The Alternate Reality News Service (Earth 002) is proud to announce that it has won a Best Editing in a High Heels Dress Multiverse and Environs News Association Award (Mena) for the article "The 10 Thousand Names of Dog." This seemed like a good opportunity to get Editrix-in-Chief Brenda Brundtland-Govanni to talk a little bit about how the Alternate Reality News Service works.
At first, Brundtland-Govanni was reluctant to be interviewed (if you could characterize threatening to rip our lungs out and, just for kicks, put a dimmer switch on the iron lung we would have to live in as a result as "reluctant"). However, Brenda Brundtland-Govanni from the Earth 007 branch of the Alternate Reality News Service met with her on the pretext of improving communications between the two universes (which had been Ice Agey since the Sevartian Noodle incident on B Minor), and managed to tie Brundtland-Govanni 002 down long enough to get the following wide-ranging interview:
BRENDA BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI 002: You know, once I get out of these ropes, I will make you pay for this, right?
BRENDA BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI 007: You would do that to yourself?
BRENDA BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI 002: Wouldn't you?
BRENDA BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI 007: If it was me, I would already have started sucking your spleen out of your nose with a straw.
BRENDA BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI 002: I like the way you think.
BRENDA BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI 007: It's the way you think.
BRENDA BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI 002: Exactly. (pause) Put that back!
BRENDA BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI 007: What?
BRENDA BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI 002: You just moved the Dawn of the Dead snow globe from one side of my desk to the other.
BRENDA BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI 007: I...I did?
BRENDA BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI 002: You see the blood splattering inside it? Oh, yeah. It was just moved.
BRENDA BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI 007: I - sorry, I...I didn't realize. I'll just - ahem. Don't change the subject, ferk it! I'm here to interview you.
BRENDA BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI 002: Okay. Sure. Bring it. Ask your questions. The longer you prolong this, the more delicious it will be when I can finally get my slapping gloves on.
BRENDA BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI 007: I've got slapping gloves, too, you know.
BRENDA BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI 002: Oh, bring it, bee-yotch-szay!
BRENDA BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI 007: Is that...Czechoslovakian?
BRENDA BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI 002: Sister, I am going to slap the ugly off of you and onto a passing turtle!
BRENDA BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI 007: Oh, yeah? I'll slap you so far into the future, you'll have to save the Eloi from the Morlocks!
BRENDA BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI 002: Nice classical science fiction reference.
BRENDA BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI 007: Thank you.
BRENDA BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI 002: But, it won't stop me from slapping you so hard your head will spin around so fast it could generate enough electricity to light up Brampton for a month!
BRENDA BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI 007: Oh, yeah? Well, I'll slap you so hard your head will spin around so fast it will actually go back in time!
BRENDA BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI 002: So, my head will actually be younger than my body?
BRENDA BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI 007: Talk about a lose-lose situation!
BRENDA BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI 002: Nicely played.
BRENDA BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI 007: Thank you. So, will you answer my questions, now?
BRENDA BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI 002: I make no promises.
BRENDA BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI 007: Fair enough. So, how does it feel to win the Mena?
BRENDA BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI 002: mumble mumble...don't have time to do a ferking interview...mumble mumble...so much editing to ignore...mumble mumble...eat goat cheese...
BRENDA BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI 007: Yeah, well, it's not like I don't have better things to do with my time, either. Welcome to my world.
BRENDA BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI 002: Actually, we're in my world.
BRENDA BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI 007: The interview hasn't even really started, and you're gonna go all literalist on my ass?
BRENDA BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI 002: Wait until the interview is over to see what I can do to your ass!
BRENDA BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI 007: That would be a form of self-abuse.
BRENDA BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI 002: You say tomato, I say hamburger garni - PUT THAT BACK RIGHT NOW!
BRENDA BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI 007: Hunh? Put what back?
BRENDA BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI 002: The Einstein relativity train/pencil sharpener goes to the left of the model guillotine, not to the right. Put it back!
BRENDA BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI 007: Sorry. I...I didn't realize...
BRENDA BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI 002: Madame Defarges and the other tricoteuses would not be amused!
BRENDA BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI 007: Oh, well, I wouldn't want to, uhh, disappoint...them...
PAUSE.
BRENDA BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI 007: Mikhail Lo-Fi, publisher of the Alternate Reality News Service across the dimensions, thought it would be a good idea to ask you how a story goes from idea to print reality. I'm not sure why he thought that was a good idea, but, here we are, so how about it?
