by OLGA KRYSHTANOVSKAYA, Alternate Reality News Service Travel Writer
A Russian judge has refused to dismiss a class action suit against Zone Tours and Trinkets.
In his ruling, Judge Yevgeni Yevtigeniko of the Snootily Superior Court of Irkutsk wrote: "Why the hell not? I haven't had a case this interesting since the Iranian weasel infestation 12 years ago. Let's have some fun!"
"That's hardly a definitive opinion," said Molly Gruschenknikovitz, the owner of Zone Tours and Trinkets. "My lawyer says –"
"Oh, that's as definitive as it gets," Judge Yevtigeniko wrote, his lack of smiley faces suggesting a defensive tone. "I really haven't had a case this interesting in 12 years, and that was only because the Iranian weasels had mutated to the size of bears and were demanding to be allowed to run in civic elections!"
"That's not what I meant," Gruschenknikovitz bristled, making a :-( face. "My lawyer says that 'Let's have some fun!' is not a proper basis for moving ahead with a class action lawsuit! And, he got most of his law degree from Moscow University and Dental Appliance College, so you know he knows what he's talking about!"
Zone Tours and Trinkets' main business is sneaking tourists into the Zone, an area in the Russian heartland that has been closed to the public since something mysterious happened over a generation ago. Some people think an alien spacecraft crashed into the Zone, others think it's a place where cartoon characters live and make movies. Gruschenknikovitz' company advertises that, in the heart of the cleverly named Zone is a room, with the equally evocative name Room, in which a person's heart's desire will be fulfilled.
People who have taken the tour allege that this claim is a fraud.
"After three days of walking through a wasteland that makes downtown Pinsk look like war torn Minsk," said bicycle repair thief Eliazar Puschmischkinisch, "I was given a cup of borscht. It was heavenly borscht – the best borscht I have ever eaten. ;-) But, still, I was hoping for something more profound, like a golden throne, or a cure for my beloved Elishka's hacking cough. I swear, every time she tries to do anything the least bit interesting on the Internet –"
"Yeah, we done been ripped off," concurred Texas photocopier billionaire Rupert Glompers. "I ain't agonna tell ya what I wished for – any billionaire would know, and nobody else should know. :-0 Anyhoo, what I got was a yacht. Another one! I already got 12 of the goldurn thangs. Plus: I got no way of sneaking it past the armed guards an' out of the dang Zone. It's not like I can just put a yacht in my pocket and waltz through the checkpoint with a cheery 'Howdy, fellers!' now, is it?"
"Oh, and the trinkets in the gift shop?" Glompers added. "Rocks. I'm supposed ta be impressed?"
"That's ridiculous! ~~:-(" Gruschenknikovitz fumed. She explained that there was a clause in the company's contract which states that dreams that clients consciously hold may, without notice, be replaced in the Room by dreams clients unconsciously hold. "It's just before the clause that relieves us for responsibility for any change in worldview a client may experience as a result of spending time in the Zone," she said, "and after the clause reminding clients to check their pockets before leaving the Zone. Honestly, people shouldn't expect legal redress if they haven't even read the contract!"
"Oh, and the trinkets in the gift shop?" Gruschenknikovitz added. "From the rubble around the Room. Some people think they are imbued with mystical powers, although we are forbidden by law from making such claims ourselves..."
"Could it be," Judge Yevtigeniko argued in his ruling, "that people's dreams just aren't as big as they used to be? If that is the case, can a company that sells people their dreams be held liable for their disappointment? If that were the case, wouldn't the entire advertising industry be open to legal action? Oh, this really is going to be a lot of fun!"
We started to interview Nicolai Gorbarhiznikonium, one of the people who takes tourists into the Zone (known as Stalkers because the pay is so poor that they cannot afford healthy food, the result of which is that they are so thin they resemble the stalks of weeds). Unfortunately Stalkers speak so slowly that it would be weeks before we got any useful information out of him, and we were on a tight deadline, so after three days we cut the interview short. ><*:oDX