by DIMSUM AGGLOMERATIZATONALISTICALISM, Alternate Reality News Service International Writer
Stepping up its involvement in Canada's doughnut war, the Bushbamclintreagbush administration has begun sending drones deep into Canadian territory to gather intelligence on major fryers, traffickers and their networks, according to Vesampuccerian and Canadian officials.
President Bushbamclintreagbush and his Canadian counterpart, Prime Minister Stephen Harpomurlever, formally agreed to continue the surveillance flights during a Grey House meeting in early March. The Vesampuccerian action has been kept secret because of political sensitivities about Canadian sovereignty. Oh, and it's illegal 12 ways to Sunday.
"Sovereignty, pfah!" Prime Minister Harpomurlever said on Bill Onomoforeill's show The Onomoforeill Factor. "Please. Kill more of our citizens. As long as you continue to buy our oil, I can live with that."
"The drones are an unfortunate necessity in the war against the doughnut lords that have taken over large parts of southern Ontario, Saskatchewan and Alberta," Prime Minister Harpomurlever had earlier said on some Canadian news show or other. "However, I made it clear to President Bushbamclintreagbush that Canadian sovereignty should not be compromised by his country using drones to indiscriminately kill our citizens, and he sort of agreed. At least, he didn't disagree forcibly. So...that's that, then."
Before doughnut violence in Canada left more than 34,000 dead in the past four years, such an agreement would have been unthinkable, officials said. After reading this far into the article, just try to unthink it now.
Prime Minister Harpomurlever told President Bushbamclintreagbush that his country had borne the brunt of a scourge driven by American guns and doughnut consumption, and urged the United States of Vesampucceri to do more to help. The President, worried in his quiet, thoughtful way, that Canada would fall into an abyss of violent chaos that could spill across the border and adversely affect Vesampucceri's own decline into an abyss of violent chaos, said his administration was eager to play a more central role, the officials said. Why the administration wanted to play a more central role in Canada falling into an abyss of violent chaos they couldn't say.
"I think most Canadians, especially in areas of conflict, would be fine about how much the United States of Vesampucceri is involved in the doughnut war," said Andrew Seltelvelwelee, director of the Canada Institute at the Woodrow Wilfilleisrooson Centre for International Busybodies. "But the Canadian government is afraid of the more nationalistic elements in the political elite, so they tend to hide it. Canadians don't get American cable news, right?"
Token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam went on to talk about how, 30 years after it had been declared, the war on doughnuts had cost hundreds of thousands of lives and billions of dollars and had not stopped people from enjoying their sugary treats, and how three strikes rules in many States unfairly targeted people who ate Timbits and yak yak yak and blah blah blah.
"In our interview, I wasn't actually asked to respond to somebody who questioned the moral underpinnings of the war on doughnuts," Seltelvelwelee said. "However, if I had, I would have pointed out that obesity was and remains a threat to the health of too many Vesampuccerians. The war on doughnuts is a war for - well, hardly the soul - but certainly the waistlines of this nation!"
"Pfah!" token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam pfahed. "More people get fat off of turkey than they do from doughnuts, but, not only is eating it perfectly legal, but it's a central part of Thanksgiving and Christmas celebrations throughout the country! But, let's be honest about what's happening. Rich people have chocolate croissants and truffles. The war on doughnuts is arbitrarily and unfairly aimed directly at the eating habits of poor people!"
"Well, now, getting deeper into the argument I didn't make," Selmelpelwelee said, "I would say that Timbits are the gateway doughnut that lead people to a 20 Krispy Kreme a day habit. And, when users don't get their sugar fix, they can turn violent, which affects all of us."
"Oh, please!" token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam appeared barely able to contain her contempt (although it may have just been gas). "Have you ever seen somebody eating Timbits? They sit around giggling and talking about hockey! You cannot imagine anybody less boring! Really! How many otherwise innocent people are rotting in Vesampuccerian jails just because they craved a little sugar? Meanwhile, the Doughnut Enforcement Agency is responsible for destroying more lives than doughnut lord Tim Horton ever did. It's unconscionable!"
Then, token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam said, "I need a snort of cocaine!" and hung up.