by MIHALY CSIKSZENTMIHALYI, Alternate Reality News Service Interstellar Travel Writer
They arrive with nothing but the space suit on their backs and a song in their hearts. They come fleeing all the modern horrors: war, famine, Michael Buble albums. They want nothing more than to start over, to make a new life, to hear real music and get that darned Buble song out of their hearts.
And, Vesampuccerians won't let them.
Reduhblican Representative Michele Bachturnovmanive has introduced a bill in the House that would erect a wall above the entire country for the purpose of keeping illegal immigrants, primarily from Urth, out. The airborne wall would, of course, have huge sliding doors to allow planes and rockets to land and take off, as well as small sliding doors to periodically vent trapped heat and carbon dioxide and stuff.
You can't say she hasn't clearly thought through all of the details.
"Some Urthers are decent, hard-working people," Representative Bachturnovmanive told an appreciatively booing and hissing crowd, "but most of them are the scum of the Urth, and it's about time we stopped their infestation of our country! I mean, our border is so porous that you could use it as a cream to soften your skin!"
"A wall above the entire country wouldn't work, would be too expensive and would force parents to raise their own children," President Barry W. Bushbamclintreagbush commented on the proposal. "Otherwise, I think that there is a lot of merit in the plan, and I look forward to working with the Reduhblicans to find a way to get it off the ground."
The President paused for thought, then added, "In as many senses of the phrase as are applicable."
Representative Bachturnovmanive claimed that if the country started building little clear plastic walls above the border with Canada immediately, the Strategic Defense against Immigration Initiative (SDII) would only take two or three thousand years to complete. "Screw the moon programme," she commented. "This is a project than can inspire Vesampuccerians for 100 generations!"
At the sound of the border dog-whistle, Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harpomurlever expressed unreserved support for the project: "(Our people would still be able to cross the border freely, right? RIGHT? Good.) I'm all for it(, then)."
The SDII has been dubbed "Store Wars" because of a dubious connection to the film of that name. "Not that dubious," stated film critic Roger Ebeedshalmaltael. "Store Wars is about the battle between the evil MultiMaxiMegaMart and the plucky fighters of Mom and Pop Inc. for retail supremacy in a galaxy long ago but not as far away as you might like to think. Isn't the connection obvious? No? Man, cinematic literacy in this country has really gone into the toilet! Okay, look, there is a character in the film named Michelle Bachturnovmanive. Is that parallel clear enough for you? Man, sometimes it's like my voice box is talking to itself!"
Public reaction to the proposed wall was largely favourable.
"They take jobs away from honest, hard working Vesampuccerians," said construction shirker Larry Bedredheadlamrock. "Not only that, but the lazy Urth bastards suck the welfare system dry! Glenn Eckicksteinbedeck said both things on the idiot box, so I know they must be true!"
"They...look weird," stated domestic engineer (nee: housewife) Mona Mondirianda. "All that pale white flesh - it's like god didn't love them enough to give them proper blue skin pigmentation. And, what's with the extra digit on their hands and their feet? What does anybody need a fifth finger for, anyway? I mean, they don't even have the grace to have a third eye! Urthers - they just don't fit in with proper people."
"I had a buddy, once, who lived on the same floor as an Urther family," said Blue Power Activist Jurgen Fraubluchmeinherring. "Man, they breed like rabbis! Not only that, but they make weird food that smells disgusting. One time, they had to evacuate a whole floor of my friend's apartment building because an Urther had made something called 'beef stew!'"
Token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam moaned, "This is what you want me to respond to? Really?" She looked haggard, like she had just barely survived a terrible ordeal. So, naturally, we told her that yes, this really was what we wanted her to respond to.
"Okay," token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam gamely rallied herself. "In order: Urth immigrants take jobs Vesampuccerians aren't willing to do, like cleaning out bafflerhog sties or picking tursnips. They share virtually all the same DNA that we do - the colour of their skin is irrelevant. Their pinkie fingers are vestigial and don't really do very much. Just like our third eye, as a matter of fact. Funny how the people who are most vocally opposed to Urth immigrants are also the ones who support big families...when they're the ones who are breeding. And, have you ever tried beef stew? I know it sounds disgusting, but once you get over the smell it's actually pretty tasty."
"So...very...tired," she added. "Please, may I go and rest now?"