The Daily Me - Nayrand Nougat

Thank you, Nayrand Nougat, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we came up with a modest proposal: could people who don't seem to know how satire works stop writing articles with the title: "A Modest Proposal for [INSERT PET PEEVE HERE]?" Jonathan Swift would like to stop turning in his grave.

Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff

The Two Wives In A Restaurant Scene Reimagined For International Politics

EUROPEAN UNION: You don't love me.

PRIME MINISTER STEPHEN HARPER: Of course I do! What would make you say that?

EUROPEAN UNION: Weren't we supposed to have a trade liberalization deal in 2012? Here we are, with 2013 winding down, and we still don't have a deal!

PRIME MINISTER STEPHEN HARPER: These things take time...

EUROPEAN UNION: Humph! You never do what I want!

PRIME MINISTER STEPHEN HARPER: Oh, don't say that, baby. You know I love you and will do whatever it takes to make you happy!

CANADIAN PEOPLE: You don't love us!

PRIME MINISTER STEPHEN HARPER (pivoting in his chair): What? Of course I do! How can you say that I don't?

CANADIAN PEOPLE: You're prepared to sell out our workers and small businesses to get a deal with the Europeans!

PRIME MINISTER STEPHEN HARPER: That's not true! Why do you think the negotiations are taking so long? Because I'm trying to protect the interests of the Canadian people!

EUROPEAN UNION: Aha! So you really don't love me!

PRIME MINISTER STEPHEN HARPER (turns to face the audience): OY!

SOURCE: This 22 Minutes Feels Like An Hour

[http://www.mothercorp.ca/hour22minutes/]
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Class (Of 2017) Act

You have no idea
Of how much harm you can do
Underage girls by chanting for
Them to be raped.
How could anybody think

It was a good idea?
St. Mary's University students

Were so into the rhythm of the chant that they
Apparently paid no attention to its meaning.
Sure they were.
The administration claims it was clueless
Even though this has been going on for years.
Darn it all. Still, how could this have happened?
.
.
.

SOURCE: Poetry, Cornered

[http://www.cibc.com/ca/personal/poetrycorner/639.html]
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Can You feel The Electricity In The Air?
(It Means You're Under Arrest)

80 years is old enough) An 80 year-old woman was sent to hospital with a fractured hip after she was allegedly tasered by Peel Regional Police. Why would they do that to her? a) the Ontario government had given them permission to use the stun guns just the day before, and they wanted to make sure the weapons were fully charged before the cops faced real criminals
b) one of the legs of her walker was on the street - she was clearly about to jaywalk!
c) she was walking in front of a bank robber, and, if they had waited for her to get out of the way, it would have taken forever for the cops to get a clear shot at him!

81 is just no fun) What does this suggest about the use of tasers by police? a) maybe, just maybe, police officers should, you know - and, I say this with all due respect - love, even - they should get better conflict resolution training rather than different weapons
b) conflict resolution training? HERE'S WHAT I THINK OF YOUR CONFLICT RESOLUTION TRAINING, PAL! OOH! OOH! GIMME A SECOND TO GET OUT MY TASER - I JUST GOT IT AND WANNA SEE IF ITS FULLY CHARGED! c) oh, really, I don't think that will be nece - URGH! AARRRGGH!
AAAAAIIIIIYYEEEE! I - pant pant - see your - gasp - point. Tasers will definitely - pant pant - make the streets of the city - pant pant - safer

SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles

[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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When The World's Policeman Stops For Donuts And A Double Double

DEMOCRATS: We have drawn a red line at the use of chemical weapons.

REPUBLICANS: Yeah, like that's gonna do anything!

DEMOCRATS: There is clear evidence that Bashar al-Assad has used chemical weapons - we must act now to stop him from doing so again.

REPUBLICANS: Please! Everybody knows that Democrats are wimps who have no stomach for military action!

DEMOCRATS: And, we will get Congressional permission to act.

REPUBLICANS: See? That's exactly what we were - what?

DEMOCRATS: We will get Congressional permission to act against Bashar al-Assad.

REPUBLICANS: But...but...but...

DEMOCRATS: Sorry - who did you say were wimps who have no stomach for military action?

REPUBLICANS: Mama!

SOURCE: Weekends!

[http://www.nobc.com/Weekends/video/play.shtml?mea=227512]
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Or, My Favourite: Slowly Waved In Front Of A True Story...

Have you ever wondered what those "Something on or by a true story" notices mean at the beginning of movies or television shows? The chart below should help explain it for you:

THE ANNOUNCEMENT	WHAT IT MEANS
Based on a true story.	The producers bought a book, magazine or newspaper article, or bit of gossip from a Web site and have to acknowledge their source material.
Inspired by a true story.	The producers were inspired by a book, magazine or newspaper article, or bit of gossip from a Web site and have to acknowledge that their work isn't entirely fictional.
Suggested by a true story.	Some elements may be familiar to you, but the story is obscure enough that we don't need to pay anybody to use it.
Although the characters in this story may remind you of real people, they are not based on anybody living or dead.	Based on a true story, but, please, please, PLEASE don't sue us!

SOURCE: Entertainment For Dummies

[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/entertainmentfordummies/home.asp?did=543&dir=bb]
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I Don't Think The Word "Compassion" Means What You Think It Means

The Ministry of Immigration has been considering reducing the number of refugees with "high needs." The number of people who have suffered physical trauma that will require a substantial amount of care should be limited because they would drain Canada's medical system. The number of people who have suffered psychological trauma such as post-traumatic stress disorder should be limited for the same reason. The number of people who have no marketable skills should be limited because they will drain Canada's Welfare system. The number of people who have no money should be limited for the same reason.

This would lead to the creation of a whole new class of refugees. They would be called: "Immigrants."

SOURCE: Toronto Startle

[http://www.thestartle.com/NASApp/cs/ContentServer?pagename=thestartle/Layout/Article_Type1&c=Article&cid=
7088591831813&call_pageid=968337278492&col=968666972157]
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