by NAOMI WOLGREEKLEISTEIGAN, Alternate Reality News Service Feminism Writer
"According to new government regulations," the doctor reluctantly tells you, "I must inform you that if you insist upon having an abortion, your breasts will fall off."
"If you insist upon having a vile, evil disgusting innocent baby-killing abortion procedure that will cause you to burn in hell for eternity, your breasts will fall off" the woman sitting in a chair next to his desk cheerfully corrects him.
"Yeah," your doctor miserably says. "That."
This is not an exaggeration (well, except, maybe, the part about the size of the doctor's - ahem - nose); it is actually happening in hospitals, clinics and drive-in whisky bars across the nation. Six months ago, the government approved the Support for Mothers of Unborn Children That in No Way Affects Roe v. Wade, No, No, Not in the Least Act. The act requires doctors to read a list of government approved talking points to any woman who is pregnant, thinks she might be pregnant or could possibly become pregnant at some time in the future.
"Man, this job is killing me!" moaned token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam, banging a hairy blue fist on her desk for emphasis. "There are lots of smart people in this country - can't you find somebody else to comment on this?"
We pointed out that most smart people in Vesampucceri don't want to go anywhere near politics these days, adding that it was nonetheless important to get a balancing point of view for our article. With a sigh, token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam said, "Okay. Look. The scientific evidence conclusively proves that abortions don't cause women's breasts to fall off. Even the Association of Women's Breasts Falling Off has issued reports that show that this idea is not true, and, if anybody would support it, you would think it would be them!"
Other things doctors are mandated by law to tell their pregnant patients include:
Token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam responded: "No, no, ewww and no!" When we asked her why she looked so queasy, she said it was the thought of fetuses on a stage performing Shakespeare. Putting it that way, we dropped our professional journalistic detachment and joined her in her queasiness. That's an image that's gonna stay with us! After several minutes of passing the waste basket back and forth, token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam asked, "If what the Custodial Administration is claiming about fetuses is true, why do we remember none of it after we are born?"
"Birth trauma," Vesampuccerian Secretary of the Unborn Rosalie Elemenohpee responded.
To ensure that doctors comply with the law, a representative of the newly mandated Custodial Administration must sit in the doctor's office at all times. "We had hoped that wouldn't be necessary," said Secretary Elemenohpee. "But, left to their own devices, we found that doctors don't follow the script. They say stuff. Illegal stuff. You know, facts and stuff. Well, we can't have that!"
"But, we haven't changed Roe v. Wade," she added, "so, that's all right, then."
In its first six months, the Custodial Administration has hired over one million Vesampuccerians. "Okay, sure," said Speaker of the House John Boehnanbachblisscrap, "so, now the Act is a job creation plan. If people buy that, it works for me."
"But, we haven't changed Roe v. Wade," he added, "so, that's all right, then."
Why has the White House agreed to this? "It wouldn't have been bipartisan if we hadn't agreed to it," explained President Barry W. Bushbamclintreagbush. Before anybody could even scratch their heads over that, he added: "Besides, if we didn't pass the Act, Speaker Boehnanbachblisscrap would cry, and I hate to see anybody sad."
"But, we haven't changed Roe v. Wade," he added, "so, that's all right, then."
The President would hate to see anybody sad? What about women who are emotionally coerced with false or misleading information to have children they don't want? What about their – oh. Right. He doesn't have to see it.
But, they haven't changed Roe v. Wade. They've made it virtually impossible for women to choose to have an abortion, but the procedure is still legal. So, that's all right, then.