by HAL MOUNTSAUERKRAUTEN, Alternate Reality News Service Crime/Court Writer
A shootout at a White the Power rally and clambake in Iceland has left 17 dead and over 30 wounded.
"It was awesome!" said Old-time Aryan Fidelity member Lars Martihyars before he lapsed into a coma. "Just like Höfuô af Sa -"
Martihyars may have been referring to Höfuô af Sauôfé, (Sheep Loser) a television series about the wacky adventures of a door to door used herring salesman whose hobby is collecting bees. He could, on the other hand, have been saying Höfuô af Sælgæti (literally "lose the candy," an idiomatic reference to somebody who has bad fortune betting on luge races). Hard to see how either fits the context, but interrupted pre-lapsing into a coma statements can be inscrutable that way.
Piecing together what happened from fragmented eyewitness accounts is tougher than it looks on CSI: Reykjavik, but everybody agreed that the mayhem started when Matt Schtroumph, of the White Power People's Front, accused Undress Bravepick, of the People's Front of White Power, of being a Jew. The argument escalated until Schtroumph took out a gun and shot Bravepick seven times (four fatally), at which point 50 people brought out weapons and, fearing being under attack from the police, or possibly Celine Dion fans, started firing on each other.
Schtroumph's evidence? He claims that Bravepick was wearing a chai, the Jewish symbol of life, around his neck.
"What are you talking about?" said Bravepick's girlfriend, Mandy Mischkin. "It wasn't no kai! It was a Tibetan Ceiling Moose! Look..." she pointed to the two descending parts of the chet - the Hebrew character that always gives Jews a chuckle when non-Jews try to pronounce it. "That's the moose's legs and there..." she pointed to the Yod, a Hebrew letter so small it has to cozy up to other letters for protection from Cyrillics, and said, "That's the moose's antlers."
Mischkin claimed that she bought the charm from a pawnbroker named Isaac - "A good name, Isaac. Very Biblical." When we asked him about it, he snorted, "Dat's just crazy talk. Tibetan Ceiling Moose? Who ever hoid of such a ting?"
"No, no, no," Mischkin insisted. "He explained that they waited until late at night, then snuck into people's houses upside down - walking on the ceiling, right? They survived by stealing chocolate cakes, kippered smelts and rosemary meatloaves. The Tibetan Ceiling Moose - I - everybody's heard of it, right? Right?"
"I don't know vat dat meshuggah woman is talking about," Isaac said with a twinkle, twinkle in his little eye. "I sold her a chai."
"He was a good boy," Bravepick's mother, Lotte, insisted. "He had a great sense of humour - you should have heard the jokes he used to tell about niggers! And, he was a hard worker. When the boys would beat up Muslim immigrants, he was always the first to pile on and the last to walk away. How could he possibly have been Jewish?"
When we explained to her that Judaism is a matrilinear religion, and, therefore, she should know what religion her son was, she replied, "Oh, yeah. Yeah. Of course, he was raised a good Christian boy. Not Jewish at all. Nope. Not a little bit." But, she didn't sound convinced.
"It is rare," allowed Australian macro-zoologist Bruce van Bruce (literally, Bruce in the vehicle of his father Bruce), "but there have been several credible reports of the Tibetan Ceiling Moose appearing all across Asia over the past two decades."
Isaac looked askance. If you looked up skance in the dictionary, you would find an image of his face.
"Oh, yeah," van Bruce enthused (all over the carpet, but don't worry - a simple mop should be able to clean it up in no time). "Have you see the grainy footage of the Tibetan Ceiling Moose on YoohooTube? Pretty damn conclusive, I would say."
"But...but...but..." Isaac sputtered (you can get it off the tabletop with a lemon-scented chamois). "I swear to you, I sold zis voman a chai. Honestly. Vere she got dis crazy idea about Tibetan Ceiling Mooses I have no idea!"
"Told you Undress was innocent," Mischkin smugged.
"Yeah, yeah, yeah," interrupted Stig McNazsty, the lone surviving member of the white supremacist group Crusade This, Pal! "Chai or Tibetan Ceiling Monkey is really beside the point, isn't it? The real issue here is that the whole incident has made the white power movement look like a bunch of violent morons!"
Isaac grinned.