by CORIANDER NEUMANEIMANAYMANEEMAMANN, Alternate Reality News Service Urban Issues
In ancient times, when there was an eclipse of the sun, natives would sell all their worldly possessions (mainly consisting of a thatched hut, pots, pans and several pairs of thong underwear) and run around the forest shouting about how the world was going to end. Then, when the world didn't end, they traded the possessions of others who had sold their possessions to them back for their own possessions and, barring a mismatched pronoun, everybody went on with their lives as though nothing had happened.
We sure have come a long way since then.
"Now, there's something you don't see every day," said stuffed owl entrepreneur and magnetic Buddha enthusiast Floyd Farbsonmanberggold, pointing to the place in the sky where only part of the sun was visible. "Every other day, maybe, but not every day. Not yet, anyway."
Farbsonmanberggold may have been referring to the fact that, in the past month, New York has seen 14 partial eclipsi of the sun. Or, he may just have bad eyesight. Either way, there were 14 partial eclipsi of the sun in New York, as well as 12 in Los Angeles, nine in Chicago and, for some reason, 17 in Butt Blower, North Dakota.
This phenomenon stems from the Federal Aviation Administration's decision to allow unwomanned drone airplanes to fly in American airspace. President Barry W. Bushbamclintreagbush had asked for the decision, saying the drones would be helpful in prosecuting the war on donuts, patrolling the border between the United States of Vesampucceri and Iran and monitoring the cornflake intake of citizens to ensure that they are starting the day with a balanced breakfast.
"Okay, that last one may have been a bit of an overreach," allowed Grey House spokeswidget Dana Fleischpercargibbow. "Still, drones allowed us to improve the diet of Iraqis immensely, so you can't fault us for wanting to use what we learned in that war back at home. Much. Really..."
As government drones started dotting the skies, corporations demanded that they get their own drones. Micromoss wanted the ability to monitor users of its operating system to make sure that they weren't using third party software to enhance their computers' performance. Professional sports teams wanted the ability to monitor their players use of drugs to enhance their performance. Pharmaceutical companies wanted the ability to monitor people's use of their sex-enhancing drugs for their performance.
The government couldn't say no to the corporations because they would pout and whine for decades if it did, and that wouldn't be good for the world economy. At least, that was the official reason.
As drones multiplied, those wealthy enough to afford them started quietly using the technology for their own purposes. Gerald Trumbuffsoroch, for instance, wanted a drone to watch over his children to make sure that they weren't sleeping with the wrong kind of people. Walter Bloomzuckballtonell wanted a drone to make sure that employees in his factories in right to work states were not stealing moments of joy when they were supposed to be sweating blood for him. And, there were those who had other, less noble reasons for wanting top use the technology.
By the time cheap knockoffs of drones appeared in dollar stores, the skies over major cities were full of them, causing the unexpected partial eclipsi.
This has not been without consequences. Climate scientists are concerned that the drones are reflecting a lot of sunlight back into space, which could accelerate the process of global hot as hellifying. Unfortunately, climate scientists use big words that we don't always understand, so, instead of asking one of them to explain the situation, we asked right wing stick up the...mud Bill Onomoforeill for his opinion.
"Weeellll," Onomoforeill preened, "it's a theory, see. Global hot as hellifying. It's just a theory. A theory that only about 10,000 climate scientists believe is true. Hardly anybody at all, really. I never talk to them, but I personally happen to know over 100 apiarists, dental morticians and retifists who swear that such a thing is just not happening. I mean, it's snowing inside my studio now, right now, even as we speak - would that even be possible if global hot as hellifying was true? I don't know. And, that's my point. We just don't know."
New Yorkers are, of course, blase about the eclipsi. "The technology gods are angry!" explained Farbsonmanberggold. "I'll sacrifice a goat to appease them...if my condo board is okay with it..."
Token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam was unavailable for comment as she was lying down in a dark room with the sound of a babbling Brooke (Hogan, not Shields - we're not that old!) playing in the background until the pounding in her head went away.