by ENGELBERT HUMPERFLAPDOODLEPUSS, Alternate Reality News Service Excrement Writer
What is the one thing that all living creatures have in common? No, it's not mitochondrial reproduction. It's not reverse mortgaging their homes in order to stiff their ungrateful children of their inheritance (although this is very popular with the lower primates), either. It's certainly not falling in love. (Cole Porter should be ashamed of himself for propagating that little bit of misinformation!)
It's excrement. Everything poops.
The rare Indonesian rattleferret poops crackers in the shape of the Lunar Excursion Module from Apollo moon missions 11, 12, 15 and 17; Rick Santorum farts Bible quotes; frogs in the wilds of the Brooklyn zoo poop zirconium cubes; a Samoan tribe that was too otiose for Margaret Mead to study have since been discovered that poops what appear to be orange popsicles (not that anybody is tempted to lick them to find out for sure...); the Lennon Lizard of equatorial Yukon poops strawberries; Doris Day pooped sunshine; the African budgie fish found in Lake Huron poops liquid 1040 tax forms, and; so much more.
The vast diversity of nature is truly a thing to behold. You might not want to smell it, but it sure is worth beholding.
Given the universality of the excrementory process, one (who, in this case, is Arnold Grelbner, an itinerant hacky sack catalogue distributor from Kenosha, Nova Scotia) would have thought human enginuity (the ability to come up with ideas for new car motors) would have found a purpose for this seemingly infinitely renewable resource (other than giving sewer systems a reason for existing, of course). One would have been wrong. And, all the other numbers who agreed with one.
Until now.
Scientists at the B. A. Mensch Institute of Yucky Research in Osaka, Japan (yes, the real Osaka - don't look so surprised!) have developed technologies that can analyze a person's excrement and determine if the person has any health problems. "With apologies to Arnold Grelbner, the path through our digestive tract is a very informative one," explained Salmon Fujiwada, lead Poopologist at the Mensch Institute. "We have long known the diagnostic possibilities inherent in - please pardon the scientific jargon - deep doodoo. What our researchers were able to do was synthesize this knowledge and use it to develop a technology that could accurately analyze poop at its source: the toilet."
The toilet? Wow. What will they think of next?
The Toodle Loo, named after junior researcher Mongo Sakayami's second wife, uses a vacuum system to suck waste out of the toilet. It then passes through a series of tubes that conduct sophisticated medical diagnostic tests on it before being flushed into the sewers. When the user flushes the toilet, it connects with their Shitkicker Sam App (which, to save some users' delicate sensibilities, doubles as a Street Fighter clone). When the tests have been completed, the information on the person's health is then sent to the app.
Trial use of the Toodle Loo has been set up in New York and Los Angeles because -
"WHAT!" exclaimed National Association of Vaguely Worded Press Denunciations Vice President in Charge of Bean Dip Eleanor Bronte. "First, they take our employment away, leaving us with crap jobs, then they want to analyze our crap! Is nothing sacred any more? Why do you think bowels have movements? Because they move us! Emotionally! The elimination of doodie is such a personal, such a private thing, and to have it subjected to such sterile technological analysis is -"
Because of reactions like that.
"The Mensch Institute does research on the cutting edge of grossness," Fujiwada stated. "That doesn't mean that the Japanese people are willing to be our guinea pigs. And, speaking of guinea pigs, did you know that they excrete -"
Sorry, but that paragraph has sailed.
"My apologies, Captain." Fujiwada argued that the health benefits of Toodle Loo technology were too important to allow skeptics to capsize. Capsize? Well, some nautical metaphor for disaster, in any case. "From the moment a child is toilet trained, we can monitor him, her or toaster oven for the markers of a variety of diseases. The implications for early detection and treatment of illnesses could revolutionize health care!"
The drug industry sat up and took notice.
"But, but, but," Bronte sputtered, "think about the privacy implications! Do you really want the government to have access to analyses of your rectal discharges? Your dentist? The high school Glee Club? The high school Glee Club's dentist? Don't you know that this is just the kind of information the Clipper Chip was designed to allow the government to secretly access? I, for one, don't want -"
"Eww! What the hell was that?" Bronte and Fujiwada said in unison, even though they were interviewed separately.
Sorry about that. I had chili for lunch.
After 37 years on the Alternate Reality News Service's Excrement beat, Engelbert Humperflapdoodlepuss can finally officially retire having written his first article.