by CORIANDER NEUMANEIMANAYMANEEMAMANN, Alternate Reality News Service Urban Issues/Labour Writer
It's always an inside job.
According to Valencia von - of course, I meant that rhetorically. It isn't always an inside job. If it was always an inside job, the Necromanticops would have a perfect arrest and conviction record, and, although I run the risk of being put under the Sorrowful Stutterer of Cycorix spell, I have to report that their actual - not fantasy - record is far from perfect.
According to Valencia von Vavoom, Necromanticop Order of Oak Leaf Cluster with Almonds, it's always an inside job. "And, when I say it's always an inside job," she said, "I really mean that the recent rash of thefts was an inside job. I couldn't say all thefts were an inside job, because I haven't worked every single theft since the Necromanticop Corps was created. That would be the logical fallacy known as ‘Ego Inflated Absolutism,' and our Sergeant warned us all not to fall for it."
Thirteen burglaries have taken place in North York in the last six months, 17 on Evanston Drive alone. In each case, the burglars passed by traditional riches and took only items of magical myth and mayhem.
"I have a priceless collection of Sergio Aragones prints," said Monolith Travel agent Merlin Farfisa. "Yet, the thieves only took the Spurling Staff of Stiffness. Okay, touching your enemies with it and turning them into living statues for 23 seconds is fun the first dozen times you do it - my daughter used it to teach the bullies in her school a lesson - it was one of those ‘I'm proud of you even though I have to punish you' moments that parents of witches frequently have - but, seriously! It's not like Triple S was a fearsome weapon of fulmination!"
"Sorry," Farfisa added. "When you're talking about magic, it's hard not to break out in alliteration."
I know the feeling.
Another resident of the area, MultiMaxiMegaMart franchisee and part-time cat confuser Gandalf Greygoatee, had a similar story. "I have a priceless collection of Sergio Aragones prints," Greygoatee began. "Yet -"
"No, you don't," I quickly corrected him. "I said you had a similar story, not an exactly the same story."
"Oh, right." Greygoatee shook his head and continued. "What I actually have is a 1927 Bugati Braille Taser L in perfect running condition. When I was robbed last month, it wasn't touched. Instead, the thieves took The Amulet of Rah, which makes bystanders to magical duels cheer you on. The amulet dates back to at least 12th century England, when the dreaded Noth the Playbringer would invoke its power to force local populations to enjoy his poorly written and indifferently acted touring theatrical productions. The bastard! Still, it's not like it had the power to...I don't know...create a plague or anything."
There was no sign of forced entry at any of the crime scenes, which led the Necromanticops to believe that the robberies were an inside job. A little digging revealed that all of the robbed houses had security systems installed by the same company: Spurious Security and Sandwiches, Inc.
"The name of the company should have been a big clue," von Vavoom stated.
"Wait a minute! Wait just a minute!" protested Edgar "Headgear" K. C., current Mage-in-Chief of Spurious Security and Sandwiches, Inc. "It was named after the company's founder, Sterling S. Spurious! He was a pioneer of enchantment security technologies...for his time. Can we be blamed for wanting a little historical continuity in our company's name?"
Close examination of the Spurious Security and Sandwiches, Inc. home protection systems by forensic necromancers showed that they were installed with a back door. This is a supernatural subroutine of stealthiness that would allow anybody who knew that it was there to bypass the system and enter the house without being detected by security scrying glasses.
"Okay, umm, yeah. Sure. Without admitting to guilt or innocence, I guess we could be blamed for that..." K. C. admitted.
Since the Magical Objects Protection Act (MOPA) was passed, anything more powerful than a Stafford Staff of Sniffling had to be registered with the government and stored in a bank vault while not in use. Because of this, only the most minor magical objects are allowed to be kept in people's homes. It is estimated that the value of the stolen objects was nowhere near what the installation of the security systems brought in.
"Yeah, well, it's true what my Sergeant always says, isn't it?" von Vavoom pointed out. "Criminals are basically stupid. If they weren't, they could be making more money - a lot more money, actually - selling mortgage-backed securities to international investors. But, there you are - some people are just not smart enough to make their money honestly."