BRENDA BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI 002: Sure. We have writers in a variety of dimensions who use their connections to ferret out stories. They pitch the stories they find to me and, if I think they will interest our readers, I give them the go-ahead. The writers interview a variety of people and boil the information they receive down to the essence of the story, which they write. I do a first edit of the story to ensure that all of the elements that will make it comprehensible to a reader are in place; if not, I ask the writer for a rewrite. Once the basics are in place, a copy editor does a second edit to make sure that the article's spelling and grammar are correct. Then, the editorial board and I decide which edition to place the story in and how much prominence it deserves. Finally, it goes to production to design the page it will appear on, and print the issue out.
BRENDA BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI 007: Really? That's really how it goes?
BRENDA BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI 002: PFAH! HA HA HA! Naah. We get an anonymous tip, the writer does as little work as possible to write a basic story about it, and I look it over to make sure it's in English and not too embarrassing to print before we print it!
BRENDA BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI 007: Oh. Ha ha. Very funny.
BRENDA BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI 002: Had you going, didn't I?
BRENDA BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI 007: Not, really.
BRENDA BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI 002: Just a little bit?
BRENDA BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI 007: I'm a professional. I don't -
BRENDA BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI 002: I had you going.
BRENDA BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI 007: Harrumph! Look, I...I'm sure our readers would like to know what your relationship with technical adviser Darren Clincker-Belli is.
BRENDA BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI 002: I have no relationship with Darren Clincker-Belli.
BRENDA BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI 007: You say that. And, yet, you did take him home to meet our mother...
BRENDA BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI 002: She insisted. And, she always gets her way. You know that. But, that doesn't mean I have a relationship with Darren Clincker-Belli.
BRENDA BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI 007: How do you think Darren would feel about the fact that you are denying dating him?
BRENDA BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI 002: He would be fine with it. Trust me, I am not dating Darren Clincker-Belli!
BRENDA BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI 007: Does Darren do your dishes?
BRENDA BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI 002: I AM NOT DATING DARREN CLINCKER-BELLI!
BRENDA BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI 007: If you say so. You were always the strongest of us at standing up to mom.
BRENDA BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI 002: You think?
BRENDA BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI 007: A word of advice: when you do give in and admit that you're dating him, you'll find that Darren has a thousand and one uses in the home...
BRENDA BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI 002: ISN'T THIS INTERVIEW SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT JOURNALISM?
BRENDA BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI 007: Are you willing to answer journalism questions, now?
BRENDA BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI 002: No. But I can deflect them more easil - PUT THAT BACK!
BRENDA BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI 007: What?
BRENDA BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI 002: The laser-guided letter opener! You moved it from the center front area of my desk to the left middle! That was a gift from Admiral Sklorzixxx of the Imaginary Generic Fleet for our reporting on the War of 2112!
BRENDA BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI 007: Can I help it if you don't know how to arrange objects on your desk?
BRENDA BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI 002: My desk! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine!
BRENDA BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI 007: (over her) Fine. I'll put it back. See? There. It's back.
BRENDA BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI 002: Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine!
BRENDA BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI 007: (over her) So, you've been reduced to incoherent word repetition by a few simple questions? That's so like me!
BRENDA BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI 002: Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mi - yes, we're more alike than I would care to admit.
BRENDA BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI 007: The Multiverse is a strange place.
BRENDA BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI 002: Indeed. So, have you exhausted all of your questions?
BRENDA BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI 007: I've barely scratched the surface.
BRENDA BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI 002: Oh. Sorry to have to do this to you, then.
BRENDA BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI 007: Brenda, don't you d -
BRENDA BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI 002: Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine!
BRENDA BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI 007: (over her) Oh, now, you're just milking it!
BRENDA BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI 002: Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine!
BRENDA BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI 007: (over her) Mikhail will not approve!
BRENDA BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI 002: Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine!
BRENDA BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI 007: (over her) THIS IS REALLY CHILDISH!
BRENDA BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI 002: Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine!
BRENDA BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI 007: (over her) ALRIGHT! ALRIGHT, ALREADY! I'VE GOT ENOUGH! THE INTERVIEW IS OVER!
BRENDA BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI 002: Mine! Mine! Mine! Mi - it's been a pleasure.
BRENDA BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI 007: The pleasure was all yours.
BRENDA BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI 002: Now, if you'll just untie these ropes...
This interview was conducted on Thursday, July 23rd. Unless it was Tuesday. Oh, you know, it was the day Mrs. Mott gave birth to her son Clamato. Wednesday, then.