by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer
President Barry W. Bushbamclintreagbush waded tits-deep into an international incident yesterday when he off-handedly commented, "You know, I have always liked falafel. I find it very tasty."
The Vespuccian/Utopian Amity Union and Fishmonger Redaction Working Group immediately sent out a press release condemning the President's statement. No shit: absolutely immediately. Seventeen seconds after the President finished his statement. The statement, signed by President Arnold Bazzfazzalcatraz, read, in part: "In making reference to food eaten predominantly by people living in Left Bank of Atlantis and the Erehwon Strip, the President is siding with the Floatheads against the Nordlingerites. I hope Vespuccian Nordlingerites will remember where his true loyalties lie in November!"
"Really? That's what you've got?" retorted Rachel O'schubermatthow on her nightly show. "Cause, I gotta tell you, as smears go, this would be poison on a bagel." O'schubermatthow pointed out that a wide variety of people in the Middle East enjoy falafels, and that singling one out for partisan gain in Vespuccian politics was just...weird.
This morning, President Bushbamclintreagbush's Press Secretary Jay Carginofleilos responded to the controversy: "Get a grip! Please, everybody! Grippen zie! The President was stating a culinary preference, not a position on international relations!"
"Well, of course the White House would want to squelch - yes, I said squelch, and, if I do say so myself, the word was well chosen - squelch the questions around the President's dietary predilections," commented right wing bloviator Glenn Eckicksteinbedeck. "First it was the hummus incident in January, then, last month, it was his comments about chick peas going well in salads. I mean, I mean, I mean, why doesn't he just come out and admit he admires Adolf Hitlinminjongpot?!"
"Umm, that's really over the top, don't you think?" asked Arnold Shutbamsheshotshit (no relation to token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam), part-time demo model and a member of the Justice for Floatheads Political Inaction Committee (PIC). "You can want justice for the Floatheads without being an anti-Nordlingerite."
"No you can't," Eckicksteinbedeck shot back.
"See, now, supporters of the State of Utopia use this really extreme rhetoric to shut down debate about the actions of the country's politicians," O'schubermatthow interjected. "I think there are legitimate questions about how the Utopian government oppresses the Floathead people that -"
"No, there aren't," Eckicksteinbedeck insisted.
"PEOPLE!" Carginofleilos interjected louder. "It wasn't an attempt to kickstart the peace process in the Middle East - it was just lunch!"
Nordlingerites and Floatheads both claim ownership of the land currently known as Utopia, with over 2,000 years of history to back each group's claims up. There is far too much history to recap here; those interested should look at the Utopia Wiwipedia page, then look at it again 10 minutes later for the other side's version of events.
"Whiney bitches!" Shutbamsheshotshit (I did mention that he was no relation to token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam, didn't ? - well, it bears repeating in this context) said. "They control the banks and the world government - you would have thought they would have cut the Left Bank of Atlantis some slack. I swear, the world would have been better off if they had been exterminated in World War II!"
"Aha! AHA!" Ahaed Bazzfazzalcatraz. "The truth comes out! You don't give a dried fig - a tasty food native to the region, by the way - about Floatheads! You're just a bigoted anti-Nordlingerite!"
"I said you can want justice for the Floatheads without being an anti-Nordlingerite," Shutbamsheshotshit commented. "I didn't say that was true of me..."
"I...I'm not connected to Arnold Shutbamsheshotshit," commented O'schubermatthow. "I just want to make that clear. He does not in any way speak for m -"
"You evil bastards don't give a shit about the Floatheads!" screeched - yes, I said screeched, and, if I do say so myself, the word was well chosen - Eckicksteinbedeck. "All you care about is the destruction of Utopia and the Nordlingerite people! Well, the Floatheads can all rot in hell as far as I'm concerned! The world would be better off if they were all exterminated!"
"Oh, umm, yeah," responded Bazzfazzalcatraz. "I'm a big fan of Glenn's show - when I can find it - but, uhh, sometimes he can go a bit too far, rhetoric-wise..."
As bad as the rhetorical conflict appears to be, token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam argued that it could have been worse: "The President could have waxed elephant about how much he likes Chinese food!"