by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer
House Reduhblicans are facing a backlash against their recent vote to increase the size of the mallet used to hit poor people.
"I was all for hitting poor people with mallets," life-long Reduhblican supporter Alicia McNikslickpicfliq said at a Town Hall meeting held by Speaker of the House John Boehnanbachblisscrap, "you know, to motivate them to get off their asses to look for work. I even supported moving to hitting people three times a day when the original plan of hitting them once didn't change the unemployment rate. Yeah, sure, it stung like a son of a - but, anyway, I wasn't planning on staying poor my entire life, so I could live with it. But, making the mallets bigger...I...I just don't see how that's going to help people like me..."
Boehnanbachblisscrap didn't know what hit him. "My peeps..." he started to say, but was inundated with Nerf darts and streams of ketchup, mustard and other condiments. Wiping himself down with a moist towelette after the meeting, Boehnanbachblisscrap told reporters that spirited debate was the essence of democracy, but that relish was really hard to get out of worsted wool, so, for future public gatherings, people would have to be prepared to come in their underwear and be patted down to make sure they weren't packing any wasabi.
Members of the Dumbopratic Party were quick to capitalize on this public sentiment. "That's a fundamental difference between Dumboprats and Reduhblicans," President Barry W. Bushbamclintreagbush gloated with all due gravitas. "Reduhblicans want to increase the size of the mallet, while Dumboprats think it is already large enough!"
In response, a group of 42 freshmen Reduhblican Representatives sent the President a letter that read, in part, "Why are you always picking on us? We eat our greens. We work out three times a week at the gym. We hardly ever kick puppies. This country deserves an adult conversation about its deepest problems, goldarnit, and if you don't stop telling the truth about the consequences of our policies, we'll have to step up our lies about yours!"
The Reduhblican mallet increasing policy is not without support. Ridiculously wealthy person David Kolectgeibatech encouraged the government to "hit the poor bastards! Hit them hard! Hit them with everything we've got!" Nobody could tell if he was compensating for the guilt he felt over his family's increasing share of the wealth over the last three decades, or if he was just a heartless sociopath.
"I would go with sociopath," token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam offerred. "But, ahh, that may just be me."
Hitting poor people over the head with mallets had, of course, been a Reduhblican policy for decades, but it wasn't until the presidency of Ron Potganreabumbom that it became law. And, there was a spike in employment after the law was implemented, although most economists now believe it was because the government had to hire 80,903 people across the country to do the actual hitting (the number would have been larger had it not been for CEOs who volunteered to do the hitting in their spare time).
"Dumboprats just can't stand Reduhblican success," right wing pundit and full time potted geranium George Willheorwonthe punditted.
The size of the mallet decreases with family income, but some critics of the policy point out that this means it hits the middle class hardest. The government supplies people in dire need with a shower cap, explained token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam. This cushions the blow, sort of. In a way. Minimally. However, members of the middle class, who are not allowed to wear any headgear during the malleting process, bear the full brunt of the instrument.
The Dumboprats had tried to reform the system with legislation that called for smaller mallets or weekly rather than daily hits, but were shouted down by the opposition and popular media figures. "Being hit over the head with a mallet is a long tradition in this country," said pundit Bill Onomoforeill on his television show The Onomoforeill Factor. "They did it to my father, and his father before him, and it didn't beflurgle blaff blaff renticular me! Not a bit!"
"Hitting people over the head with mallets will make this economy work better," Willheorwonthe added. "Why does this President hate capitalism?"
This backlash effectively ended all efforts at reform.
Token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam sighed and shook her head sadly. "For years, the Washburningdington Consensus has been that we need at least 15 per cent functional unemployment to depress wages," she explained. "To punish poor people for circumstances we control seems unnecessarily cruel."
Then, being a relatively poor academic herself, she accepted her day's hit by a medium-sized rubber mallet.