why didn't I think of that?"
"For corruption to flourish, we count on people not thinking about it, of course."
"Pfft - of course!"
"Well. We could continue to exchange marginally witty banter, or we could get to the show. And, not surprisingly, it is a full show."
"Oh, get on with the show! Get on with the show! Get on with the show!"
"How are you able to clap your hands like that?"
"Retractable thumbs."
"...Okay. Toronto City Councillor Giorgio Mamografitti may be -"
"Sorry, Gail, but isn't that Giorgio Mammogramitti?"
"I don't think so, Rodney. Mammogramittis are not as beneficial as medical researchers once thought they were."
"Just like Giorgio."
"That may ultimately be for the courts to decide. Giorgio Mamm...uhh...Councillor Giorgio may be in trouble for soliciting and accepted a loan of $200,000 from a real estate developer whose business he voted in favour of in Council."
"Wow. Can you say conflict of interment? Uhh...conflict of interception? Contrast? Uhh..."
"Conflict of interest?"
"Yeah."
"Apparently, not. This may not be against the law."
"So, we have to fall back on the old 'spending over the legal limit in the last municipal election.'"
"An oldie, but a goodie."
"As is Councillor Giorgio's defence, which is basically: 'I spent over the limit? Really? Who knew? Sorry, I wasn't paying attention, and, anyway, it was an accident.'"
"Clearly, he is being advised by Political Hack Lawyer Barbie, who once famously said, 'Electoral spending limits are hard.'"
"To be fair, he does seem to have learned from the experience of Toronto Mayor Rob Ford, who, when confronted with his own spending over the election limit, said, 'Oopsie....I wasn't paying attention, and, anyway, it was an accident.'"
"He's adorable when he's claiming ignorance of the law, isn't he, Rodney?"
"Well, Mayor Adorable was his main platform plank, Gail. That and Mayor of Cutting Non-existent Waste."
"And, in any case, it's not like being allowed to spend as much as you want on an election gives people with access to a lot of money a, you know, advantage or anything."
"But, you know, Gail, municipal politics aren't the only ones where corruption exists."
"It would be a short show if they were, Rodney."
"Opposition leaders are calling on the Ontario government to reopen the investigation into spending irregularities at ORNGE, which ran an air ambulance service for the Ministry of Health. The investigation was halted, you may remember, when then-Premier Dalton McGuinty prorogued Queen's Park."
"Dalton who? You expect me to remember something that happened three months ago? I can't remember what I said 30 seconds ago!"
"Something about the Edmonton Koala String Quartet, I think..."
"Am I a fan?"
"You wouldn't have mentioned them if you hadn't."
"It's fascinating, isn't it, how the adorable little creatures hold their bows?"
"And, I'm sure they're fascinated by how Premier Kathleen Wynne smiled and responded to the calls with a cheerful: 'New Premier on the block. Not my problem.'"
"Provincial politics is so...provincial, isn't it?"
"That's why we also cover the federal government, where a spending scandal is brewing."
"And, it's a hot one!"
"Well, more lukewarm - it's an old kettle. But, it could be hot, given enough time. Conservative Senators are allegedly claiming to live in places they do not live in in order to claim travel allowances of thousands of dollars."
"Is that...serious?"
"Very serious. The three Senators - and counting - could be seriously rapped on the knuckles for this. Have you ever been rapped on the knuckles? It can hurt for days!"
"But, you get over it."
"Alright. You want serious? Remember how Prime Minister Stephen Harper used to complain that the Senate was a waste of money?"
"Did it happen more than 30 seconds ago?"
"Well, he said that, and his own Senators are proving him right!"
"Oh, wow, Rodney."
"Oh, wow, indeed, Gail."
"Well. We'll have all of this, and more, in this episode of The Week in Corruption. But, remember: we don't cover corruption in order to make you cynical about politics. The harsh light of a cold, crisp day is the best way of keeping politicians honest. Any cynicism you may feel in response is your own problem!"