by HAL MOUNTSAUERKRAUTEN, Alternate Reality News Service Crime Writer
Simon Twaddlyinghamme-Bonne III inherited his father's voice, looks and gold-plated croquet mallet collection, but he did not inherit the man's ability to control people by prefacing commands with the phrase, "Simon says..." As they die off and the age of Simons winds down while the criminal investigations heat up, this is probably for the best.
Twaddlyinghamme-Bonne III's father, Simon Twaddlyinghamme-Bonne II, is a case in point (sharp, but with an aftertaste of used mouthwash): he died a week tomorrow serving an 80 year sentence at Will Ryker's Island for sexual assault after it was discovered that he had Simoned for himself a harem of concubines.
"This proved to be a low point for SimoNation," historian Alexander Pollifax gloated. (He will be disciplined by the Society for Mundane Anachronism's Board of Snoopiness for conduct unbecoming a dispassionate chronicler of the past.)
According to court transcripts, Twaddlyinghamme-Bonne II would meet a woman in a bar, laundromat or pachinko beauty parlour and whisper those words no woman ever wants to hear: "Simon says: follow me home and sleep with me." When the evening was over, he would say, "Simon says: go home and forget everything that happened from just before we met."
"It was almost the perfect crime," signed Detective Simon Machete, a member of Boston's famed Swinging Simons Squad. "But, there's always a fatal flaw in a criminal's plans - sort of like in a Greek tragedy, but without the sense of outdoor inevitability."
Twaddlyinghamme-Bonne II kept videos of the women he had sex with. This was not, however, the fatal flaw in his plan. One afternoon, he made the mistake of taking home paper clips from Christie Queen Gardner Doyle & Partners, the private investigations and public remonstrations firm he worked for; when this was discovered, an investigation into the possibility that he was embezzling from the company was initiated.
"It starts with paper clips," said Christie Queen Gardner Doyle & Partners CEO Simon Christie Queen Gardner Doyle, "and it ends with jumbo jets."
As it happened, he hadn't embezzled anything, so that wasn't the fatal flaw in Twaddlyinghamme-Bonne II's plans, either. Forgetting that the company had legal access to his computers wasn't it. The fact that they found the sex videos wasn't it. The fact that one of them showed him having sex with the wife of the CEO of the company wasn't it. The fact that the CEO was also a Simon, and, therefore, could not be Simon saysed into forgetting the whole thing - that was the fatal flaw in the plan (which, admittedly, by this time was more a series of frantic improvisations than an actual plan).
By the time Twaddlyinghamme-Bonne II came to trial, the justice system had learned how to deal with Simons. A gag order had been placed on him (literally - he had to communicate to the court by playing Charades, just one more example of life aspiring to the condition of Python). When he was found guilty, he was sent to the Helen Keller So Maximum It Would Take Your Breath Away Security Prison, where the guards are immune to being Simoned because, of course, they wear garlic around their ears.
No, okay, it's because they're deaf. I...I thought I might be able to cash in on the current vampire cra - well, it's not important what I thought. The guards were deaf - that's the relevant point here.
While the reaction from the part of the public that wasn't glued to the season finale of Woodworking with the Stars (Chloe Kardashian attempted to make a birdhouse!) was one of revulsion, that emotion wasn't universally shared. Members of the Simons Don't Have to Sez: We Love Them Anyway message board argued that Twaddlyinghamme-Bonne II's actions were a fantasy for many men, a fantasy that they would make into reality if they had his power.
squiddlyburger37: yeah!
mansonmansion: damn straight!&
imnotwiththeseguys1246: W@@t! W@@t! W@@t!
Okay, they didn't argue it well, but they argued it nonetheless.
"Really?" complained feminist and part-time paint stripper Simone de Boudoir. "You didn't include a single word from any of the victims, but you include quotes from frat boys who think having sex with a woman without her permission is cool?"
"I haven't been a member of a fraternity for over 30 years!" squiddlyburger37 responded.
"Aging frat boy. That's even worse!" de Boudoir insisted.
"Yeah, well," squiddlyburger37 added, "you're just pissed off that women named Simone, Simona or Marybeth-Simon didn't get Simon powers!"
de Boudoir's face reddened as she shouted: "The universe is fundamentally sexist!"
Interview Twaddlyinghamme-Bonne II's victims for this article? Yeah, we probably should have done that. Only...umm...only, it was not possible to interview any of Twaddlyinghamme-Bonne II's victims for this article because they were not identified in court, using pseudonyms such as Jane Doe, Janet Doe, Janetta Doe, Janiqua Doe, and so on. I was going to ask sexual assault victims' advocate Simone de Boudoir to share her opinions about the case, but that kind of took care of itself.
"It's a horrible power, one that I'm glad I didn't get," commented Twaddlyinghamme-Bonne III. "I prefer to exercise power the old-fashioned way: inheriting tons of money and lording it over people!"