by SASKATCHEWAN KOLONOSCOGRAD, Alternate Reality News Service Philosophy writer
For the third year in a row, the MultiNatCorp Prize for Most Humble American didn't get a single entry.
"Well, in fact, we got three entries," commented competition curator Diablo Codify. "But they all had to be disqualified."
Myra Frickert of Modesktop, California, wrote, "Well, obviously, you might as well close the competition right now! I don't mean to brag, but I have to be the most humble American in America. I mean, I'm so humble, I practically fade into the linoleum! Everybody tells me I should toot my own horn more, but I respond, 'Can't. Too humble!' And, we all laugh and dribble chocolate from our eclairs down our chins and onto our fabulous Joan Vaccianna jumpsuits! But, seriously, there's no point in continuing the contest. You have found the most humble person in America: me. Me! Me me me me me me me me! Myra Frickert. Meeeeeeeeee!"
"Somebody was a little unclear on the concept," Codify dryly commented.
A second entry, from a man who preferred to remain anonymous, began, "Oh, you might as well tell everybody that I'm Johnny Moptop of Fracktart Falls, New Jersey. It's not like they won't recognize my story from the papers. Yeah, I'm that Johnny Moptop, the guy whose wife ran over the family dog with the family sedan which she drove into a ditch when she finally left me for her lover, a well known Republican congresswoman, which I didn't discover for several days because the television in our bedroom exploded, causing a fire that burned down the house, including the note from my wife explaining what a loveless sham our marriage had been since a week before we even met each other and..."
"Somebody else was differently unclear on the concept," Codify commented with a dreamy sort of wonder, "but, if we ever have a contest to see who the Most Humiliated American is, I will strongly suggest that Mister Fracktart apply."
The third contestant was disqualified because of his novel use of a trenchcoat, as demonstrated in a series of increasingly disturbing images on Flickr.
"What I wasn't expecting," Codify loosely, but with an unexpected aplomb (unexpected mostly because of the mouth-curdling sweetness of the cherry sauce), commented, "was the level of vitriol that this year's contest attracted."
Codify shared some of the comments received by @HumblestAmerican with me. They included:
@illiterate&proud Yo, bitch! This is America were talkin bout! ain't nothing humble about it!
@getoffmyplanetbysunset Yo, bitch! i'll b humble when we let Iran go nukuler!
@mosphericdisturbance Yo, bitch! Humility couldn't arise out of natural selection, since it has a negative correlation to genetic survival.
@mac&cheesypoofs Yo, bitch! Americans don't do humble! Maybe you should try this shit in France or some such place!!!
@mosphericdisturbance btw, I used the term "bitch" recently in a non-gender specific way as a generic salutation. No outrage, please.
"Look," Codify defensively commented, "in any population, there has to be somebody who is the most 'whatever.' The most handsome. The most depressed because his wife ran over the family dog with the family sedan which she drove into a ditch when she finally left him for – sorry. Bad example. The most...aardvarkish. Having a contest to find the most humble American isn't a reflection on the population. For all we know, the most humble American may be less humble than the least humble Luxembourger. With Cheesy Poofs. That wouldn't change the fact that he was the most humble American! Do the demographics!"
I wondered if there might not be a contradiction in asking a humble person to apply for an honour. Wouldn't that be like asking a person who is on fire to pose for an ad about how dry a deodorant keeps you? Before she had to go to the hospital with third degree burns, I mean.
Apparently, I wondered this out loud, for Codify responded with the comment: "No." After a moment's reflection, she commentally added: "No, it's not."
I suggested that naming the contest after the largest corporation in this quadrant of the Milky Way might be sending a mixed message to potential entrants.
"I don't think so," Codify shrugged commentatively. "I mean, as Ned Feeblish, Vice President, First Impressions and Adverse Publicity Suppressions, explained it to me, MultiNatCorp's the most humble largest corporation in this quadrant of the galaxy. That's got to count for something, right?"
I refrained from comment.
Given this year's experience, will there be a Most Humble American competition next year?
"I hope so," Codify commentated all over her linoleum iPad. "I really do hope so. But, if there is, we should probably do a better job of explaining it to the American people!"