by INDIRA CHARUNDER-MACHARRUNDEIRA, Alternate Reality News Service Literature Writer
The last thriller from internationally popular writer Robert Eric Amblum, Kabul Killshot, has finally been written and is set for a spring release, even though he has been dead for over seven years. And, despite some of the more lurid claims in the tabloid press, it only killed three other writers before it was completed.
"Fans of superspy Mookie Mulroy should rejoice!" exclaimed Marilyn Desbart, editor at Plaid Vulture Press, the publisher of Amblum's books. "You're finally going to get your hands on the adventure that it seemed god himself didn't want you to read!"
"I'm alive! I'm alive! I'm a-li-ha-ha-ha-hive!" exulted Kindred Modrean, the writer who finished the novel.
At the time of Amblum's death of old age at 45, the only elements of Kabul Killshot that existed were some notes on cocktail napkins and the opening paragraph: "After the anarchy in Avila, Mookie was vacationing in the south of north when a penguin in a nearby car was inhaled, causing him to spill his mojito all over his suit. He had paid a lot of money for that suit, and, now, somebody was going to pay to have it cleaned!"
"Another publisher may have given up on the novel," Desbart stated, "but I had faith in the fifteen million copies that had been sold of the first 27 Mookie Mulroy novels, so I hired Nominal Frederickson to wri - err, finish writing it."
Frederickson had sold nine million copies of his own series of 12 Aldo Hoaxley and Moira McFakers gentleperson thief detective novels, so the choice seemed to make sense. Unfortunately, he was only able to write four chapters and an afterword before he was killed in a drone attack on a terrorist stronghold in Pakistan.
"I never quite understood that," Desbart said, "considering that he was living in Calgary at the time. Still, we made a protest to the American embassy, so we expect never to have closure on the issue."
A few months later, it was announced that Alison Pil-Vox would finish the novel. Pil-Vox had her own successful career as a writer of literary-sci fi-urban-vampire-erotica-undersea novels. Six months and five chapters later, Pil-Vox was found dead in her basement loft apartment. Her corpse appeared so serene, nobody could figure out how her heart, spleen and pituitary gland had found their way into her icebox.
Around this time, the novel began to develop something of a reputation. The New York Times Obituary Supplement called Kabul Killshot "the novel that ended 1,000 literary careers." The tabloid News of the Daily World called it the "death novel." If you've been paying attention to the article so far, you know which description captured the literary world's imagination.
Owing to the adverse publicity, finding a reputable author to complete Kabul Killshot became increasingly difficult, so Phil Fichtner was chosen for the task. Fichtner was famous in the literary community for having written a novel that had been rejected by every single publisher in the United States. "Even the smallest and most obscure publishing houses wouldn't go near it," Desbart pointed out. "You have to respect that kind of tenacity."
Unfortunately, Fichtner disappeared after having completed only four paragraphs. Police currently consider his status: missing, presumed irrelevant.
Modrean was called in to clean up the details of Kabul Killshot, which meant writing three quarters of the book. At the time he was enlisted to finish it, Modrean was a third year Uncreative Writing major at a Latvian University that would prefer not to be identified.
As the number of authors grew, the size of the type of their names on the cover shrank, but Modrean claimed that he okay with this. "I'm alive!" he shouted. "Who cares what kind of credit I get? At least I'm alive to enjoy it!"
When he was asked why he agreed to finish the novel knowing what had happened to the writers who had worked on it before him, Modrean sobered a little and replied, "Mookie Mulroy is one of the great characters of modern fiction. You have to respect that. And, the fifteen million copies of the 27 books in the series - you really have to respect that!"
"Is Kabul Killshot any good?" Desbart mused. "It's a Frankenstein, if you want the truth. And, I'm not referring to the novel, I'm referring to the monster! But, who cares? It's a new Robert Eric Amblum novel! Want to join the company pool on how long it stays on the New York Times Obituary Supplement's bestsellers list?"
When he was asked what his next project would be, Modrean answered, "I've been thinking about writing a novel about a novel that kills the people who try to write it. I've made a lot of notes, and I have a killer first - urk - a killer first para - aaaargh!"
Modrean dropped dead in the middle of the interview. The coroner's preliminary finding is that he choked to death on a fat piece of irony.
"The sudden and unexpected death of Kindred Modrean is a blow to the publishing industry," Desbart stated, "and, I'm sure, some sectors of the reading public, as well. But, he left us a tremendous legacy: the opening line of a novel and some notes. Would anybody like to finish this project? Anybody? Please? Anybody?"